Me M37, wife is 36. Last August I noticed my wife was texting too much with a male coworker who was “just a friend.” My wife and I sat down and had a heart to heart, she told me she was unhappy and I asked what things needed to change to make our marriage better. Admittedly I was suffering with depression and struggling to find a new career at the time and lacked purpose and drive, we were both at the heaviest weight we’ve ever been, and I smoked too pot. much Not much for her to love here. She has a stable job she loves but suffers from depression.

I stopped smoking pot entirely. I decided to change my lifestyle for the better and to lose weight and eat healthy. I was more positive and optimistic about the future and overall happier. I started getting us to go on daily walks and I started losing weight and in turn that motivated her to do the same. We started going on date nights each month, were intimate more frequently. We decided to try and have another baby. But throughout the fall she kept texting this coworker and it became a reoccurring source of frustration and insecurity for me. Looking back this is when I should have given her an ultimatum to quit it or bounce.

I still struggled with my career but emotionally I was in a much better place and thought we were as a couple. I’ve lost almost 60lbs to date and am in the best shape I’ve been, been hitting the gym for months now. She had lost a decent amount of weight as well. In January she flipped a switch almost overnight and hated me and was mad at me for all of our past fights. She said she needed space and a separation though we still lived together. I didn’t know this then but her male coworker had left his girlfriend and told my wife he wanted to be with her. In the weeks that followed they started a full blown affair and she thought she loved him but now per my wife he told her he sees no future with her long term in his heart. She still texts, flirts and probably sleeps with him. She still wants to be with him more than likely, definitely more than me. I’ve maintained my weight loss through all this while at times she still seems depressed and has put a bunch of her weight back on.

I am dumb and want to save our marriage and can forgive her but she shows no interest and has said she wants a divorce. She hasn’t filed yet but I know it’s only a matter of time. She won’t cut the other guy out of her life she says she doesn’t see a point. She’s angry all the time and says it’s because of our bad fights and how I treated her in the past. We briefly tried marriage counseling but it did nothing as she put in 0 effort and was having an affair. We are each seeing our own counselors. She’s telling all her friends and family I’m the bad guy but conveniently omitting her affair. The guy she is having the affair with is less attractive than me she admitted, is our age and divorced with 4 kids and doesn’t want a serious relationship, he’s overweight and has already had 1 heart attack, he doesn’t want more kids or to remarry all things my wife wants in starting over. Makes no fucking sense. It’s frustrating she cheated and I want to work things out and she doesn’t give a fuck.

She’s lied multiple times about the status of their relationship. I’ve pursued her too much since January asking to work things out. She’s said she loves me but is not in love with me. I’m a roller coaster of emotion. She asked me to dinner and hiking over the last couple weeks to see if there’s a spark there and I went but I felt like it was a pointless endeavor when he’s still in the picture.

I want my wife back but I know she isn’t coming back anytime soon. Terrified of starting over at my age. We share very few assets in common and rent our current house. Frustrated she’s already got someone new to be with and we live in a college town where meeting single ladies is near impossible.

Thanks for letting me vent!