Long post ahead, you have been warned :)

I was pilled a while ago, but not for too long. It was taking a toll on my mental health and I stopped consuming that type of content, however, I believe that there are still some remnants, which were dormant until now. For context, we are both in our early twenties.

A few days ago, I finally met my crush. We started talking on the internet, we had been talking for a little over a month, during which we talked A LOT, I mean, we were averaging like 4h of chatting per day (the record was like 8 continuous hours, from chit chats to deep talks, from philosophising to gossipping, and even watching movies together on discord. About a week into our chats, she came up with the idea to send pictures of each other to know how the other looked like. She's quite attractive, I find myself okay-looking, although I am rocking a dad bod (slowly losing weight and gaining muscle too). She called me cute after we shared pics of each other. Also, although at the moment we live in different cities, I will move to hers in a few months for work, so it wouldn't be a long distance thing for too long.

Now, the things we were doing that made me think I had a chance: she initiated our chats often, she was very engaging in conversation as she often delivered very detailed and thought-out responses, whenever the conversation was stalling both of us tried to continue so it wasn't a one-sided effort from me, she sent me pictures a couple of times from when she tried on dresses while shopping (and those were the kind of dresses that really hugged her body and showed off her curves), she often complimented how much she liked talking to me and how much she liked my ways of thinking and how they aligned to hers, we would tease each other daily, we had pet names for each other, called each other dear, at one point she hinted at the fact that she'd have expected me to take her out to grab a cup of coffee had we been in the same city, she'd talk about how she'd cook one of her favorite dishes for me when we'd meet, we opened up to each other a little about our struggles in the past, and maybe other stuff that are not coming to mind right now. Also, apart from that, she mentioned that she doesn't quite believe in very deep friendships between two people of opposite sexes because one of them will more than likely develop feelings at some point, so that made me doubt that she did all that without thinking that there was potential for more.

Anyway, that brings me to the present. Yesterday, I was about to be in transit in her city and had an hour or two to burn, so I messaged her and told her that I'd like to meet since we had the opportunity. She was a little reserved at first, mainly because I was just a guy she had been talking to through the internet for like a month (so I understand her initial hesitation), aside from that she also had classes from morning until afternoon and plans after that, but despite all that, she wanted to meet me so she delayed her plans by an hour (making her friends wait for her in the process).

Things... didn't really go as expected. Normally, the discussions would flow really easy for us (I think that during all that time that we spent talking, we had maybe like 2-3 dry conversations, and... this was exactly like it. During these types of conversation, it seems like both of us want it to continue, both of us try and engage with different topics but it just doesn't stick. It wasn't really like those kind of one-sided conversations where one person does all the talking and are met with short responses, the conversation just didn't stick. Imagine a tennis match, where both sides desperately want to get the ball on the other side of the net to the other person but the ball mostly hits the net or falls short. That's how it felt.

Not only that, but at the end... and this makes me cringe so f'ing bad, when we first saw each other, we hugged. All good. When we said goodbye, as she was taking an uber to her friend's and I was going to meet mine to get in the car and go home, she extended her hand to me, saying that she was glad that we met. She just wanted to shake my hand at the end, considering the fact that she went in for the hug in the beginning. At that moment, I literally started laughing at myself for being so stupidly hopeful, and I dunno, I guess she felt bad or something and then went in for a hug... it felt like a pity hug. I cringed inwardly so f'ing bad, like, OH MY GOD. And I still do.

Now, I'm torn. There's the optimistic side of me, and then there's the pessimistic(/realistic?) side of me. The former thinks that maybe she was kinda tired from being on the move all day, from classes, then back to her dorms to change, and then to come and meet me, and then to run to her friends, so the girl had a long day (she actually even told me the day before that she might not be her best self because that day will have been pretty long), it was also pretty warm out and we were both running against time. Also, this would be her first... I dunno, fling, relationship, situationship whatever this thing we had could be called, so maybe she was just awkward because of inexperience in this regard (as am I, as a matter of fact), and also we are both ambiverts (introverted with new people, extroverted with people we've known for a while and feel comfortable with). Who knows, maybe she felt just like me.

And then there's the pessimistic side of me, which is what compelled me to write this post in the first place. I keep thinking that maybe she thought I was too fat, or, even though she knew I was 1-2 inches shorter than her, it bothered her more than she thought it would, or I wasn't as attractive as she perceived me to be from the pics I had sent her, or maybe because we weren't able to click in real life as well as we did on the internet from the first time then she thought it might not be worth it, and so on and so forth.

This happened yesterday, she messaged me a couple of times during that evening (one with a funny picture, the other one was another picture of the view from her friend's balcony), and that was it. Granted, during the weekends we don't really talk, she is busy studying, running errands and spending time with her brothers. But I can't help thinking that I flunked it because I only had one shot, missed, thus losing any chance I had with her.

Anyway, I wanted to make this post because I am confused and kinda lost. I don't know if I should cut my losses, wish her a happy life and move on, or keep talking to her as if nothing happened, or talk to her about it (in which case, what the hell could I even say so I don't seem needy and desperate?). I would DEFINITELY avoid confessing about my feelings, it's not the kind of thing I want to do through text or even a call. A small part of me kinda wants to ghost, but alas, I think that's the cowardly thing to do so I won't do it.