When did you decide to pull the trigger and end it?

FiduciaryBlueberry · 2024-09-07T19:42:33+00:00

Probably the most relatable post for me. The posts where it's about intimacy, closeness, not just the fucking really hits me as it's exactly where I am.

Perimenopause, menopause on their end, declining, low testosterone on our end. There are some roadblocks which effect mood/emotion on both ends. If sex is uncomfortable, than, okay, we work around that, but the lack of effort or awareness of intimacy going away completely is baffling to me.

I see jokes online on the regular about men forgetting what their wife told them or other stereotypical things which we men do, and that has to pile up unless it's dealt with.

In my situation, I decided I would stay so the kids wouldn't have to give up their pursuits so that I could go on my own. I'm glad I kept a journal/diary, it's been helpful processing my loneliness and overall grief. There have been some wicked low points for me over the past four years - today, I'm not caught up in the black hole of despair, more like I'm in a sustained orbit.

I've been inconsistent in my effort to box up the hard feelings and just be a good husband; maybe I'll get in shape, fix my career / money and she'll come around. I'm can't be then only one who has thought this and taken this approach - I don't know about others, but it's a serious tug of war. I shouldn't have to do all this heavy lifting on my own in the hopes something will happen. I don't love the idea of having a plan or goal with a finish line that's either an outcome, or lack of outcome, or an arbitrary date 3,5 years from now. How can a plan to fix/repair the marriage have any hope of success if there is an exit strategy as an option? I'm not hating on it, it just sucks that it is prudent to plan for the what if.

On my low days, I be in bed and put my hand next to wife, just to feel something, anything. She is a light sleeper and so if I touch a sensitive spot, I'll get my hand whacked away.

What happens to sitting on the couch together, side by side? When did that end?

I think after years of marriage our wives have pent up resentment or whatever, not processing it and moving on. Maybe we as husband's are guilty of the same.

Bumblebee56990 · 2024-09-07T19:24:18+00:00

Has anyone taken into account menopause?

castironskilletset · 2024-09-07T18:58:17+00:00

When I saw her posting on r/breakingmom about planning to leave me and getting applause from other miserable women.

Next year of my marriage I spent in gym bulking and planning for life after divorce.

One week after our sons 2ns bday, she asked for divorce. I started fucking someone else. Then one month later she asks for therapy and I told her I am already dating someone else. She didn't speak to me till I moved out.

So she left me, but I was the one who came out on top. Because I could see that she was sailing our marriage towards a reef and the henhouse won't let me convince her otherwise.

So I just decided to build a raft for me instead and started sailing away. When my marriage crashed I was technically living with her in the same house but I had already moved on..

Now 5 years later she realized what she had done and I have to deal with her sadness because I share a child with her.

She is not a bad person, she just wasn't a quality wife and I was a loser, a match made in heaven. Now I am not a loser and she doesn't pass the wife material test.

tomsnow164 · 2024-09-07T18:08:34+00:00

So the dead bedroom thing seems to be an issue for a lot of men. Our bedroom wasn’t dead but it went from 100 down to 20 then when it went back to 50 she thought I should be super thankful, while I did carried all the financial burden most of the child duties and most of the household duties.

But the DB or sex in general is a large reason men get married. Sex is fun and has a million benefits and somebody wanting to have sex with you makes you feel awesome. When you are dating they are throwing it at you and saying god this is so great. So you say ok this is great I want this life I’ll do the things you ask and you keep me having good sex. Then you get married and they start rationing it based on your behavior. The worst part is if you say anything you are disgusting and shamed into it being this thing that you are rewarded with instead of their half of the contract. If you say well if we aren’t having sex you can go get a job, you are a pig. If you say you won’t do your half of the cleaning or whatever it is that is your assigned task you are wrong. But the reality is they just removed most of your benefit and now are telling you to do more to get back what you are should be owed. But it’s wrong to talk about it transactionally. It’s the biggest grift in marriage.

Then even worse is you guys get divorced (and TW if you get upset at the idea of your ex having sex) and now she is going out and having the kinkiest sex with these new guys because she is also unbelievably repressed from the DB she imposed on your marriage. It is wild.

Frequent_Papaya_3174 · 2024-09-07T17:51:45+00:00

Haven’t pulled the trigger yet but I have a lawyer set up, an “invention” to apply for this appointment went to look at, money coming to pay for everything. I’m just so scared about the unknown. We’re in a DB also and it’s killing me. All I need and want is intimacy not even just sex. Just hold me and kiss my forehead. He wants nothing to do with me and he admits that he doesn’t want intimacy but I am having a hard time letting go.

ChemistGlum6302 · 2024-09-07T17:38:20+00:00

The dead bedroom part is a big thing to me because they just expect we should live forever without it because they don't want to do it. It's a pretty heavy cloud hanging over our heads everyday. FYI I'm not divorced...yet, but having similar feelings. Cheers brother.

Title	When did you decide to pull the trigger and end it?
Author	ParsleyOk7195
Upvotes	4
Comments	10
Date	September 7, 2024 4:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fbbm6f/when_did_you_decide_to_pull_the_trigger_and_end_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-did-you-decide-to-pull-the-trigger-and-end-it.1529725 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529725

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