Rebuilding/Going for Masters Degree after Divirce and death of child.

So after 3 years of grieving the loss of my eight-year-old child and my mother who passed away 2 weeks afterwards, I am finally pressing through with my divorce. Although I had accomplished everything I thought a loving husband should do. I bought her the million dollar home on a lake. Ran a six figure business but would put in 100 hours a week at her insistent scheduling. I took care of both of my little boys when I would get off of work with my 12 to 15 hour daily shifts. I don't want to go on a long time my past. I realized that I have been in a long-term very abusive and mentally controlling and completely manipulative and toxic marriage for a long long time. I was not perfect, but at the same time at least I was a human being? I don't really know how to explain how am I soon to be ex really is. Through obfuscation and lying, manipulation and gas lighting. It's too hard to Define what she really is and I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist.

I have spent the past 3 years grieving my little boy, My Mother, the life that I had built with a woman who I thought I knew, but did not for 18 years. With the help of friends and a very caring father at the ripe age of 44 I feel like I'm ready to join the world again. My old business, the one that I gave 15 years my life to perfecting and running , it is no longer an option. Even if it was I am not certain that I have the nerve, mental, or even physical capacity to even run a business in the trades again. Regardless She had completely put business in her name behind my back and then completely destroyed it after we lost our son.

For so long her and her family convinced me that I could only do one thing . I was good for nothing else and I internalize that . Now after really doing some soul searching I realize , I want to go back to school for my masters in some sort of psychology field, particularly dealing with grief. The only problem is I do not even know where to start. I'm in Florida, are all schools done online at this age? What if I choose the wrong School, what if I choose the wrong masters degree? I got my bachelors in history and my minor in education. I taught for 5 years but I found I can support my family better starting my own business in the trades.

My wife and her family severely punished me and stripped me of everything that I was after my son was killed in an accident. Holding my son's lifeless body, being abandoned and isolated after words. Dealing with so much trauma on top of trauma gave me PTSD which I have gotten professional help for . Sometimes simple navigation through life can overwhelm me . If pointed in the right direction I can handle and do whatever I need to do.

If anyone has any guidance on how to get back into school, I feel dumb even asking this. I feel legitimately foolish even posting this. None of my friends currently are in Academia, so they really cannot help me. Reddit has been a great place for me to reach out and get help with my grief for my child. Grief for my marriage ending. Also to where I can give sympathy and support to other people who have lost their children or going through a divorce. Any, and I mean any advice would be greatly welcomed.

[–]Factastical 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (10 children) | Copy Link

Nobody here can give you guidance. Your story is rather rare. But you can give guidance here. Perhaps it is where you can heal. By helping others heal. I have a lot of questions but won't ask out of respect. You're asking the wrong question here. It seems to me that you would be better suited to provide answers. More than a year ago I came here to navigate the silver bullet method fired by a pathological ex wife. I stayed to try and help people. My story ended well. But I remain to try and help the next. I went back for my masters at 40yo. I started weeks before I found out my ex is a lying cheat. I finished 2 years later. The massive depression of having to leave my kids and home almost got me. This place gave me the contrast to how good I had it. My kids are all healthy. I am sorry for your loss and for using your story to make me understand how fortunate I really am

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (9 children) | Copy Link

I love your insight! You are 100 % right! Please, please, I insist you ask questions you may have. I will answer you in the comments, or feel free to message me directly.

No, you are definitely wise, and both your approach and your advice. A lot of times, we give the narrative for why things happen to us after the fact. I read about five different books on grief and grieving. Three books on life after divorce. I can't help but laugh sometimes. My situation is so specific it is rather difficult for me to find answers in regards to it. It's okay, though. I have actually started seeing the right grief therapist after going through 9? 9 different therapists. This woman has not healed me. I'll use her words. When we first met, I was like a beaten dog. I am not a small man. I've worked out most of my life and only continue to do so during this sort of Lost in the woods. Of grief and indecision. When I talked about everything that happened, she told me that I physically shrink. My shoulders hunch in words. I put my hands around my midsection, which is a defensive posture. I will cover my face when I look like a scared Lost Child. Worse than that, she said I look like a damn beating dog. Which is honestly how I felt after my wife and her family got through punishing me a month after my little boy and my mother died. I digress

