I (26) have been following FDS for a few months and it has opened my eyes to many things. Some of the most difficult realizations I have made in my life have come from reading this sub, and it is so painful but necessary.

My latest, most painful realization is how LV my own father (45) is, and it's tough to cope with. I fully made the realization on Father's day, but it explains why I have a habit of going for LVM and explains pretty much my entire upbringing.

Growing up, I actually lived with my maternal grandparents because my parents had me very young (mom was 17, dad was 19). They never married and split up for good when I was about 4 or 5, and both had visitation rights every other weekend.

Every time I saw my father, which was not often, I thought he was the BEST thing ever. I can remember waiting by the window when he was supposed to pick me up, but many times he wouldn't show up. The next time I'd see him, he would tell me how my grandmother was keeping me from him. He would praise me, and talk to me about how much of a slut my mother and grandmother were and how they schemed against him so he would lose custody of me. He was the blameless victim..

AS A TINY LITTLE CHILD. AS YOUNG AS 8 YEARS OLD HE WAS MAKING ME HATE THE PEOPLE I HAD TO GO HOME TO.

I wanted nothing more in the world than to live with him. He would praise me and put me on such a high pedestal that I couldn't be myself around him at all. I lied and told him I got straight As because I was addicted to his words. "You are perfect." "You are beautiful." "You are so smart!" "You deserve better than to live with those people." He would ask my step sister in front of me why she couldn't be more like me, which made me terrified to do anything wrong in front of him. The fact that my mother was so distant and I never had a bond with her caused me to want his acceptance even more.

As I got older, the idea of living with him lost steam. I started to see him for who he was, although I did still love him and make excuses in my head as to why he was the way he was. "He was only 19 when I was born." "Well, my mom DID cheat on him.. I think."

Honestly, my head was filled with so many stories from different people that I still to this day don't know why my parents lost custody of me. It was always a he said, she said thing with no one taking responsibility for their own part in it. I have accepted that I will never know the truth, but the adults in my life really fucked up and now I will be in and out of therapy for the rest of my life trying to sort out the mess they left me.

Back to the point, I always felt it was unfair to pin so much of the blame on my father, but at this point in my life, fuck that guy. I'm done making excuses for him.

I called him a couple months ago crying my eyes out thinking I needed a man's perspective on my relationship problems. My boyfriend decided to watch porn while I was taking a shower after rejecting me for like 2 weeks, and we got in a huge fight. So I decided to call my dad, and ya know what he said? He told me that porn is no big deal, and that my boyfriend will grow out of it. He told me he really likes my boyfriend and to give him another chance. He asked me if I'm adventurous enough in bed or if I ever considered watching it with him.

The fucked up thing is that I felt BETTER after this conversation. It was like the child in me wanting him to tell me it was okay, and that I didn't have to do the hard thing.

On Father's day, he was telling me about my little brother's ex girlfriend breaking his heart. For context, my little brother is 18 and his ex is 17. MY DAD TOLD ME THIS AFTER I ASKED WHAT HAPPENED: "Well, this little fat ass was dating another guy at the same time. I told your brother to forget her because she's nothing but a little no good slut."

I said, "You are a 45 year old man calling a 17 year old girl a slut."

His response? "Well, she's just like your mother was. How do you think you got here?"

Like.. how hurtful. At this point, I feel like my life has been a lie so I want to just start new. I want to become independent of outside validation. I have grown very much and it has taken loads of therapy to get to this point, and I want to thank those of you on this sub who help me to further educate myself. Opening my eyes has been painful, but necessary.

I have a lot of work to do and hope to be as strong and independent as many of you ladies on this sub. In this moment, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dying inside. But I know I will come out stronger for it with many lessons learned.

Thank you for reading if you have gotten this far, and any words of support, advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Have a lovely day