Separated mid-November 25. Filed on 1/6/26 to start the 6 month timer. Live in California so mandatory 6mo time frame for official divorce regardless of paperwork being timely/etc. No kids, no property in contention, uncontested divorce.

You know I’ve been doing pretty well to this point. Of course pain but betrayal has killed my ability to feel sad. 18 years and left out the blue as far as I see it. Had planned exit for a bit and had a dude lined up and spent Xmas with another man and his family a month later. I feel like this has helped me honestly to just say fuck you and move on in a way. That’s what I mean pain but not so much sadness. Anger if anything but also God and prayer have been instrumental to ease the sadness and just have the pain.

Also lost about 37 lbs from just walking every day for about 2 hours up until February. Did a bucket list thing and went lead climbing. Now about to and now going to start building the frame/strength train. Gotten closer with the Lord.

Anyways long winded introductory preface because I’ve been doing pretty well all things considered. Rumination has declined greatly. The degree of intensity of thoughts that do come up are much less. Zero communication I told her outside of divorce talk and some tumultuous/strange things/behavior have occurred sure but I haven’t engaged her energy at all. Yesterday I turned in the notarized paperwork to the prep service so should be filed with the court hopefully next day or early next week. Now that it’s done done, as there is just the judge basically signing it off, no court appearance, is it because I’ve just been trying to handle each administrative thing and no longer have anything to handle that I’m feeling this emptiness? No longing but I guess I have had some sadness since. Like so much wasted time and sad that there was no communication to address anything despite having not wanting her at all. Like what a waste of almost 2 damn decades…. I don’t know, didn’t expect to feel this moment of emptiness given the pace I’ve set and lack there of previously. Also felt unburdened but yeah not a clean one. Not sure if this is normal or does anyone find themselves “regress” to things like this? I felt pretty detached and just hate it kind of entangled me a bit. At least to the point to disrupt my sleep similar to what I had in the very beginning. I know I’m only at the 4 mo mark basically and I have plenty of ground to cover still.

I guess if anyone has suggestions to get past the regret fantasy? Like I just wanted her to feel pain too in the beginning, less so now but I just don’t want to give a shit at all. I don’t want to have monkey branch fail or succeed or anything. I don’t want to want her to fail her schooling but this is hard cause I felt so used given I made it as easy as possible to just be a student the last 2 years and now that she’s so much closer to finalizing, she dipped but I also just don’t want to care.

This might just be an issue of time but any suggestions are welcome.

I also would like advise about going thru hard drives and just wiping everything. Tried like 2mo in near my bday but couldn’t manage that one at the time. For me, yes there were good times but I feel like I lived with an imposter the last idk how long. I don’t want to negotiate memories and what was real. It’s a fruitless tree. Anyways. Appreciate anyone the reads this and/or shares. God bless.