Back in 2012, I was dating a girl who was also my first girlfriend. I was never frank about my lack of experience with women that bothered me more than it should. Obviously, she didn't mind, and everything would have been fine as far as she was concerned. But nothing was fine as far as I was concerned; I felt it was unfair for her to "push" me into a committed relationship with my "unfair disadvantage".

At that time, I thought that breaking up with her was the right thing to do and that I'll have tons of opportunities in my life with other women. I couldn't stop bothering myself with her past without realizing it was perfectly normal for an attractive girl to have ex-boyfriends, and that past is the past. All it really mattered is the present, and in the present, it was me who she liked, not her ex-boyfriends or any other men. But as an inexperienced dude, it was something I could not understand or appreciate at that time. She was a girl who gave a chance for our relationship to work out against all odds. She was open to her family about our relationship while I hid it from everyone except my roommate. She was putting up with my bullshit excuses whenever I didn't bother to call her or text her. She loved me and wanted to be with me.

But all of that didn't matter. My insecurities were the only thing that mattered. That breakup was my entry ticket into The Red Pill shortly afterward. I became an even bigger narcissist than I was as the red pill was feeding my insecurities. I enjoyed reading Illimitable Man's blog and tried to embrace the dark triad. I did a lot of regrettable things.

Three years after spitting the pill, I'm older and hopefully wiser, I realize my mistakes, but I still try to understand how I allowed all of this to happen. I was dragged into a cult that completely wrecked my entire life. I never approached another woman in three years, as I don't think I fully recovered. I genuinely don't believe I am ever going to be able to love another person. I feel completely devoid of emotion. At this point, I don't think my life is possible to be fixed even though I no longer hold any red pill beliefs. I lost all of my friends and my family.

I genuinely never believed I would say that I wish I had someone together with me. To say that, I wish I had a wife. That I was married. But now I realize how poor I am, having to deal with these difficult times all by myself, forgotten and abandoned by everyone. I lost the love of my life because of my bullshit and then lost everything because of bullshit fantasies of unlimited access to unlimited sex and not committing to anyone but myself.

I always wanted more. I thought I deserve more. I never understood modesty. I never appreciated what I had. But now, I realize that one woman is more than enough, and present is all it really matters. Everything else is irrelevant. Maybe it will last forever. Maybe it won't. But never abandon the right thing you have now for "theoretical gains" in the future. That future may never come.