She said that when she first started working with me that I was literally a man in an endless dark room with no walls. Infinite in every direction. Her initial goal was to work to put a window in there. Something about how she approached me really worked with me. Really made a lot of things snap into place. Now she says that I have a skylight and my dark room, I have about six or seven windows. Soon, she's certainly a door will appear. That may sound hokey, but it's a good allegory. I will somehow able to open up the gates of my heart again to my Lost Child. Even though he does not exist in this world, that does not mean I can not have a relationship with him, nor does it mean I'm not the father of two little boys. Whether it is in my mind or whether it is a real spiritual connection that does not matter in the slightest to me. I hear his voice talking to me when I and being self-destructive like laying in bed for 2 days. I'll hear my little boy tell me, " Daddy, you need to get up." If I feel like getting blackout drunk because I'm not comfortable with my emotions, I will hear him say," Daddy, not too much, you get sick. " Regardless of his politics, I caught Anderson Cooper on Stephen Colbert. This man is a Vanderbilt with every resource at his disposal. He lost his father when he was young, and he lost his brother at another developmentally significant age. He was saying how for 40 years he really could not experience any joy. The gates of his heart were closed. He was working with the right people over the past 2 years, and he realized that he could still have a relationship with his father and his brother. In fact, now it feels like he has a more significant relationship with him than when they died. That is how I have been feeling for the past month!

At one point I was extremely active on Reddit grief. I loved reaching out to parents who just lost their children. Actually did it so often, I have an entire thing written down where I would ask them if it's okay if I would forward them this information that I found out to help me very early on. That was on an old phone and I don't have a recording of it. I still occasionally reach out when a person is in tremendous pain and begging for help. And surprisingly for my particular issue I got some really good advice. Advice to help me put my.. hesitation into perspective. Also my grief therapist, sometimes she helps me with common sense things. I think I have to do everything perfect otherwise I'm going to be punished again. She told me I don't have to pick the right major, I don't need to pick the right College why don't I pick the top three I want to go to and start investigating them. Common Sense things like that are elusive to me. I appreciate your kind words and your insights very much. Hope you had a wonderful Halloween!

[–]Factastical 0 points1 point2 points 9 months ago (8 children) | Copy Link

I don't really qualify to ask you any questions. Kids healthy and I found my way out of my dark room (toilet in my case) rather quickly and easily. A woman with her own kids from another failed marriage helped me re-establish. Rather a simple and clitche out. But there are men her usually with much deeper gloom than I had. They come and Go never staying to talk. I often wonder what happen to them. i stay here because there is too much bad advice here. For starters "don't leave your house" can be good advice for some and terrible for others. Or "co parent for your children" is another good advice for some and terrible for many in a contentious divorce. My demons were caused by the courts who allowed a pathological liar to escalate. I got my respite in the end when I finally showed the truth. That felt like I kicked all the doors and windows out of my dark room and jumped out slapping everyone who tried to keep me there. I have not returned there. Vindication was not as good as I imagined it. It was rather calm and the glory lasted briefly. My fight ended with fireworks and that was it. I stayed here on reddit trying to help someone. Sometimes I think I do but my story is a bit unique. Few men here are willing to risk everything for the opportunity to tell the truth. Few have such high principles that leaving their house is an immediate must. I am not seen as the voice of reason. Just some guy with knees too thick for his own good. That's how I raised my kids too. Thick knees so they never become victims of anyone. So they leave the house right quick instead of staying for their own safety

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (7 children) | Copy Link

I love how you use the allegory of the dark room for your situation. I have been kept in a holding pattern for the past 3 years by my grief and fear. Some people would say I need to let my balls drop, it's not like I didn't try to.... I just did not acquiesce because I'm weak. I acquiesced because I got tired of my wife screaming and cursing and yelling sexual vulgarities in front of my children. I got tired because after the death of my child and my mother. My wife and her family just use the court system to get an injunction on me. It was dismissed but on top of the dealing with the trauma of holding my dead son's body, hearing my mother screaming like a goat even though she was brain dead. My other son taking away from me. Yeah life kicked my ass. Now there have been times over the past 3 years where I have moved back into my house. I always somehow thought that things would go back to a state of normal. I'm lucky to have family that have reinvested in me each time and help me get a lawyer each time.

