COMPREHENSIVE VETTING STRATEGY: FRIENDS

Hahane · 2020-09-14T14:30:11+00:00

Avoid people who act whatever they feel like, hurting you or make your life super inconvenient because of their shit, and they say stuff like: this is who I am, I can't change or 'But I'm Aries!', or whatever excuse you can think of. And you are understanding, you always think: 'yeah, she can't change, yeah she is Aries, yeah, it's stupid of me expecting that she'd change, I'm such a bad friend' but once you act like a bitch, because you had enough of that, or something is going on with your life, they are like: what a bitch, and they magically dissapear from your life. 😁 Basically people incapable of a basic empathy. Avoid them.

Gambit12345 · 2020-09-14T15:23:17+00:00

I have always been more of a loner, when I got to college I was in a group of friends. One girl I got along really well with liked to act like she was our leader. We did things she wanted to do, and if one of us mentioned something different it had to be run past her first. Seeing as I’ve always been independent, this person sort of tried to take me under her wing and have me be her plus 1 to things. She loved to copy the things I did and eventually I realized what a user she was. There was a lack of reciprocation. I had another close friend who was super flaky. Flakiness is extremely rude. Anyone who is up your ass when they need something, but puts you on the back burner, is no friend. For example, when she cheated on her bf I tried to be there for her even though she was in the wrong. When my bf left me, she was no where to be found, not even to hear out my gripes. When we hung out it was always me going to her, it was always her responding whenever she felt like. I’d literally be speaking to her and she’d zone out or carry on a conversation with someone in the vicinity. She even deleted me off fb then said it was an accident. Yea sure. You’ll get a vibe that something is off with a friend when you do so much for them but they don’t do the same. That goes for scheduling hang outs. I was usually the one to initiate fun activities then realized if they wouldn’t plan for me why am I planning for them? A lot of times, the people I’ve clicked with the most wound up being toxic for me in some way.

meltdownin5 · 2020-09-14T17:04:34+00:00

just want to start by saying I’ve recently (last two years-ish) had to eliminate several friendships in my life due to the negative impact they’ve had on me, my mental health, and my outlook on relationships and life, and while it is difficult, I’ve noticed the change. I stand up taller, feel better, have better trust in my (high value) friends and even feel LESS lonely than before when I had high numbers of low value friends.

I want to do this from the POV of looking for green flags rather than red because as we all know it can be pretty easy to hide red flags sometimes but it’s more difficult to fake green ones. My high value friends, both women and men (same standard is essential), all have these qualities, and they are ones I would expect from a partner as well:

They also want to “level up” in their lives. They focus on self improvement in a general sense: stay healthy, go to therapy, end toxic relationships, work hard in their profession, set goals for themselves, are honest in self assessment. Basically, they are headed the same direction as you (hopefully) on bettering themselves.
This is the biggest one to me— they don’t hesitate to tell me when I am in the wrong, but never in a shaming or condescending way, though sometimes disappointed. Always helpful and concerned. They then work with me to figure out what would be the correct or healthier way to deal in the future, AND hold me accountable.
They respect ALL of my boundaries, and frequently ask to confirm/take actions to make me comfortable (e.g. won’t push if I tel them I don’t hve the social energy to hang out, telling other/new friends I don’t like to be touched, asking if something that could be a sensitive, topic for me is ok to discuss, etc).
Talking about your feelings in/about the relationship is not a burden or something to be really anxious about. If I need something or feel neglected or just need to explain a boundary to them, it’s not an uphill battle. They are kind, open, empathetic, and receptive.
They do simple kind things but don’t expect praise. Tip waiters well. Put away their shopping cart. Pick up their trash when they are done. Ask if you need help with dishes. That sort of thing.
They are respectful of your time AND make time for you. If they have to cancel or are running late, they’ll let you know as soon as they do. If you usually talk most days, may give you a heads up on days they won’t be available. They are never just “busy” for days on end with no explanation and will make an effort to spend time with you because they want to and actually care enough to do it.
They are communicative about their/your needs. If they need support, they will let you know and not just expect you to figure it out. If you need support and they aren’t available, it’s not just “I’m busy” but “I can talk at x:00 if you still need me then.” If they aren’t feeling emotionally fit enough to give you support, it’s a safe space to say that without either party feeing slighted.
They check in. They text you first sometimes, ask how your day is going, and for updates. Caveat: Sometimes people aren’t texters or callers but anyone who truly cares about you will check in somehow. One of my friends keeps really good track of my Instagram and Stories and always asks me on updates on those activities in person. Basically they show they care about your life, what you’re doing, and how you’re feeling.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list but hopefully it can set people on the right track! A big thing is that they need to be able to expect this from you too— it can be easy to fall into old LV habits sometimes but real friends hold you to the same standard as themselves, so it’s soooo important to have HV friends that hold you to a HV standard, and to strive for that yourself too. Still on the journey and learning myself but slowly figuring things out :)

