Hi everyone,

Mental state is crap. Feeling like I’m not enough right now in life. I’m staying active, running, lifting weights, therapy. but am really struggling mentally. Getting the old thoughts of “better off if I didn’t exist”.

Feeling so fucked up right now, like I don’t know what to do next in life. I’m sitting here at work, tears in my eyes. Have a house, dog, good job, health, supportive partner, yet.. it feels like the little child is trying to lead my life and he can’t. I’m trying so hard to be the “man” but I don’t want to right now.

It could be the holidays. This will be the first time in 13 years I haven’t spent time with my exes family. They reached out to me initially for the divorce, and I pulled away so their family could heal. It was one of the hardest fucking things I’ve ever done in life. I didn’t have a great childhood, so they kinda adopted me. I loved them so very much.

Even as I write this. It almost seems like that’s what’s happening. Perhaps I’m grieving and just want the holidays to be done. But I’m also having my own family over, introducing them to my new partner which is really exciting to me.

I’m turning 33 soon, I pictured such a different life at this point. Can feel the tears welling up. Sitting here working on a project and crying. I held my dog for a while this morning and he was so calm. If you’re reading this, thank you the support alone means so much. I really just want to crawl into a bottle… but this life I can’t. Im so tired of fighting though.

I remember last year I sat in my bathroom with a belt around my neck,testing to make sure I could hang without breaking anything lol. Took as much diazepam as I had on hand, drinking. I had this thought: “life is wonderful, terrible, beautiful, scary, and amazing I’m never going to take my own life”

I can’t stop crying, guys. I can’t.