I have read and commented on a few post here. Felt it’s important to share our stories.

I was married for 13 years and that marriage produced 3 of the most amazing boys. They are and will always be the greatest gift from that time.

It’s easy when someone cheats on us leaves us or hurts us to blame them and to be the victim and go on living as a victim. As I told myself then and today it always takes two people to make a relationship what it is and what it becomes. While her choice to cheat not just once but twice and probably more was her choice. I always looked at myself and my part in understanding how I might have contributed to where the relationship ended up.

I definitely had a lot of things when we got married that I struggled with, a lot of misconceptions about marriage and things I struggled with from how I was raised. I didn’t know how to communicate well in a relationship, my religious up bringing made sex challenging to enjoy and be comfortable with and my lack of communication skills really prevented me from expressing what was going on for me and what I was feeling.

About 5 years into this marriage we had 3 boys, a fairly full life and yet I was feeling nothing for my wife. No intimacy , no connection, just we were buddies, and roommates. And I hated this feeling. And wondered why anyone would get married if this is what it lead to. Because this sucked.

I did what a lot of people do first. I started looking at all the things she could do to make it better for me. How she could change and what she could do differently to make the relationship better for me. I remember I was listening to a podcast one day and the lady said something a long the lines of rather than looking for how our partner can be better for us we should look more at how we can be better for our partner and be the change in the relationship we want to see. For whatever reason that day and that time it just spoke to me and was so clear to me that yes I had been going about it all wrong.

What began that day was a 8 year journey to the end of my marriage and one that is still happening today. I started learning to become the best version of me as man, a father and a husband and now a partner to the next woman in my life.

I started therapy, I started consuming information on relationships, communication, and learning to understand all my fears, and stories that I had that were all preventing me from being my best and experiencing the deeply connected relationship I wanted to share with someone.

In away I started doing all the work that people start doing after a divorce before I even got there or knew I would end up there. Because at the end of the day it really does take two people want to make a relationship work. One alone is not enough.

During these final 8 years I learned, I grew, and I fought so hard to change our marriage into something better and something we both wanted to share. Every step of the way I was met with rejection, and excuses, and lies, I was met with effort that lacked any real energy. I was given things to do to make it better but they are always just meaningless tasks to keep me busy. I tried to have conversations and tried to understand her and asked questions. And more often than not I was rejected.
However I after two years of my work, I thought and felt at one point we might be making some progress forward. She was being kinder, we were having dates, and for me it was the first in years I was feeling more like when we first met. I thought ok we are finally changing direction!

Then one weekend she told me to take the boys to my families cabin. Said she needed a night alone. Normally I wouldn’t have thought twice about this. But the boys didn’t really want to go for some reason. And she started getting really pushy about it. It felt weird to me, I just told boys we are going mom needs a night alone. All day something felt off she was back to being really distant, and was aggravated by even the smallest things and it was so out of character from the previous few months where things we really felt like they had improved. I tried to share what I was feeling and ask her what was going on. And she just got mean and said she needed a break and to leave it alone.
It just didn’t sit right or feel right. And man I was just on edge about it. Every thing in my gut told me something isn’t right here. In total emotional distress I made a choice to leave the a sleep recorder app running on the iPad by my side of the bed before we left. While things had been improving for us there was simply something between us she wasnt sharing and it was maybe the thing that when it came out finally it might set us free to finally have it all out on the table and build a better marriage. She wouldn’t put it out there. So me and the boys took off. That night after I put the boys to bed in the cabin I sat out by the fire and I was overwhelmed by the feeling I should go home now. I text her told I loved her and that I felt we had really been so much better lately and I like that I felt our marriage was improving. And I hoped she was enjoying her rest. She text back with the same thing. And she was enjoying the rest. It still all felt so off. I didn’t listen to my gut and I put the fire out and tried to sleep. The next morning we came back home. I still felt that things were off and so I grabbed the iPad and what I discovered was I was right. I heard fucking another guy not once but multiple time that night. I was destroyed. I brought it up she lied and then I told her how I knew.
We both agreed to try again after this. And from that point on things got better I thought and I felt like we were building something new.

Enter Covid a few years later! By that point the pain was long gone and I felt we really were in a better relationship. We were sitting on the couch one night watching a movie and she got a call from a friend of hers. She went into the bedroom to talk and I kept on with the movie. About 20 minutes later she called me into the room. And told me her friend had found out the she was sleeping with her husband. I was floored again. And this time I didn’t even suspect a thing. In that moment I was livid, and she kept saying oh I’ll leave tonight if you want we can start working on a divorce if that’s what you want. And I said no, I don’t want a divorce but if you want one you go file for it fill the paperwork out and bring it to me and I’ll sign it. I won’t do this to our kids. You need to figure out what you want.

She at first said let’s go to therapy. So we did. And eventually she finally said she wanted a divorce and I said ok. Then the therapist talked with us about how to tell the kids together. I said we aren’t telling the kids together you are! You want this, you did the things to destroy this marriage you get to tell me and the kids you are leaving. And she did! Might be the most respect I felt for her in a bit. At least you were finally honest about something.

In looking back at this I could have played the victim. It was so easy to do. Also I could have hated myself for being weak for staying in it. I recognized my faults and failures early on, and I recognized how I failed to grow and to learn and to become better. And I also saw that the difference between us was I took ownership and responsibility for where I was not my best and where I came up short and I learned to become better, and I never stopped trying for the last 8 years we were together. And I fought to the end for something better. I knew there was nothing more I could have done because she never wanted to make something better together she only wanted out.

When she told the kids, and when finally she moved out. I took an entire week off to just sit and wonder what I do next, how do I heal and how do I learn who I am, and what I want going forward. And by this point I had 8 years of hard work put in on me. I had journals full of thoughts and growth, of the outline and ideas for the relationship I wanted to create.

It was a deep week of reflection, mourning, letting go, and realizing I discovered me during that time, I learned and knew what I wanted, and that I was never going to be done growing. I just need to move forward. I knew I was a bit of a mess, I knew emotionally I was still out of balance. I knew for me in order to see where I still needed to heal and where I needed work, I needed to get back out there the minute I felt ready.

It’s been 5 years now. I started dating a meeting women about two weeks after my ex said she wanted out. Hookups at first, and then moved into looking for a real relationship and partner. I felt ready for it. And for me it was the right move. I learned and have grown and healed and found my balance.

I think something that carries forward with me today and why it was so easy to move on after my ex said she wanted out was. I got comfortable with only accepting a person that wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with them. It hurts when our feelings aren’t reciprocated. If you can let go of a person that is clearly not choosing you then you free yourself to go out a find someone that does want to choose you. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but hurts for a lot less time!

I think it’s important to share our stories and experiences and I hope if you read mine it might help you to not feel alone, or maybe give you hope!

Thanks!