I'm about 2 years into a divorce and looking for some wisdom from some of you who have been here before me.

We were together for about 17 years, married for 15. Two kids.

I always sensed something was off in the relationship but never understood what it was until the past two years and counting putting myself in therapy. We spent all of our conflicts with me looking to find solutions and apologizing while she was protecting her own image. In the thick of it, it just always felt like I was responsible and that she was never part of the problem and thinking back in hindsight, she maybe apologized for something one time our entire relationship. (Which was for being an "alcoholic" and she still likes the attention she gets for getting sober).

At several points throughout our relationship she told me she was bi-sexual and how her strict upbringing never allowed her to explore her sexuality. At one point in our relationship she brought up the idea of a "sister wife" and opening up our relationship to a third person. I let her talk me into thinking it could make me a "better husband" for having to care about two relationships and how much "love we had to share." I realize how stupid this sounds in hindsight, but I bought it. She convinced me how "beautiful" this kind of relationship could be.

We dated for some time and eventually started seeing someone exclusively. She grew tired of her quickly and wanted to end things, but I felt like we were throwing away a person and I cared about her. I've since learned that I have struggles with letting people down or making them feel bad to the extent I will ignore my own needs. But I did reluctantly stop seeing this other woman and we went back to normal monogamy.

Fast forward a few months and my wife spent some time with this other woman and they began hanging out again regularly. After a few weeks my wife said she wanted to restart the "throuple" relationship again. I told her I was very reluctant because all three of us had been hurt and I didn't want anyone else to get hurt again. The other woman started coming over to the house and staying the night and sleeping in our bed again. There were several nights where I was lying in bed crying with my back turned to them while they were intimate with each other because I was afraid it would end badly. I had feelings for both of them. It was very confusing. After a few weeks of this, I reluctantly agreed to try it again.

Things were good for a few months. My wife had even contacted a realtor and set up showings for the three of us to go look at larger homes so we could combine our households. Against my better judgement, my wife sat us all down and came out to our kids (11 and 9 at the time) and told them "this is Mom and Dad's new girlfriend." And again, therapy has really helped me understand the lack of emotional maturity we both had, the irony is not lost on me.

Then things started to get complicated. My wife began setting arbitrary "rules" that would only apply to me and the other woman, but not to her and the other woman. I often had to choose who I was going to make happy (and again, in hindsight, I clearly had a "type" because the other woman would go to great lengths to fulfill her needs as well). After a few more months, my wife sat both of us down and told us that the other woman and I have a much stronger relationship and that she would be stepping out of our relationship and moving back to our home state (2k miles away). It was a shock. In hindsight I think it was an attempt to get me to leave the other woman for her, but she is not a good communicator and she manipulates to fulfill her needs.

The next few months were very strange because we all still lived together. She began sleeping on the couch until I set up a new bedroom for her. The other woman and I stayed in the master bedroom. We were all just kind of in limbo. I continued saying "I love you" to which sometimes she'd respond, other times not. She made it seem like she wanted to work things out one second and then like she wanted the divorce the next.

Things began to get understandably heated between the two of us. She was extremely rude to the other woman and she began undermining me with the kids frequently. There were SEVERAL fights over about a 3 month period. The fights were mostly about her abrupt change in parenting choices and the terms of our divorce. One fight was because her friends convinced her she needed a lawyer because I was taking advantage of her by only giving her half the EQUITY in the house vs half the SALE PRICE. Another was because I told her she couldn't take the kids until she had lined up new doctors, dentists, schools, and therapists for the kids and a job and a home.

I did yell at her. I swore at her. I told her she was being selfish and childish. All these things always turned into "you're putting me down and calling me names." (I did call her a few select swear words by this point).

Four of these turned physically violent where she would either punch, slap, or push me. After the third time, I called the police but told them I just wanted it documented. She didn't apologize for hitting me, she got upset with me about how I ruined her life with that police report. I explained it wasn't on her record but if she did it again, I'd press charges. After the 4th time, I called the police again and asked them to remove her from the house. They talked to both of us separately and got pretty much the same story. She agreed I'd never been physical with her. She admitted to hitting me. But she told them I "cornered her" yelling at her and she hit me out of fear and self-defense, so they didn't arrest her. I have a time stamped video of her coming into my room and continuing to yell at me AFTER the police we called. This is not the behavior of someone who is "afraid" but no one cares. I'm a guy and twice as big, so she has the right to be physically abusive.

