Looking for advice

Dell_Hell · 2022-04-12T16:33:14+00:00

You are likely looking for a "high conflict" divorce specialist. Skip the collaborative divorce, low conflict folks - if she's been working on this for that long, she plans on taking you to the cleaners and you need to get ready for a fight.
Document the time you spend with your children. Make damn certain you know their friends names, parents names, have phone numbers, etc. If it looks like you're not an actively engaged father - it will be used against you.
Seriously stay away drugs & alcohol - presume that with kids, she's going to paint you as a violent addict who needs to be kept away from their father. Don't hand her that weapon - go cold turkey right away.
Presume she's been gathering evidence for a year and a half and hiding assets. You need someone good with finding hidden assets in discovery process. You need to mentally start going back and thinking what the worst interpretation of everything you said the past year and a half could be. She may have been recording you.
Fight for 50/50 custody like mad. This should be your primary goal along with retirement accounts. Let her have the furniture and china set or whatever. 50/50 helps keep child support low if not zero. Depending on your income vs hers, you may still owe 20% of the difference. If she's not working full time right now, she needs to get working ASAP.
Push to sell the house ASAP if you own one jointly - rates are shooting up fast and prices will drop. If you can afford to buy her out of the house, make that decision promptly.

CaliDude75 · 2022-04-12T15:49:36+00:00

I would say protection of assets. Generally, anything acquired/accrued after the DOM (date-of-marriage) is generally considered community property. Any documentation of personal asset values prior to that date is valuable, since that can be considered a "carve-out" from the joint settlement.

In my case, I'm kind of SOL, since I didn't keep records from that long ago, and my investment brokerage (which they claim per SEC rules) destroys all records more than 10 years old. So basically, all of my current investment holdings will be subject to a 50/50 valuation appraisal.

Talk to him/her (attorney) about what you should and shouldn't do or say. In my case, I opened up a separate (non-joint) checking/savings account and credit card. I mainly did this because my STBXW nit-picks and queries about every single little transaction she sees in the joint account that she doesn't recognize or thinks is "excessive." I did this with the full knowledge and approval of my attorney and STBXW. I am agreeing to and meeting the joint obligations until the final settlement by transferring my share of certain expenses (mortgage, car registration, property tax, etc.) to the joint account (which is still my STBXW's primary account). I make notations when I make the transfer what it's for.

Try to control your emotions, and don't do or say anything that could potentially be used against you, especially in a text or email. My STBXW is a provocateur, and she tries to get a rise out of me, and I'm sure wants to try to get me in a "gotcha" situation where I say something I regret. If things start getting heated or out-of-hand, just calmly say, "Maybe we should discuss this another time," or if it's of a sensitive nature, say "Have your attorney talk to my attorney."

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-04-12T16:55:01+00:00

You’re about to enter a legal journey muddied by your emotions.

A lawyer is not a therapist, even tho you will want to use them that way. You’ll want them to understand your emotional state through this process. This is an absolute waste of money.

You need a lawyer that can

Have Healthy boundaries
Tell you to stop if they think you’re wasting time and money
Give actual strategic advice and realistic expectations
Not just blindly represent you
Is responsive to your communication

Point 4 is important. A lawyers job is to represent your opinion. So if you tell your lawyer to convince the court that the earth is flat, they will do that, on your dime, even when they know you will lose the argument.

So find a lawyer that doesn’t blindly represent you, but gives you proactive guidance. That’s what you need.

Keep coming back here.

50/50 custody is the hill to die on!!!

WartimeDad · 2022-04-13T16:49:23+00:00

If I’m not too late, I would add that you want to know if the attorney is familiar with the specific judge working your case.

derelictherds · 2022-04-12T16:54:22+00:00

A "good" divorce lawyer should have experience with both brokering settlements and going to trial. You want a lawyer that can negotiate, but is also capable of getting sharky if needed. A good divorce attorney will also have experience with the court(s) in your jurisdiction.

Think about the desired outcome of the divorce and work backwards. List out specific items of interest and your goals with each then write down any questions that come to mind. Organize the questions by topic (custody, support, etc) then present them to the attorney. Take notes! Think of this as a job interview process. Interview several lawyers before hiring one, if possible.

Try to keep emotions out of the decision-making process. Your lawyer is not a therapist. He/she will probably gladly to listen to you vent and ramble, but the meter is almost always running when dealing with attorneys. Get yourself into therapy to help keep business and emotional aspects of the divorce separate.

Title	Looking for advice
Author	Icy-Acanthaceae-91
Upvotes	6
Comments	6
Date	April 12, 2022 3:39 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/u21ztt/looking_for_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/looking-for-advice.1110203 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110203

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