Making the decision

CaliDude75 · 2024-04-17T16:09:36+00:00

I stuck it out for a lot longer than I probably should have. I was just “running on fumes” at the end. Still on amicable terms, and communicate probably once a month. Have even visited her a few times. No kids.

Every time I think “Maybe I should have stuck it out” I just remember how crystal clear my resolve was to finally do it at the time.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-16T14:22:58+00:00

When you're ready, you'll know. There was a moment when I had the same mindset as you where my then-wife did something. A switch inside my head clicked and I said to myself, "That's it, we're done."

Something else to consider: The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sometimes you have to give up on her. Not because you don’t care, but because she doesn’t.

AirSailer · 2024-04-16T14:18:44+00:00

What are the things that need to occur, or behaviors that need to change, so that both of you will be happy in your marriage.

For those necessary changes you've identified, how probable is it that the changes will occur. Keep in mind, you cannot make her change, any changes she makes will have to come from within her, meaning she will need to be introspective and hold herself accountable. This is not the time to be hopeful, or optimistic; you need to be absolutely realistic. Also keep in mind, you cannot negotiate attraction with her, she will not magically respect you again, nor will she change who she is.

Now, if you're being honest and realistic, and you don't see any way those changes will occur, then there is no path forward where the two of you can stay together.

Gattsama · 2024-04-16T10:17:26+00:00

Together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. Check my original post history for more details; but in the end, I came to accept:

we are not healthy together
we are not safe together
I do not see a path forward for us
neither of us will be able to love our best life together, and apart we have an opportunity to live our best life
we are not workable

I filed. I came to accept that no matter what I wanted us to be, the truth is that we just were not workable or healthy together. There were a lot of reasons, and maybe in theory, we could have worked on some of them, but we would never succeed.

We were both broken in different ways, and truth be told, I out grew her as I worked on healing and improving myself (mind you I was still fucked up).

With time I stopped asking why she did X, or why she didn't do Y, or if I changed A would she react with B. Instead I asked: why did I choose this person and why do I stay.

At first, honor and love. Then accepting I was broken and had self-esteem issues. Ultimately, I overly committed without properly vetting. I no longer wanted to make choices that were against my own best self-interest.

My life is demonstrately better since divorce. I'm paying a ton in spousal support, but I can afford it. It will end, and I will ultimately be better financially than if I had stayed married. No kids so no drama there. I maintain zero contact with the eX.

Romero_Alphonso · 2024-04-16T05:03:56+00:00

There are so many responses that I can make here but then I would end up writing a novel. I think the simplest thing that I had to ask myself was “ you have been together for 10 years and have been miserable for nine, do you want to do this for 10 years, 20, 30?”? After trying over and over again to make the relationship work, things would remain the same after a few weeks. no matter what changes she would make or what I would do to make a relationship work, we were just two different people and I was not happy. So there was no point in trying to do this again and trying something different because I have done that already like 10 times.

To me, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. It was either get out now in my 30s, or regret not leaving now when I turned 50 or 60.

To leave was the best decision I had ever made in our relationship. It was hard, and I was sad at first, but then I realized being alone wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I was already alone in my relationship with my wife, it just had a title on it. But now I have the freedom to pursue or be pursued by women.

And when I say, I’m alone, I don’t mean I’m alone as in I have no one to turn to. I am alone at home regularly because I refuse to let any other woman live with me, unless she meets my high standards. Until that happens, I just have fun with them. I treat them right, of course. However, I ensure that my needs are met as well. That was something new to me and it feels fantastic.

Title	Making the decision
Author	boewulf2019
Upvotes	4
Comments	6
Date	April 15, 2024 8:29 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c4wnx2/making_the_decision/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/making-the-decision.1515276 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515276

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