The police did tell me that I could file a restraining order and an eviction notice and then file for custody of our kids. I had no intention to do that, but I was mad and I told her they gave me that option. She told me she had a plan and she'd be out of my hair soon.

A couple weeks later I got a knock at the door and it was the police and CPS. Someone filed an anonymous report (turned out it was my wife's close friend). I was very cooperative with CPS. The next day my wife was supposed to be going in with the kids for her CPS interview, but she was actually boarding a plane with the kids to fly 2k miles away.

I found out the next week after a 3 day weekend where my kids were via an accidental ping on my kid's cell phone. Almost a week of panic thinking something happened to them, that they got taken away and my wife taken into custody. In less than a week from the case being opened I was informed by CPS that I was being considered "founded" for abuse and neglect of my children. I attempted to turn in evidence that clearly contradicted my wife's statements and they would not accept it.

I hired an attorney and we filed a TPOR to get the kids back in the state. My wife's response was to file a FAPA restraining order alleging a bunch of other false abuse to her and the kids. The stories were so egregiously untrue, I wasn't even sure how she came up them. Turned out in text threads letter submitted to evidence, her friends filled it out for her.

I had her and the CPS case worker deposed where my wife got caught in several lies. She dropped the FAPA restraining order the day after the deposition. When she found out that meant the TPOR was in-effect and she'd have to return the kids to the state, she and her friends filed an Immediate Danger. The judge listened to her for about 5 minutes and threw it out without me having to even speak.

At the TPOR hearing, the judge agreed she had coached the kids for the CPS interview and that it was clear that they had regurgitated her stories as their own, claiming to be witness to them. She had recorded a couple of my "tantrums" yelling at her and the kids and the judge didn't like them. I try really hard to be objective and they were objectively horrible. Not my proudest moment as a father or a husband.

The judge ordered them back to the state and gave her weekday parenting time and gave me every weekend plus a call on Wednesdays. We would share custody until further notice.

This temporary plan has been in place for almost a year and a half. She violates the order whenever it is convenient for her, but throws it in my face every time I ask for flexibility.

She secrets appointments and tells me afterwards. She makes major medical decisions without discussing with me. She unilaterally pulled them out of therapy because I was "too close to the therapist." She secrets meetings with the schools and teachers.

One of my kids has missed over 70 days of school at her house this year already. He came to my house for a few weeks and went every day with no problem. He opened up that he struggles to go while at her house because she makes him very anxious. He opened up that she is verbally abusive and physically violent with her. I've never told him about any of my experiences with her because it's not right for a child to be put there and he expressed everything that I already know about her. She's repeating the same things with him.

I've spent over $150k in attorneys fees already and I'm running out of money. The only thing I have left is my 401k and I've already taken a loan from that too. I've tried so hard to be civil and even accommodating. When she came back with the kids I let her have the house until she could find a place of her own. The attorney advised me not to stop paying any of her bills, so I'm paying over $3500/mo for her and the kids and have been now for 16 months. I've had to bounce around between Air BnB's and rentals because she left me with the dogs and I need a place that is furnished, month to month, and dog friendly and most of those places are booked in small chunks.

It was never supposed to take this long, but we haven't reached a settlement. Her offer cut my parenting time further, gave her sole custody, half of everything (most of which we don't even have anymore), and $3500-4500/mo for 8-10 years.

The kids come over and ask for something and I can't afford it. They say "Mom can't afford it either, I wish you just settle with her already." It's heart-breaking hearing them say things like that and that they're constantly put in the middle. I can't reason with it or explain it so I just do the right thing and say "That's not for you to worry about, that's between Mom and me." But it's harder and harder to keep doing the right thing.

I told her a couple months ago that I'm almost out of money and she said "I'm sorry about your financial situation, this is why you just need to accept my settlement proposal."

I've told her I'm literally going to have either stop paying my rent and move into my car or stop paying the mortgage for the house and she responds the same way. Then the kids come over and tell me how her and her new boyfriend need us to hurry up and settle because they want to buy some land in the country and build a house and take a trip with them to Hawaii.

My attorney knows his burn rate on this case is super high so he's trying to be very selective about our engagement. I'm not really sure what else to do anymore. It seems like the more I open up about what's going on, the crazier I look to the courts, evaluators, etc. I just want a peaceful end to this and it's all I've worked towards for almost two years now. I just want my kids to be healthy and happy.

I've never publicly talked about this until today. I'm not here to be judged and I'm not here for attention. I've worked EXTREMELY hard on myself over the past two years since all of this began and I know how messed up the story is.

Anyone been through something similar and come out of it the other end with any success?