How do I know what I want?

SpicierThanExpected · 2019-09-10T13:56:04+00:00

If you’re new to dating, I wouldn’t come here personally. Or do a brief read of the safety posts please please please, but don’t read too many comments. These are all personal experiences and some are bitter and jaded, which is allowed because they’re based on personal experience. But I don’t think you should go into dating already bitter and jaded based on other people’s experiences.

Just meet new people, do whatever you’re comfortable doing, and if you don’t like it then don’t do it. That applies to everything. Don’t like butt stuff, don’t do butt stuff.

And if it turns out you just don’t like dating or don’t feel the need for a partner, then don’t do that either.

RicochetChez · 2019-09-10T13:37:54+00:00

Strangers on the internet can’t tell you what you want. You’re going to have to decide and enforce that for yourself just like every other adult.

TheOGJammies · 2019-09-10T15:12:38+00:00

The subreddit is not at all against having sex - the idea is that you must understand that sex is power and how to responsibly use it for your own maximum benefit. Too many women scream “empowerment” when they are really just using sex to please a man or prove something to the world.

Finding out what you want is a process. The first step is to listen to yourself. In your heart of hearts, what kind of relationship would you like to have? If you really are not sure, start out with identifying the traits you like in your friends and see if that can help you start piecing a picture together.

Next, and this is important, you have to learn how to strategize to get what you want out of situation. Understand that all people cannot be all things to you. You must be able to observe men as they are, understand their strengths and limitations and set boundaries accordingly. This is a generally good idea for life, but becomes especially important in Romantic relationships because of the level of emotion and energy you will want to put into them. For example, if you observe a man is emotionally unavailable, a smart strategy would be to put boundaries on your own emotional investment. Don’t try and change him, don’t feel responsible, just understand that this person is incapable of giving you what you need and respect that.

AverageToHot · 2019-09-10T20:01:35+00:00

For starters, read:
The Rules
Why Men Love Bitches

DjanoManjo · 2019-09-10T18:13:06+00:00

Hey Op!

27F here, plus gay, but I hope my insight and experiences will help get a long term stable partner.

I've got a rough formula that I apply when I meet new potential partners - they should be different to me in ways that keep it interesting (for example, they like Indian food and I like Chinese); similar to me in decision making (e.g. long term vs short term thinking, do we reach similar conclusions even if we have different values?) and complimentary to me in ways that make us stronger together than we are apart (aka we can be a team - they make dinner, and I wash the dishes, that kinda stuff).

They should ABSOLUTELY respect me, my time and my autonomy - this boils down to, giving me the freedom to make my choices, BUT they should trust me enough to know I would make choices that are best for the both of us to the best of my ability.

I also need to trust them in return.

They need to be willing to grow as a person - people who are stuck in their mode of being and not open to change will absolutely hold me back and be a liability.

I hope my ideas give some food for thought - but I'm still single - so take them with a pinch of salt!

CyanCyborg- · 2019-09-10T22:12:18+00:00

Best way to get into dating is find a spot where you can regularly interact with men you might be interested in, like a book club, gym, or cafe. It helps to befriend a guy you might be interested in first too, because liking someone platonically as well as romantically is important. Just let things fall into place organically, don't stress too much about strategies or methods. They can help sometimes, but focusing too much on them can take away from the substance of what you're trying to do. Just do what feels right to you. Always remember that sometimes someone won't be into you in return, and that's okay. Sometimes there's a clash of personality or lack of attraction, it happens. It'll happen on your end too, and you don't need to feel guilty about that. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

s_slayer · 2019-09-11T13:00:44+00:00

I met my ex husband at age 28 and was married for a decade and had two kids. All my relationships with men have been a disaster, and I’ve seen my pushover friends let their husbands walk all over them only to get divorced, cheated on and their self esteems wrecked by men. I don’t like most men. But I know there are good ones out there. I hope and believe I finally met one. I’m 45 now. I had my first boyfriend at age 15. I can’t think of a single healthy or whole man I’ve ever been with.

I finally decided to be alone, and I was totally 100% content with that decision. For the first time, I wished I could be gay but I’m just not. I met a man recently. I’m pretty scared. It seems to be going along really well, we’ve seen each other 5x now and haven’t had sex. It’s just been innocent, I feel like I’m being courted in a way even my ex husband never did. That said, if this guy isn’t the one, I’m either going to be single or end up with a woman because 30+ years of broken men would just be my breaking point. What do I want from a man, a reflection of who I am today - certainly a 180 degree different woman than I was all those years I let men have their way with me, cut me down, abandon me, and abuse me in every way possible.

Just make sure you are strong and wise enough to know the truth about men before you put yourself out there. Unfortunately I had to go through a lot of suffering to know what I wanted from a man. Now I know it’s just to compliment who I am today, a companion who is like-minded who I can have fun with and be young with again, and erase and forget all the pain of my past. Money helps, it is not the deciding factor for me. At all. Finding a man with values, morals and integrity will save you a great deal of suffering. Take your time in figuring out of they possess these things. Things are not always what they seem in the early months.

Ultimately, you have to know yourself to know what you want in another. Visualize him too, that helps. Make a list of traits you want in a man. Simply put, I wanted chemistry, emotional/physical and intellectual attraction, and someone who had some money, since I don’t make a lot, and someone who was positive, could make me laugh, and possessed a sensitivity chip. I just sold myself so short all my life. I wanted this now or nothing. And I think I got him after 30 years of hell with men. If the way he hugged and kissed me goodnight tonight was any indication of his feelings towards me. Still got my guard up though, you just never know.

dutchgal1997 · 2019-09-10T15:19:19+00:00

As said before, we can't tell you what you want or not. It's up to you to figure that out. However, don't just download a dating app and have sex with the first man you meet on there- because then you're going to be terribly disappointed. The thing about finding what you want is that it's about YOUR pleasure, not theirs. Make them pay for a nice date, have them put effort in, let them show that they really want you. And then see if you want them too or not. That's what it's all about. Sex is a powerful thing, but men should understand than 1. they can't just get it after DM'ing you a few times and 2. you should be pleasured too.

I found what I want through this method, and now it's easy sailing. I know my type and I know what I like in the bedroom- and outside of it.

Title	How do I know what I want?
Author	kwilliams65537
Upvotes	9
Comments	20
Date	September 10, 2019 12:22 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/d26sby/how_do_i_know_what_i_want/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-know-what-i-want.690621 https://theredarchive.com/post/690621

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