Thank you to all who will read/respond/ and encorage me here but im past needing the encoragement and uplifting. Im just trying to get my mind and feelings out from years of bottled up anger, frustration, and hatred.

To start this off yesterday Feb 22nd was my wifes birthday and as the caring husband i can be most times i got her a cake, a card, and a few other things. Supposed to be a good thing right? Well the moment means nothing to me anymore and has not ment a thing to me for years. Before anyone thinks im an insensitive asshole ill spill it as to why i am that way. Met my wife Melissa through her sister Cassie who was one of my best friends back in 2008. I didnt meet Melissa till late 2009 before i left for basic training for the Army. She seemed cool though, nice at the time but also going through a marriage issue with the guy she was with. I cared nothing for her at that time other than acquaintances just to be clear. The dude she was with was a serious drug addict, abusive to her and their 2 kids and just a straight up prick while very controlling and manipulative. Melissa and i never dated or messed around while she was going through that divorce and and her and her sister and i always hung out together for a solid 5 or 6 months. A day that melissa and i went to the ymca to do our workout for the day, her ex husband at the time made a 5 hr trip to her parents house who were watching her kids and brought cops with him to get the kids from her. He succeeded in doing that and when the word got back to melissa i took her to her parents to figure out wtf was going on. Her parents being the bible thumping judgemental people they are jumped straight to blaiming me for that outcome because she was with me at that moment in time. Ive never forgot that accusation and belittlement they threw at me that day but i left. Her ex used the kids against her as leverage for her to stop the divorce and talk her back into going back to him. It worked but before that happend we both grew a lottle interesed in each other. A few days go by and she never bothered to contact me untill i asked her sister cassie what was going on and thats when i found out she was going back to him. It was upsetting but it was whatever. He made another trip to pick her up and ended up getting my phone number. He did alot of shit talking to me and threatend me 1 to many times through the course of the day and really triggered me. To make things short on this part, he was high as fuck on meth while doing the shit talking and i managed to find him by word of mouth from other people i know. I drove around 200 miles looking for him just because i did promise him i would cut his toung out if he kept it up with the shit talking. I tend to keep to my word even though the possible consequences can turn out bad. I found him, beat him sensless and proceeded to operate on his face. Nearly done, he had a freak out session so i coudnt finish. Found out he was on some kind of probation and wasnt even supposed to be out of his county so telling anyone what happend to him would have screwed him too. Funny how that worked out.

A year goes by and throughout that year i was getting alot of private calls but noone ever spoke. After a while i was getting pissed at how many times i was getting them and i assumed it was some person trying to scam me by getting my name or something. A day that i hung out with cassie she mentioned her sisters situation and it clicked that the private number calling me was Melissa. Fuckin weirdo! The private number called a few days later, i answered and said her name and call ended. A few more months go by and Melissa convinced her ex to move to her parents house in hopes that she could corner him there and leave that way as he was apparently physicly abusing her again. It ended up working i guess and he ran to Wisconsin to find help from his family expecting her to go with him which she refused. After a few days she called me again and talked this time around and wanted to meet up and talk. I wasnt to interested in it since it felt like she was messing with my head before and i was already dating someone else and knew she was cheating on me so i gave in and met her to talk. She explained her feelings and situation and asked me to forgive and consider her as an option again. ( This is where life lessons started).

A few months go by and she gets her divorce and were all hanging out like we did in the past. My gf i was dating i found out she was sending nudes to my cousin and a few others that i knew so that ended and i was content with spending time with Melissa again. Everything was great for a while and we started dating. START THE MISERY.

She had her 2 kids which i had no problem helping her take care of them and spending time with but 2 weeks in to dating she gets drunk and starts her first set of accusations and decides that a fight was what was needed. This started because she went through my phone and got on my facebook and noticed that the majority ofbmy friends list was female and that i kept in contact regularly with alot of people, both male and female. She accused me of cheating and saying i was using facebook as a dating thing even though i my conversations with anyone was never about sex, meeting up or flirting. Friends i had in the military, high school and met along the way in life was grounds to be told i was cheating and had wandering eyes. Nearly every relationship ive been in i have always been cheated on and left without any closure as to why so i put it in myself as a moral to never be that way with anyone even though id been done dirty. I believe that once you do it the first time it gets to be easier to continue doing it and i refused to sink that low. Its shitty that even with a belife like that that good things will rarely happen.

