So, I’m partly here to vent, get advice and just share stories/feelings to not be alone. I guess my first question would be. How to not feel stupid or beat myself anymore. Just heard from a friend my soon to be ex is carrying on with an old buddy of mine from high school, doesn’t really bother me I think what bothers me is I knew all this time, like I knew she was unfaithful, I knew I was unhappy, but for some reason I just kept trying until i hated myself, then her which I never wanted to do. I’m trying to start over, like I lost a job and am back at my mother’s couch. And thru all that shit I was still trying to be there for her, and got nothing for it but embarrassment, and I need help I don’t think I can really make it thru this whole thing without losing myself, I know what I gotta do, I can’t be with her, I hate her now but I still get the urges to send messages and paragraphs about how I feel. This whole thing is triggering me to run back to drugs for comfort and my heart is so heavy with grief and anger. Though I know it’s too late, I wouldn’t even want a reconciliation, I just wanna move on, with no pain, no triggers. I know I’m good enough, I know I deserve to be happy, but why do I feel the need to scream and cry at this woman, who I know I don’t love the way I used to or I wanted to after her affair. I just wanna start over. It’s not fair I’m up sleepless nights, unemployed, discouraged, separated from my children, when I just wanted to fix things when she didn’t. When I broke my own self and my own confidence cause she didn’t value me. And she just moves on? Fucks a dude I called friend a decade ago, literally cause she thinks it bothers me or because she always wanted to and this was her chance. Someone please help. I just want control of my life back, I just want my heart to belong to me again. Without the regret and the hate