Hi, I've been lurking her a while I hope this is ok to post.

I'm in my mid twenties and ever since I was little all I wanted to be was a wife and mother and I remember being anxious about not having a boyfriend and being attractive to boys when I was as young as ten. So I was a "Pickmeisha" since childhood. I think deep down I was always the archetypal "right wing woman" that Andrea Dworkin talked about. I saw all the rampant mistreatment of girls by boys all my life, and thought if I could limit it to only being demeaned by one man who would just let me love him and pour all my kindness and adoration into him I thought it would be worth it, even if he never loved me back. Because Jesus was willing to show his love for humanity by letting himself be killed even knowing that their were people who would never love him back, so I would understand how he felt just a little and be closer to Jesus. I was raised in a very traditional, conservative branch of Christianity and was taught to love others and always put them before me. I remember being lectured a lot by my father while in kindergarten to always give my food to other kids if they were hungry, befriend the bullied kid even if it would make other kids bully me too, give my jumper to someone else if they were cold etc, because that's what Jesus would want. I was primed to have no self esteem, so that's some context as to why I was so susceptible to manosphere stuff.

I have never had a boyfriend but I consider that a blessing now. But because I was so focussed on getting a guy I read a lot of dating and sex advice since adolescence and ended up stumbling on early PUA forums and eventually the red pill sub and other "Trad" materials. I was so impressionable I ended up really internalizing all they were saying to the point it really destroyed what little self-esteem I had. I'll give an example; I implicitly believed that I shouldn't even be employed because women being in the workforce depressed wages making it impossible for men to be the sole provider for their families, that I would literally be taking food out of their kid's mouths, and making it impossible for other women like me to live their dreams as a SAHM. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed that that belief ended up borrowing so deep in my psyche, to the point I also subconsciously believed that since I was a woman I was also inherently too incompetent to be employed. I didn't have the confidence or motivation to apply for any placements at uni because of this and I've slowly become aware of these toxic thought patterns and how much it hurt me in all aspects of my life. I also believed that my only worth was my youth and fertility which is apparently quickly declining. I was agoraphobic and struggled with disordered eating and suicidal ideation a few years ago.

I'm really really trying to undo this damage and reading subs like this one, pinkpillfeminism and gendercritical (among other things) have been so helpful in dismantling these negative beliefs, you women are so kind to each other and I love how everyone lifts each other up and want all women to be successful and achieve the love they really deserve. I've been applying for lots of jobs and graduate programs recently, such simple steps but steps I would have been to paralysed with anxiety to face. I've also mostly made peace with the fact I may not get married or have a romantic relationship ever, which is ok because I've been able to actually make a friend and be involved in social circles (I previously had zero friends). I'm also trying to unplug and withdraw from listening or consuming male opinions as much as possible and instead focussing on woman created and focussing on graduating university.

I just really want everyone to know how dangerous manosphere stuff is and to stay away and treat it like it's psychic poison. (The only value it has is for identifying the men who use it so they can be avoided and shunned like the creeps they are). Because you can start reading it and laugh at it or read it to fuel your outrage and you think it's harmless to do this, but if you keep doing it ideas can really burrow deep especially when you're so young and your brain is still developing. Maintaining mental hygiene by being very discerning in what you choose to dwell on and the types of media you pay attention to can make such a big difference.

I don't mind if I get labelled a pickmeisha (it's the truth) but I just wanted to thank you all and please be kind; I know the changes I've made are pathetically small but I'm hoping to make even bigger ones.

PS sorry if the formatting is bad and for poor writing, it's a little stream of consciousness-y. I was trying to get as much out as I could.