I’m 29 and for most of my life I have been with very LVM. Some that had big legal issues or were in relationships they didn’t tell me about. The worst was I was engaged all of my mid twenties and kept pushing the wedding off because I wanted him to “change” before we got married.

We had an issue where he would follow and interact with porngirls via twitter. He always told me I was being paranoid and that it was just the internet. But the end of our relationship I had moved cross country with him, was supporting both of us because he refused to do anything other than be a waiter and would not even take a job at a better restaurant I got him connected with. One day I look at his twitter and he was filming porn. I know this sounds like a bad joke but it is true. I felt sick, it was a really dark time for me. He had been doing dangerous things to begin with, a few times jokingly pointing his gun with the safety off at me. I had no worth in myself and when I did try to stand up to him once he punched me in the stomach because he said I was emotionally abusive. He used his deceased father’s legal connections as a way to threat and scare me into not going back home.

Questioned my worth in life and as a person. I snapped out of it, called my parents and my dad was supportive enough to fly cross country and drive home with me.

It took me along time to process what I let myself go through. It didn’t help that most people around me were saying things like “how did you not know?” Even a few saying that I should have been more openminded. Ignoring the fact he went very out of his way to lie and manipulate me and keep me there as long as possible.

It took me about a year and half before I went on a date. He was very nice and we saw each other for a while but it never got serious as we didn’t have the same future plans. So I didn’t have to worry about intense feelings or really letting him into my life, he would take my nice places and he never came to my house because I didn’t want him to.

Now for the past 7 months or so I have been seeing someone I went to high school with. He is a very good person, educated and extremely respectful to me and my boundaries. Has a good job and goals. Stays in touch with one of our teachers who had a big impact on him, even went to visit him in the hospital when the teacher got sick. I’m not used to men displaying this much empathy. He seems to be a HVM. Even when we got intimate for the first time I suggested something pickmeish to do with bdsm because tbh I just thought I was what all men want, and he stopped what we were doing and said he has no desire to hurt me or do anything painful to me like that.

My issue now is I’m having a hard time accepting someone could be nice to me. I’m terrified to let a man in my house. I want him to be in my life and I want to open up a little bit it feels impossible. All the bad things my ex did was right in my own home.

How do I overcome this? I am nervous about therapy just because so many people seem to be so sex positive they don’t really grasp how bad what he did to me was.

Just typing this makes me feel a little better.