srkambbs1 · 2020-09-14T15:49:33+00:00

[deleted]

samarsharqi · 2020-09-14T23:36:08+00:00

This is what I’ve learned. Unfortunately I’m unable to completely implement everything because I have a lifelong friend who I don’t have the heart to cut off. Partially because she is slowly, VERY SLOWLY, improving as a person, but mostly because we’ve been friends so long and I don’t have the heart to do so because she’s isolated from others.

These are red flags for friends I have learned over the years: 1. Expects “best friend” treatment although you’ve just met. Calls you their “bestie” quickly. Not too different from a LVM rushing you into exclusivity.

Is flaky. If she doesn’t show up to lunch, she won’t show up to pick you up from the airport.
Demands you pay her back immediately for things, but is lax in paying you back. I feel hella awkward asking for money and yet, these types always have the audacity.
Doesn’t have a job and car (if you live somewhere where most people have a car).
“Misery loves company”- if she speaks about her own shitty struggles as your collective experience. “Why doesn’t anybody like usssss”- girl this isn’t even about me don’t drag me into it. This is toxic af and someone who doesn’t wanna see you out grow them.
Acts jealous or rude when you hang out with other friends. Doesn’t wanna hear about your weekend if it didn’t involve her.
Doesn’t ask questions about what’s going on in your life- your job, friendships, dating life.
Uses you as a therapist. Declines going to therapy even though everything in her life makes it obvious she needs to GO TO THERAPY.
Talks to you about negative things others (their friends, family etc) say about you. Those people feel comfortable bitching about you because she’s doing it too.

2020-09-14T10:39:55+00:00

What my teenage life was like: I was a medium sized girl from highschool. As well all know, teenage girls are mostly skinny because their bones are still stretching up and molding up. But with my case, I was more of that medium sized girl.

I was shy but I was friendly, I kept on communicating with my classmates and found a clique in that manner. But also because of the highschool politics, I was a part of nomads or anti-social clique.

They were pissy, rude, weird, nerdy and a bit foolish. They are the ones who have issues from childhoos because of broken families and single parents. I felt how angry they were with the world and how they developed pride because of that, I was with them because they resonate the things that I see at home: angry, messy and chaotic. My whole life was surrounded with chaos and it always taught me a lesson on meekness not to be rattled with the craziness.

That meekness was my strength that turned into exploitation and emptiness. I was sucked in with the learned behaviors of toxicity of my childhood and because of that - I stayed longer in toxic friendships as it was all that I had known.

These are the things you should look out for with gaining a friend: 1. Emotionally Disciplined: These types of friends would be there to help you during chaos and wouldn't be bothered with things that usually bothers normal people. 2. Avoid the angry and miserable people: This types of friends will suck the life out of you being their surrogate mother. 3. Friends with libfem-narcissistic tendencies that acts in pickmeisha qualities such as: making you decide on what they should do next, ask you for things, make you their fall backs, waste you time listening to their stories, laughing at you when you get angry when they fck up, overall thinks that you owe something to them. Thinks that they are goddesses who can do whatever they want without consequences. *FACT: My girl friends lost their virginity before 20, and they were proud of sharing their stories with me. Women who are too open with their kinks when you hang out in public with them are the ones who don't hesitate to let you fall with them.

So, sisters I hope that you have some lists of what you allow and what you don't allow with people in your life. Please take care of yourselves and always watch out.

Title	COMPREHENSIVE VETTING STRATEGY: FRIENDS
Author	Icy-Initiative-6188
Upvotes	40
Comments	11
Date	September 14, 2020 10:24 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/isib3e/comprehensive_vetting_strategy_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comprehensive-vetting-strategy-friends.213846 https://theredarchive.com/post/213846

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