I’m 50M married to 49F. Been married almost 28 years. Kids are adults. Started dating at 19 and 18, married at 22. We were both raised in hardcore evangelical homes and I was into that well into my mid 20’s, so early marriage was common cuz we all wanted the forbidden female fruit. But I loved her too, despite a bout of infidelity by her with an ex while we were in college (no sex) that in hindsight should’ve ended our relationship if I’d had the self esteem I do now.

My wife had some serious emotional issues that started after the birth of our first child. Initially diagnosed as post partum psychosis and requiring hospitalization. Then she had a second episode after 2nd child born. So couldn’t have more kids. She continued having these severe episodes annually, which included lack of ability to sleep much (kind of manic), some paranoia and delusions, etc. She was heavily medicated. Over time these episodes became less severe, but still problematic. We did tons and tons of marriage therapy.

In 2019 we had a big blow up and it made me question if I could stay with her. Took her for a walk and told her there were 3 things she was doing that really hurt me, and I didn’t want to wake up one day and not want to be married to her. She took this as a threat and putting conditions on our relationship, and shit went off the rails. So for the last 7 years I’ve been fighting to save the marriage. Marriage therapy, individual therapy, etc.

There were 2 incidents where she got so disregulated that she got physical with me. I drew a line in the sand- it happens again and I’m gone. Not because she could hurt me, but because I was scared if I defended myself and she fell or wherever, it’s me who’s going to be charged and life screwed.

Fast forward to 2025, things had been better. She’d been learning to regulate her emotions better, it was pretty decent 2nd half of the year. Until it wasn’t.

In Jan 2026 she lost control, came at me, i pulled away forcefully, but she’d grabbed my arm and twisted so tightly when i jerked away, it broke her finger and flung her to the ground. My worst nightmare. My arm was all bruised up. To her credit, after the ER, she took full responsibility. But that line was crossed and I had to separate. I’ve been separated for little over a month now. I told her 5 days ago I wanted a divorce. Marriage therapist told me after the session that it was the kindest, most thoughtful “I want a divorce” conversation he’d ever witnessed.

But then the emotions started. For the last 5 days I’ve been a wreck. Crying constantly in my shitty extended stay room.

I went to the house 3 days ago to do laundry. She was there. We both cried for hours, talked for hours and ended up having sex. The emotional support was so calming. I went back the next day and spent most the day with her, crying, talking, apologizing, eventually sex again.

So of course I’ve confused myself. And her. We both said it wasn’t a good idea, but we were both lonely and looking for comfort and familiarity.

I’m looking for advice from those who have been through it. I love her. Maybe not the way I did, as the pain and hurt over last 7 years has been so overwhelming. But it’s all I know. She’s all I know. When it’s good, it’s really good. When she gets disregulated, it’s horrible and lasts for days or weeks.

Is it realistic to have a good relationship with ex after divorce? I feel lost without her. Shes my first and only and I’m devastated and scared about life without her. Looking for any advice. Thanks.