While dating Melissa her sister Cassie ended up meeting a guy and before i even met him he seemed to have a major problem with me. So thats her sisters bf and their parents that had an issue with me while at the same time their parents had a real problem with Cassies bf. I was always polite and put on a fake smile around them fake people just to keep the peace and keep Melissa happy. I put 2 and 2 together later on when Melissa and I had found a house to rent and figured out that Cassies bf had a problem with me because i had more to offer Melissa than what he could to Cassie. Pretty stupid actually that people think that way when all i was doing was providing what was needed for a woman and her 2 kids that i grew attached to. I tolerated the shit head for a very long time with the ideal that it wasnt right to keep Melissa from her sister because of her faggot man. Often times when i was doing my military thing and was off for training Melissa would go to there place and spend the weekend with them. I was oblivious to the fact that durring those visits Cassies POS bf was always trying to set Melissa up with his friends either as a hit it and quit it or a permanent thing and over time Cassie was being more submissisive to her bf doing that and even condoned it. Of couse once i did find out that that was happening i began to be more leery to her being around them. Melissa did start on the cheating thing again when i ran into an old classmate from highschool at Walmart on black Friday and ended up giving eachother a hug and made introductions. That was a mistake. Soon after that Melissa got a job and made her own friends there. I came home from work one morning to see her and a dude she worked with sleeping on my sofa with her head in his lap, shorts down and his hand down the back of her pants. LESSON 1- seeing a situation is burned into the mind like a hot cattle iron to the flesh let alone knowing that every relationship had cheating. I walked back out the door to reflect on everything and decided to go for a drive. That lasted 1 block before i went back to the house, through the door and straight to my shotgun. A hard thump on the side of the face with a cold barrel seemed to put shock into his eyes. He played me like a friend also which also has a part into my introduction up top. I ran him out, Melissa freaks out and leaves with her 2 kids claiming i ran them out to but that part is full of shit as i clearly remember her being extreamly hung over and not willing to explain even though i had a picture of it in her face. At that point in time we had just gotten married On August 30th 2014 and had a daughter of our own and this happened in early November. A week goes by with her staying at her female friends house and durring that time she did end up doing more of the cheating with that same dude and actually didnt tell me about that part till 5 years later. She begged for forgiveness and asked to come back and every time i looked at my own daughter and thought about her growing up the way i did i caved in. She told me that that all happened because her ex was a cheater and she had fears of me cheating on her cause i knew to many girls.

Durring that time, she had convinced her 2 kids that i had ran them out and was the one keeping them from going back home while also keeping it from them that she had caused the whole thing to unfold the way it did. Those 2 were 5 and 6 at the time and didnt know the truth untill they were 14 and 15. Even after being told what happened that day and why i changed towards their mom they had already been conditioned to hate me because of the shit Melissa and her family were doing. We ended up having 3 more daughters with each one looking like a promise to keep going and hoping for a change of good in our lives.
LEASON 2- Women are menipulative and know that they are incapable of filling the role of the man that provides and supports but still will bite the hand that feeds and will cry out for any sympathy they can get.

Im getting bored with typing all this but to sum it up, im going to place all the cards on the table today when she gets home from work. I wanna know what she feels she brings to the table called marriage while laying out a few verses from the bible on her. Ive figured out after hearing a guy i work with dealing with his issues that ive stayed as long as i have because of a codependancy issue. One that was built on many failed relationships due to cheating and the idea that i want to be happy. I know how the conversation will go and 90% sure what actions she'll do but i still want to pressure her into admitting that she has provided none of the things a woman should to a husband and make it clear that she had something good till she repeatedly neglected it. I was never perfect but i still never cheated or hurt anyone that didnt deserve it untill theyve done me absolutly dirty. Ive changed in ways that i no longer feel alive or human. I dont feel happiness and i can honestly say i love but i dont feel love. Ive learned how to wear a fake smile and push on through pain to the point it turns into numbness that sends tingling feelings through the body. I can look at my own kids, old friends and family now and know that i do love them with words but feel nothing. I am in a dangerouse place for sure due to the fact i feel no value in a single thing or person anymore and my head is filled with an absolut mountain of questions that will never have answeres. I stopped fearing death not that long ago when i realized my absense will never stop the turning of this world.

Lesson 3- Men are only financial supports for nearly any woman now days. As long as he provides the material things and submits to the emotional abuse and narcissism a woman normally inflics then he will earn the company of her otherwise once that slips, she got an excuse for a replacement to fulfill her momentary needs.

Tidbits are not in this post but if anyone wants the rest just ask. This got to long.