Hi again, long winded history of my 16 week long relationship. Thanks for reading.

question is at the bottom.

Thanks guys!!

follow up to my dating journal and reconnaissance post.

I’ve been seeing this guy for 16 weeks now, he has been totally consistent in how he treats me- always a gentleman, always pays etc (everything that should be standard) but also consistent in the things that make a man HV for me- he values my opinion, his friend’s wives adore him and think highly of him, I’ve met his coworkers and their wives and everyone is consistent in their appraisal of him. His history, stories he tells, self reported qualities all check out so far, he speaks highly of me to others when I’m not around, etc etc. I have observed that he takes care of his health, is a good friend, treats his mother and sisters well, is well respected and established in his job (very well paid, long term employment) he shows critical thinking skills and self control, is very perceptive and observant, has a growth mindset and has pursued self improving. He is emotionally intelligent but recently revealed that he had to actively pursue that, he wasn’t taught, so he read books and started therapy and his life is better now that he can have good connections with people. And so on.

Most importantly, I’ve NEVER wondered where I stand with him, have never felt insecure or unsure, there is no anxiety, just security and reliability.

We finally slept together a few weeks ago and it was great, he is intuitive and attentive and didn’t treat me any differently since. The quality of the dates has stayed high with no prompting. If anything, he is more attentive, loving etc.

I was scheduled to meet his family this weekend but his friend’s dad died and he asked if I would go with him to the memorial in his hometown in Oklahoma. He bought the tickets and made all the arrangements and monday is a holiday so I agreed. Mainly so I could see him with his oldest friends. Turns out, OKC is much tougher than i imagined. Or I am very sheltered.

QUESTION- if someone used to smoke, drink heavily, get in trouble with the law (DUI, pot, fighting) and hangs with a very tough crowd should this be a deal breaker? I have never done these things and have never hung with a crowd that did. I am admittedly very sheltered, mostly by my own choosing and have always been a high achiever and “good kid” so I don’t know what to think about my bfs friends and past.

A few points for discussion:

1- Turns out he used to smoke, for years, which is a hard deal breaker. No one I knew growing up smoked, I’ve never been around it and it’s never been socially acceptable in my crowd. He doesn’t smoke now and says he never will again. Everyone in his hometown chain smokes constantly still, his parents used to smoke etc so I get that you do what you know and he quit after leaving town, gets regular check ups and takes care of his health now. Also, I got him drunk (purposely 😈) and everyone was smoking around him and he didn’t bum a cig at any point. Even I have snakes a bit when my friends were all smoking but that was in my 20s, he was still smoking in his 30s. I kind of think less of him now?

2- He’s been arrested a few times in his late teens and early 29s for pot, fights, underage drinking etc. his friends all have DUIs but he doesn’t so I guess that’s good. He flunked out of high school and finished at continuation schools. Again, rough town, not a lot of opportunities etc so I get it but he pursued an education and Has a great job and is very skilled at it. He is very smart in the ways that are hard to learn and I’m impressed at the technical nature of his work and how skilled he is. He has interesting hobbies as well. I don’t think he is a drop out anymore but want to be aware. I have a college degree but work a blue collar job, he doesn’t and works a white collar job. He makes way more money, we are both homeowners.

3- his friends seem likely genuinely good people doing their best in a small shitty town so I don’t want to look down on them, most are good parents and good people but they are not the kind of crowd I would have ever associated with (hard drugs, prison sentences, kids takes away bc drugs etc) also, all of them drove home drunk at the end of the night. I have cut friends off for that kind of stuff. Frankly, I don’t have a big group of friends bc I’m very choosy about who I associate with. I think I just want to wait to know him longer and keep an eye on any low class tendencies. Or, worse yet, insecurity about his low class back ground.

Good points:

  • female and male friends all think very highly of him and are protective of him. No, he didn’t sleep with any female friends. He was the reliable one in the group and got picked on a bit bc if it but they were all so genuinely happy to see him.

  • the wife of the deceased (his friends mom) was SO happy to see him and interested in meeting me and talked about what a lovely boy he was and how they were always happy to have him in their home/growing up w his sons

  • he got pretty drunk, but only after I encouraged him. I stayed sober. He is the same person drunk - loving respectful affectionate. He was loudly bragging about how great I was and singing love song to me. Drunkenly slurred that he wanted a long living marriage with me like the deceased had and so forth. He stayed by my side and remained attentive even drunk, making sure I was comfortable and getting along with everyone.

  • his female friends/wives of his friends were telling me how great he was and trying to sell me on him at first. But as they got progressively drunker that got a bit “scary” and wanted to know just exactly who I was and was I serious about him. I was told he moved slow and was boring (a good thing if they think he’s boring, I like boring) but he is a serious guy who doesn’t bring girls around and I better be serious too bc he deserves someone good and they will kick my ass if I hurt him etc. I found it encouraging that they cared so much about him but wondered how many of them he had slept with etc/maybe there was some possessiveness there? As best as I can tell, he truly just has good platonic female friends and that he becomes good friends with his friends SOs in their own right. I know it’s rare but I believe he sees women as actual people worth knowing which is the most HV thing I could hope for if it’s true. Time will tell.

  • I saw that he is really great at the “emotional labor” of keeping in touch with people. He regularly checks in with the wife of a friend who died several years ago and people were asking him how she was (like he was the only one keeping up with her and they knew he was?) It seems like he is the glue holding the group together- texting friends on a “regular rotation” (his words) every few months. Make and female friend. He asked questions that showed me he knew who their kids were and what they were up to and what was going on in their lives. Male and female friends. People seemed to rely on him for support and friendship and they appreciate it.

  • he did recognize that I was out of my element and thanked me profusely in the plane ride home, he was worried they were too rough for me and was grateful that I tried to “hang” I got along fine with everyone and had a good time. He really seems like a great guy and potential HVM, he has come a long way from how he grew up and they haven’t. He showed me he can grow himself out of that mindset (all in their 40s smoking and driving drunk?!? Petty fights and gossip still?! Etc) a few of his friends have moved away and make food money but haven’t done the emotional growth he has, he notices that and can talk about it openly with me without judging them. I respect that.

TL;DR I learned mostly good things on this trip that reinforce what I have seen in the last few months getting to know

The smoking is my biggest issue bc that was only a few years ago and he smoked for decades. His friends and coworkers all smoked, but that’s no excuse for still smoking in your late 30s if you ask me. Also, he gave the impression that he had never smoked when we started dating. He didn’t lie, he did exactly what I did by not telling him details of my past abusive relationships and sexual history. So I kind of don’t blame him? When I asked him he was honest and not defensive....

Thoughts?