Hello everyone, the past 48 hours have been soul crushing and down right devastating for me and my STBXW. And it's all my fault, it honestly is. The divorce seems immanent, and I'm the cause for it. Ive never hated myself more then now.

Background, I'm in my mid 30's her, early 30's, we've been together 8 1/2 years, married 2 1/2 out of that and have a one year old together. We're both in our careers and am deeply in love.

Backstory, I've been caught lying multiple time and she has just lost all trust in me. I like(d) to vape, my wife doesnt agree with smoking of any kind and we have had many arguments over it. I have hid it from her a few times and she has caught me/ found it, shes asked me about it, I've told her I dont have it or am not smoking and then she'll present it, exposing me in my lie. As the world knows, relationships are based on trust, which I have destroyed. I've hit 3 strikes with her over the course of our relationship and now, we past the tipping point. She did come to an agreement where she didnt care if I smoked as long as it was in my car and I never did it around our child. Well the other day she had to drop her car off at the dealership, then we went to get it, I dropped her off and headed home with our kid in the back. I stupidly rolled down the windows and decided it'd be a good idea to take a couple hits. I honestly wasnt thinking. Well my wife calls me, because shes in traffic right next to me and she was livid and now I'm in the shitstorm.

In her eyes, which is somewhat, relatively true, I have endangered our child by smoking with him in close proximity, because of the nicotine in vapes and his ability to breathe it in. So she doesnt see that she can forgive me and she is so tired of all the lies and sneaking crap I do. I would not have done this if she was in the car. But I gave up vaping because it has just caused too many problems for me. But I fear its too late, when I say that it isnt rocky for us, but that the boat has tipped and were sinking, I mean it.

I love my wife more than anything, shes my best fucking friend and I hate hurting her, yet I continue to do so. She has never once wronged me, she has said I could look over her shoulder every second of every day and there isnt anything she'd do that I'd be disappointed with, but I cannot say the same for me. I continually disappoint and hurt my wife. I make her cry so much and I hate myself! I dont know whats wrong with me, and I'm scared.

I'm scared to live without her by my side. I'm scared to not being able to see my child whenever I want. Her words to me were "all I ever wanted was a family" and I thats something I couldnt give her longterm.

Truth is, I'm a bad husband and she is most likely better off without me, but I dont want to be without her. And truthfully, I've felt for a while now that divorce is immanent for us, because we also fight and butt heads a lot and that shits draining. But I love her so much I'll stick through it all to not be without her, but now that our child is involved, she cant look past it as easily and doesnt trust me around him.

I'm not ready for the heartache that is coming and I am going to miss them both so much. I've briefly thought of ending things for me, because I honestly dont want live a life without my family, but I do want to see our son grow up. But who knows, maybe the pain will be too much, I really dont know. She is the best and worst thing wo have ever happened to me and I fucked it all up.