Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my divorce. Here are a few things that I wish I knew three years ago and what I have learned since then.
1. When the she brings up the possibility of separation, she has already emotionally checked out. It’s over.
2. Go to therapy as a couple. Sometimes the truth comes out, sometimes not.
3. Go to therapy for yourself. Shit will get more real than you expect. 4. Hire an attorney as soon as possible. There are many issues that take time.
- Divorce is a court ordered business arrangement. It’s about money and other assets.
- Do what is best for the children. Ask your therapist and attorney what that is.
5. It is not worth the emotional energy to determine if she cheated or betrayed you in some other way. If you think she did, then she probably did. Move on. She did a long time ago. 6. Talk with family and close friends.
7. Go limited contact with your STBXW. Only communicate about business via email.
8. Withdrawal from social media.
9. Work on yourself. It takes time. Eat, sleep, exercise, and be with friends.
10. The relationship you have with your children is your responsibility. Doesn’t matter what the other parent says or does, you are an equal (or better) parent.
11. The hole of missing your children is immense. It hurts.
12. The loss of dreams and life plans can be devastating. Remember that others have survived what you are experiencing, and many went on to thrive. Develop new life plans and dreams. 13. Everyone decides for themselves if and when to date. The best advice I received, and ignored to my regret, was to wait for a year after the divorce before dating. This was given by a sibling that knew the situation and predicted how I was going to cope. Do what is good for you. If dating while separated works for you, go for it.
14. Some people don’t seriously date for several years after a divorce. For me, I am just now okay with dating, and now have little interest in doing so. OLD can be brutal for the over-35 crowd.
15. You got this.