Let me start off by saying that I think my issues go much deeper than the red pill, as when I was a child, I never felt loved by my mother and I always felt unworthy of her love, percieving myself to be unlovable. I knew she loved me, but I just never felt it. Looking back, I see similar patterns playing out, except now thanks to red pill and manosphere shit, instead of it being my mother it's nearly an entire gender. The kinds of girls I've been intimate with were always either unavailable and involved elsewhere or would try making me jealous with promiscuous remarks. They say we date people who are similar to us and who reveal what we are.

I've had several breakdowns today because I am afraid I won't ever be completely free of these ideas. Thankfully I don't believe in hypergamy or women being whores but ever since I've been interested in girls I've automatically believed they could never love me for who I was because I wasn't the perfect 'alpha male' and it has fucked me up psychologically to the point where I hate those manosphere coaches and gurus with a passion for what they taught. I can't hardly look at women as different people or individuals unless I know them well and even then my mind makes excuses that they are exceptions to the majority and it's still hard to believe I am loved. I rationalized a few of those old beliefs and for a while I stopped believing them but then they came back.

If I see a man who isn't stoic or who seems gentle or polite my mind will insult him as a beta. It makes me feel like shit because I don't want to think that way of anyone. If I look at my dog or something with love my mind things it's too beta because it shows compassion. The ideas of harmony and love and honor now seem like weak and 'beta' ideas even though I know intellectually they aren't actually. Some of those red pill fucks think being a remorseless psychopath is alpha and what a man should be.

I've tried rationalizing, affirming different things, and pretty much every trick in the book as far as me trying alone and it led me to having breakdowns and feeling like I could never be free from this cult no matter what I did. It wasn't as bad until when I tried detoxing these ideas. I hate the red pill and I hate what it has done to me. I was putting off therapy but I think I need it. At this point I'd like to wipe out my memory of anything related to women or dating and start over completely just so I could see the world normally again.

I just want to be free of this stuff forever. I don't care if I'm ever loved again I just don't want to see women or myself as I always have in a negative way and I am afraid things are too ingrained and it has forever ruined my chances of being happy and secure with myself in relationships. By the way, I've had a few great relationships with great women but I expected them to leave me or I would do unhealthy red pill mind games on some of them to not appear beta. I'm lucky to have met women who loved me for me but that still didn't change my mindset as a whole. I hold out faith that I will prevail, in fact I KNOW that I will come out the other side, but after struggling almost a year and having nothing but breakdowns, I am just asking what is the best way some of you left this stuff behind for good?

I hate to say it but I think I need professional help. Not just for this but I think I have worthiness issues in general.