I am posting this here because I think that my struggle is at least partially related to my redpill/pua indoctrination, which I am trying to distance myself from.

One of the first books I ever read about relationships was Models by Mark Manson. It says men should always be less invested in a relationship otherwise they would come off as needy. I don't necessarily disagree with this. The problem, though, is I realized that being afraid of over investing gives me anxiety. This is not a problem when I meet someone at first, I don't refrain from texting in order to show interest and get to meet, hookup etc. But when things get serious and I develop feelings, showing interest, or even just interacting with someone makes me feel like I will lose them.

Recently, I hooked up with a girl two nights in a row at a conference where we met. We live in different states, and after that she dm'd me on my IG story and invited me to visit her. We texted for a week non-stop, calling each other cute names etc. Then the conversation dried, and I waited because I did not want to come off as needy. She texted me again after 6 days to let me know when she will be back (she is out of country now) so that we can plan the visit. We made a brief plan and she double texted on something trivial, which clearly signals she wanted to interact with me. Then conversation dried again and she ended it with reacting to what I last said. I noticed that I continue conversations enthusiastically as long as she initiates it, but I hate the possibility that I initiate a conversation because I think it will make me needy. Every time she initiates it, I feel like it is another win. If I initiate it though, I already lose no matter what we talk. With my last gf, it came to a point where I would only text if she initiated.

I am even doubting my perception of relationships at this point. Like, is that how I am supposed to feel? Given that this will be a long distance relationship, I am afraid I will not be able to manage this due to this issue. I don't even know if this resonates at all with anyone else tbh.