Men are an option

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-03-08T19:57:58+00:00

She's 100% not wrong, but this still kind of breaks my heart.

One of the mistakes a lot of us make when we work with abuse victims is exactly what this judge is doing: we ask them to substitute our control in place of their abuser's control.

Instead what we should be doing is guiding them to get back in touch with their own selves, their own instincts, their own innate acts of resistance and rebellion. Because *she* actually does know her abuser, so her instincts as to his reactions and her own risk are more accurate than mine or yours.

This poor woman probably gets yelled at and ordered around at home. And now it's being done to her again, but in public, on television, for the world to watch.

Most women leaving these environments benefit from having space to recovery their sense of dignity - something their abuser doesn't allow them to have. Loudly lecturing her in public is the opposite of that, despite the quality of the advice being given. She's been degraded at home and now it's happening here.

I wish she'd been encouraged instead to:

remember that no one gets to tell her what she's thinking or feeling internally; only she truly knows that. And this is the first connection with our selves that abusers target.
Ask herself: what makes me happy? Do it a few times a day. Not what makes your children happy or the abuser happy, but YOU. Get used to referencing your own happiness often and valuing it - as much as you safely can - at a level equal to the happiness of those around you.
People love you - name those people to yourself at least once a day. Let them take up some space in your brain, for a change, as you've likely given all that space to the abuser. And if you're so isolated that there are no people, let's look to living things that have entered your life and not done you harm. Maybe its the silly squirrel that you enjoyed watching as you get to the mail daily. Maybe it's the little spider that built a small web in the corner of your closet and just quietly lives alongside you, grabbing the occasional mosquito. (we meet some very isolated women.) Maybe it's a small plant that's popped up outside your window and brings a little beauty to your day without asking anything of you. There are forms of life that you can bond to without costing yourself happiness or safety - find them, meditate on them.
You are good at stuff. It may be big external stuff, like speaking seven languages or launching new companies. it may be small internal stuff, like surviving mean words, or always noticing when someone's outfit is carefully color coordinated. There's something positive about you, and you need to consider it daily also.

Once we hold a woman up as she walks the path to rebuild her inner world, she often can plan and safely execute an escape that's far less disastrous than our flashy, angry, justice-demanding outside voices push for. It just can take a bit longer than we'd like. (I highly recommend the books of one of the best DV experts out there, Don Hennessey, for more details on how to work with the population and/or rebuild one's inner world if you've been caught in this type of situation.)

The lack of dignity granted this woman here and her blank, shattered expression is so painful to watch.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-03-08T14:44:43+00:00

Preach!! And anyone who insists on defining you through a man is someone whose opinion is worthless.

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-03-08T18:23:04+00:00

YESS. Society has made girls and women believe that they need a man to define them. So first we need to get rid of all that conditioning and recognize we are already whole as we are.

pozerdm · 2022-03-08T14:42:35+00:00

Love it.

It is better being alone and happy than being miserable with a partner.

It is better to cook for yourself and have it be appreciated. Plan your own times to go out and never be disappointed by lack of effort. Not to share chores and know there’s no one you have to clean up after or remind to do basic chores.

Quite frankly, I’ve been enjoying being abstinent after years of coercion and feeling like sex was an obligation.

Being alone is underrated anywhere but on this sub. And I think that’s why it gets so much hate (besides the obvious misogyny)

Men hate seeing women being happy alone because they realize it’s not just other men they’re competing with—it’s our own self worth.

It’s easy enough for a man to point to another man, say “well at least I don’t beat you, or call you names, or at least I have a job” and call it a day.

But when we expect them to meet the standards we hold ourselves to, LVM know they don’t have a chance in hell.

YemayaMoon · 2022-03-08T16:36:37+00:00

Yes this is very true and is something I am working on. I think it definitely stems from a lack of self work and confidence. I personally think you should wait to date until you feel confident in who you are and are comfortable being alone. I feel like it is engrained in women to seek male validation and fear being alone.

Title	Men are an option
Author	AphoticEnigma_
Upvotes	186
Comments	6
Date	March 8, 2022 2:22 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t9huxc/men_are_an_option/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-are-an-option.1106144 https://theredarchive.com/post/1106144

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