No other man

Nicnasmith · 2019-07-08T12:51:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I've been feeling this in my current situation. my wife has been hanging out with a divorced friend for the past 3 years and I've wondered if that has been influential on our separation. I keep having the impression that my wife could be a lesbian, or at least bisexual though I have no evidence of that outside of one experience I personally witnessed involving my wife and her ex best friend (a woman). I often wonder how much this current friendship is influencing my wife's decision to not work things out. However, at this point I don't care. Whether it's her friend's influence or her own doing, I am at a point that I don't want to go back to my wife. At the end of the day, she is at choice in this and that trumps anything any of her friends may do.

ArtisticQuality · 2019-07-08T15:19:31+00:00

If you go back to my post on your previous topic, I didn't say another man, I said this:

What you describe sounds like there is someone

I specifically left the gender out on purpose because the situation you describe here is not that rare.

If your wife doesn't love you, doesn't want to be around you, and instead she wants to spend all her time with another person that makes her happy and excited about life, does it matter if it's not a physical situation?

And the asexual part, obviously not knowing enough about her, but that she's not sexual around you doesn't mean she's not interested in other people. And even if it's not a physical relationship with this other person doesn't mean it's not a love relationship. They could be holding hands and telling each other their deepest secrets, and discussing how to get you out of their fresher relationship.

In fact you know very little about her true relationship with this other person. You can't really go by what she says if she's been hiding a ton of stuff from you.

All you really know is that she spends all her attention on this person. And she's told you she no longer wants you and there's nothing you can do. She's moved on. There's no saving this. And I don't say that lightly, I'm from the school of trying to save things. But saving things takes a ton of work and she's not going to do her part at all, not one bit, because in her mind all she wants to do is be done with the dead weight and be free. If I thought you had a real chance here I would say that.

Also, let me be clear because I've been focusing on helping you see the signs here, but let's talk about who's at fault. SHE IS most at fault. If she thought things weren't great for 25 years she could have said something. If she wanted more romance or whatever she could have pushed for a vacation. When she felt she was disconnecting from you she could have asked for couple's counseling. She instead decided to quit the relationship and put her heart somewhere else. That's what quitters sound like, full of excuses and blame for everyone else. She's not going to accept responsibility for her actions, particularly not while her partner in crime is telling her she's clearly the victim, deserves to be happy, and you are the loser holding her back.

She'll blame you all the way because it helps her cope with her guilt, she knows she's betrayed you and this outcome is more than 50% her fault.

And think about this. She's already dealt with all of that in her head. She already played out all the scenarios. She's felt a ton of guilt. Then she spent weeks and months talking it out with her "not physical" girlfriend. Then she worked out the angles. Then she imagined herself single for weeks and months. Then she mustered up the courage to be rid of you. Then after all of that, that's when you get to your own day #1 just finding out. At this point she's not interested in anything you have to say. She already mourned, handled the guilt, healed the wound and is ready for a new life. She fully denied you a chance to discuss her concerns when she was at a place to work on it together. If you had a chance to save your marriage, that was maybe 6+ months ago when she started being serious about this. There's only cold blood in her veins now.

I'm telling you all of this because the sooner you get the right perspective the sooner you'll start making better choices. On your own it would take you a few months to fully realize all of this. Start thinking about it now and you'll be a few months ahead. You have plenty to catch up to.

laughagain3 · 2019-07-08T13:28:06+00:00

Thank you for responding. I relate so much to you. I have those same questions about her sexuality.

warrior_up · 2019-07-09T20:32:49+00:00

Misery loves company

Title	No other man
Author	laughagain3
Upvotes	4
Comments	8
Date	July 8, 2019 10:44 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/cajh31/no_other_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/no-other-man.1205752 https://theredarchive.com/post/1205752

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