Hello Dads:

If you view my posting history, you will see that I won in family court after 700 pleading and I know the system like the back of my hand 700 pleadings, 12 years, and i won full custody with 364 overnights per year : r/Divorce_Men

Remember! I'm not selling anything nor do I want or need anything from you. Therefore, I have every incentive to tell you the truth. Let's start with some foundational principle truths that every Dad needs to understand.

Truth #1: Approximately 95% of all cases get settled before trial and your case is unlikely to be the outlier.

Truth #2: The dirty little secret of the industry is that for most people- over 99%- divorce is very simple. The factors are custody, child support, which is based upon a formula (aside: you need to know these numbers cold), alimony if it applies, asset division, and what happens to the marital home. That's it! In a perfect world everything would be 50/50 with a handshake. Notable exceptions to this rule= trusts, business partnerships, overseas property ownership, and some self employment.

Truth #3: About 80% of all women will do the wrong thing in divorce. Whether false accusations, or trying to ruin you financially, or parental alienation, or otherwise, Obviously there are varying degrees of this... What you need to understand-

a: If you happen to be lucky with one of the 20%, do not antagonize her, do not give her an excuse to turn into 1 of the 80%. Just settle the case quickly, fairly, and as amicably as possible.

b: Of the 80%, about half in my experience can be converted to a reasonable settlement, so you have more control in this situation than you think.

c: Unfortunately the other 40% are going to do the wrong thing no matter what you do, but the good news is that it really doesn't change your strategy.

Truth #4: VERY IMPORTANT! Just because something may not matter if the case goes to trial, does not mean it won't matter for negotiations sake. Many factors that theoretically "do not matter" according to your attorney, may in fact matter so much that they are the key to getting your case settled. Some general examples:

a: If your wife had an affair, it's true that 'the Judge won't care'. But that doesn't mean that your wife won't care. Is she easily embarrassed? Is she trying to maintain an image with certain people? Does she want to get the divorce over with as soon as possible? These are things that can be leveraged.

b: If one party has access to marital funds and the other does not, or has limited access, it may not matter in the sense that those funds may be restored to the other party when the decree is signed. But these cases can drag out for years. What is the party with no access going to do during that time? This can be leveraged.

c: Is someone funding your wife's divorce? This is meaningless at trial, but if you can speak to this person and let them know just how much it's going to cost them and just how little your wife stands to gain, it can create leverage.

Truth #5: If you are one of those guys saying to yourself right now that none of that applies to you, that's ok. The truth is that every case is different and there is no one size fits all approach. I promise you this much- every single case has leverage points whether they are shared on this thread or not. It's your job to find them in your particular situation.

Truth #6: You are better off going to a hearing and losing, or if applicable going to trial and losing, than you are stipulating to an unfavorable settlement. Why? Because your willingness to go to the mat in and of itself creates future leverage. Trial is stressful, expensive, and time consuming. And once you do it, you've proven that you are willing to go all the way with it.

Truth #7: Cases are not won or lost in mediation, hearings, or even trial. Cases are won or lost before these things take place. To use an analogy, if in a war one country spent the last decade preparing their soldiers with state of the art weapons, training, and technique; but the other country doesn't, who wins the first skirmish when it takes place? This is why you never do things like give away your leverage. You never move out of the marital home without being forced out, you never give money without being ordered to do so, and you never give away anything of value without getting something of equal value in return.

How to create leverage in your case:

Now I'm just going to spitball. Again- every case is different and there is no one size fits all approach. But here are some ideas-

If your wife is a stay at home Mom, get her working full time by implementing austerity measures. No treats, no fun, no money.

Offer to give your wife money to move out without the kids.

If you are an authorized user on your wife's credit card, max it out by putting attorney fees on her card.

Offer to keep your wife's affair quiet in exchange for a fair settlement.

If you are married to a stay at home Mom and you have sufficient assets, quit your job.

Take all the money from the joint account.

Borrow money against all assets and max out all credit cards.

Let it slip that you will be running your wife's attorney fees to the moon.

Sell your home furniture and everything else that's not nailed down.

Speak to the parties funding your wife's legal fees and let them know what they are in for.

Save all text and emails from your wife. Use any that are in your favor or against her in negotiations.

Get medical providers, teachers, clergy, and leaders of sports on your side and get their position in writing, then use it in negotiations.

Here is the point: by the time mediations comes around, you should have sufficient leverage to settle.