I would used to say I am not doing what I'm doing for myself, in fact I'm doing it for my son. That's not the truth though. I gave up on myself completely for about two and a half years. Only working with this new group therapist have I started to see value in myself. To have the rot of my wife and her family's toxic Behavior that was so deeply embedded into my subconscious, exercised. I am at peace. There are times where frantic spirals hit me and I'll reach out and read it. For the most part though even if I lose my child which in Florida is very very rare especially when I have the accumulated evidence of 8 years of systematic dehumanization and abuse and negligence from my wife. Not just to me but towards my children. I'll try to remember to keep you updated what's going on. I will never fight for custody, simply because I believe that my little boys does need his mother and his father. Tour credit she has become a much better mother with one child than with two. She could not handle both of the children at the same time. Although it does not make her mother of the year like she trust portray yourself to be I am proud of her for stepping up to the plate. Florida is pretty much a 50/50 state. The dream home that I bought all of us, are forever home. I couldn't sell it before now. I did not have the mental gumption. I felt like I was betraying my child to dream of my family? In reality I have been living and a much lower standard of living than she has. It's time to even the scales. Push for the sale of the house because I am on the deed and own half the equity. Push for my time with my son without any fear of reprisal from her. I will come will come. Now I just got to figure out which school to go to. Which major I should enroll for. Thank you for your words of encouragement and strength.

[–]Factastical 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (6 children) | Copy Link

I can resonate with everything you said. The silver bullet method was used against me for years. I beat that and her and every agent who allowed it. It didn't help me to rip these people apart. Just satisfied my need to do so that I waited for years. You have to buck up. I didn't get better until the anger replaced the sorrow. I had no actual loss like you. My loss was self imposed. I left. The sorrow of leaving my kids, a pathological liar and everything i built, really fucked me up. The years long silver bullet method was ironically what helped. When the kids finally figured out that mommy can't tell the truth, our dynamic changed drastically. When the anger replaced the sorrow, that's when things became interesting. I developed a penchant for ripping these people apart in person. Proved my wife's lawyer and child lawyer were complicit in the silver bullet and ripped them to pieces in a packed court waiting room. They been on their best behavior since I reminded them an ethics complaint is their problem not mine. I am at peace now. The kids are doing amazing and so am I. I come here to try and help someone. I am past the point of needing it myself. How do you plan to rekindle with your other son? Do you talk? Play? What is the barrier besides your old battle axe?

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Oh gosh yes, we play. His mother is not tuned into his emotions at all. Really does not see him as a human being other a conveyance for her to read some higher Society by forcing him to play golf 7 days a week. She forgets that when most of my boys were little I was both their mother and their father even though I work 12 hours a day. I cannot tell you how many nannies or house cleaners I hired for her. Now that things are easier if she wants to appear at some other over here. And a strange way I'm grateful because it has allowed me these three years to heal myself. No rekindling won't be any problem I still see him every night. Just when she starts yelling I leave. My little boy knows and I repeat it to him over and over again why does daddy leave? Daddy leaves and Mommy starts yelling so he knows. As far as keeping up with a school schedule yes I will have to relearn that. Oh we love doing everything together going to amusement parks! Getting his favorite deal Coney Island Hot Dogs with this special ice cream place that they have in town! Going to see his friends up in Orlando! Funimately allowing him to be a little boy again. I cannot wait, I cannot wait! Regardless, I am accepting of both outcomes. I just know I cannot continue to live this way.

[–]Factastical 0 points1 point2 points 9 months ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (3 children) | Copy Link

No brother you got it correctly but I simply will not allow that to happen. I do not live in my marital home. On and off I tried to move back in and make it work but I can be as calm as a cucumber. That matters not one bit. I will not subject my already traumatized son to arguing. Even if I'm accountable to myself, she knows exactly which buttons to hit in order to get an elicited response. As soon as my voice starts raising I leave. As soon as she starts with anything, micromanaging, gas lighting, being unreasonable, raising her voice, insults I leave immediately. So in the state of Florida when the parents split they both have equal custody to their children. My wife has told me though if I try to pick my son up from school she will go and try to file another injunction. Based off of what? Based off of bullshit. Still it sends me back into some PTSD fit of being homeless in my truck weeks after my little boy and my mother died with no one to turn to and just crying to myself. No if I time it right, then I can usually spend around an hour or two with my child. I'm filing a divorce so I can put in an emergency parenting plan and have the house which is about 70% of my name sold. It took me a long time to get the emotional state where I was okay with this. Not only okay with this but having the backbone again to push through and do not feel like I am doing something wrong that betrays the family that I had for my little boy who I love so much. It's fucked up if she's played on that, she's played on that sentimentality and that love. I have to be accountable though because I'm the one who let her.

[–]Factastical 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

My stbx once complained to the courts that my kids saw me cry. It was one of few truths in her complaint. I used to have uncontrollable panic when I left to roach motel hell. When it hit me, it was like I was a fish. I could feel drowning. I would turn red and seek shelter to get away from being seen. It was random and dibilitating. I never had that before. It took over a year to get over. But it happen less often without kids, so I stayed away as much as possible. The hell of living in roach motels and few times in my car, unable to see my kids much, really set me up for failure. Years later when the pathological liar finally lost in court and the lies came out, i finally told my kids. "It's ok for a man to be emotional. It's ok to cry. It's not ok to use that against another person in a court document when the complaint is filed by the same person who caused the upheaval". The kids understand fully. They know be as fearless. I always have been. They saw a moment of weakness in a man who never feared much. I was embarrassed for being weak so long. The panic attacks ended when I started fighting back against the courts and mandates. Gloom was replaced by anger for what the courts allowed her to continue doing not just to me but to the kids when they were with me. Fortunately for me, it was a brief stint in purgatory. Frankly after reading your journey, I realize I never entered hell and I didn't climb out of it like you did. Thank you for providing important context. I was not missing it but I need to be reminded that it was in my head mostly.

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Brother I understand what you're saying, even if you didn't communicate it. I've always battled anxiety and depression but I won those fights all throughout my life. When I was working 80 100 hours I would have panic attacks because it felt like I was just dealing with a unforgiving and demanding God I had to appease every day. Yeah it feels like falling or a roller coaster when your stomach drops out but not in a fun way. Now, now I have the super fun diagnosis of PTSD and cptsd. Cuz I was the only one in my family or at her family that held my son's lifeless body. The corners told me not to but my mind it's napped and I ended up being covered head to toe in his blood. Really though it came from the punishment afterwards. It came from her and her family just making my life a living hell that it honestly seems like they were trying to push me to commit suicide. I have a friend now who always asks me, Michael... how the fuck are you still alive? That question may have made me feel cool in the past but honestly now I have gotten the help that I need. My heart has opened back up to my son who is deceased. I am at peace going forward with a divorce. I am at peace selling our Dream Home. I am just at peace and I'm ready to move forward in the next step of my life. I'm glad we could have this little bit of relating to each other. The world does not make it easier for us brother. I do have a question though. I do not assume that my wife will go quietly. She will not sell the house quietly or give up custody of my child quietly. Legally does not have a leg to stand on but I underestimate her at my own peril. If I'm reading your story correctly you were able to file a ethics complaint against her lawyer? How long did you have to fight your ex-wife to gain custody of your children and to get your freedom back? If you don't feel comfortable answering you don't have to

[–]Factastical2 points 9 months ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Musashie-Mike[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 months ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Boglehead101 1 point2 points3 points 9 months ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Boglehead101 4 points5 points6 points 9 months ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Immediate-Story2562 2 points3 points4 points 9 months ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Title	Rebuilding/Going for Masters Degree after Divirce and death of child.
Author	Musashie-Mike
Upvotes	8
Comments	17
Date	October 28, 2025 4:36 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1oi0et4/rebuildinggoing_for_masters_degree_after_divirce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/rebuildinggoing-for-masters-degree-after-divirce.1565190 https://theredarchive.com/post/1565190

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