Need advice on my hvm

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-03-24T00:27:41+00:00

I know that he needs the money for other priorities in his life right now and i want this relationship to be as healthy and independent as it can be.

One of my biggest fears is becoming the partner in the relationship who nags or complains about their partners effort or lack thereof.

The caricature of the dependent, clingy woman who nags all the time was is perpetuated by LVM and pick-mes to silence women and stop them from voicing their needs and setting and enforcing expectations. Don't fall for it. You don't have to dump him, but for the love of god don't fall for the emotionally avoidant variant of the 'independent girlboss' - just as paying for your own shit constantly isn't a virtue, neither is trying to force yourself to meet all your emotional needs on your own.

Platipus6 · 2022-03-24T00:09:08+00:00

He's already proving you're not a priority. His job, his money, and the things he's decided he wants to buy are more important.

And he's willing to lie to you to 'keep the peace' aka keep the pussy.

Fiebre · 2022-03-24T00:10:58+00:00

Every single post I've ever seen that has the structure "he's a good kind supportive generous man (1-2 sentences of mostly adjectives) BUT (a long paragraph on precise situations that show how he's exactly none of the abovementioned adjectives)" is about a man who doesn't deserve the woman writing the post.

And the OP in such posts is either brainwashed by him/society or is wildly trying to brainwash herself.

elainejay82 · 2022-03-24T00:49:12+00:00

It's fine that he is prioritizing the need for a car, what's not fine is he let you go on thinking everything was fine and the race was on when it wasn't. Wtf is that about? You two are so close and he couldn't let you in on what was going on?

I just dumped a dude for not keeping plans he made with me months ago. When I revoiced the plans he made, he shrugged it off as if it just wasn't going to happen now. Well okey dokey, sir, but now my plan is to dump you.

It showed me I wasn't a priority enough to even voice the change in plans. I guess I was just supposed to figure it out? That showed me that bigger things down the line that I had my heart set on could change at the drop of a hat and he wouldn't even let me know. That's too much instability in my life with a partner and it sounds like hell in the future. No thanks.
I was really looking forward to the plans HE made. I had to swallow the disappointment I felt, alone. It was a big thing to me and it would have made my whole year if they came to fruition.

So, ya know. Just no. You're only 8 months in. Too soon to be letting you down so hard and you know it's going to get worse, probably pretty rapidly if he's doing this so early on. You can do better without him, go to all the races you want, meet more people to go to said races. You don't have to be this disappointed so soon on something that meant a lot to you. You can have the life you want if you dump the scrote. Probably can find a dude who will make a big deal about your races if they are important to you. Imagine that?

Pahapan · 2022-03-24T01:32:14+00:00

The information that he's working two jobs to buy a new car because the one he has is falling apart isn't relevant, tbh. People who work multiple jobs can still feasibly request off and be granted the request. He didn't even bother to request off. If he'd wanted to, he would have. No one forced him to say he'd do the 5k with you. He let you sign him up for it and find a place to stay and then allowed weeks to elapse without telling you he hadn't requested off. This is LVM behavior. If he hadn't agreed to go, you could have possibly found someone else to go with or could have been mentally preparing/psyching yourself up to do it solo. Now your plans are spoiled. Did you request off work for this, and now it's for nothing?

You've labeled him a HVM prematurely. This is why FDS advises to continually vet. It's incredibly common for LVM to drop the level of effort they're putting in once the relationship has "settled in". He feels that he's comfortably secured you, so now he doesn't need to bother with "small" details like being a man of his word. LVM are usually big on future faking. It's virtually effortless for a man to make these kinds of plans/promises, which earn him brownie points upfront, and then have something "come up" that prevents him from following through, like being scheduled to work when he didn't even request off. What a shocking turn of events! Who could have possibly foreseen that he'd get scheduled to work (when he conveniently didn't request off)? Drats!

You say you plan on talking to him about this, but that is not a course of action that FDS would suggest. Talking about this sort of thing with a LVM is pointless. He's not going to change, they never do. They might put on a show of changing for a few weeks or months but eventually you'll be right back where you started, having wasted more of your life. One of the biggest obstacles in finding an actual HVM is being unavailable because you're faffing around with a LVM. If this guy were a HVM, you wouldn't have to explain to him why it was unacceptable for him to say he'd do this with you, only to not request off work to accommodate it. You mentioned that this isn't the first time he's done something like this. This is the type of person he is. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Let's revisit your description of him. You say he's consistent. Consistent at what, letting you down? He's paid for nearly every date up to this point, but that alone is not indicative of a HVM. Plenty of LVM will pay if it means securing the woman they want. You say he constantly expresses how much you mean to him but something you need to be aware of is that TALK IS CHEAP. You say you truly believe he is honest about how he feels, but something you need to be cognizant of is that you can never actually be certain how another human being feels. The closest you can get to certainty is when someone's words and actions align and this guy's aren't. He SAYS he cares about you but then has repeatedly shown with his actions that he doesn't. A man who actually cares wouldn't fail to plan ahead or make excuses to get out of doing things with you, he'd enthusiastically do things with you. How is this guy the "kindest most compassionate person ever" when he's shit on your plans like this more than once? The math isn't mathing.

Don't get caught up in a sunk cost fallacy. Eight months is a good chunk of time and you've invested in this relationship so you're naturally hesitant to toss it all aside. But if you're going to employ FDS, you need to date ruthlessly and strategically. The moment a man reveals himself as LV, you move on. You can't change him. You see the writing on the wall, how in this relationship you're going to end up a "nagger" and/or the woman constantly disappointed by his lack of effort. You need to decide if that's the fate you're going to resign yourself to or not, because nothing about this man is going to change. The only control you have here is whether or not you'll stay with him.

CusterHadItComing · 2022-03-24T00:24:55+00:00

Sis, I think you already know what to do. This man is going to put in less and less effort, telling you what you want to hear just to avoid telling you the truth, but he’s going to sneak it in so slowly that you’ll find yourself wondering what happened to your “HVM” in another 8 months.

Title	Need advice on my hvm
Author	funky_worms
Upvotes	7
Comments	8
Date	March 23, 2022 11:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tlmde3/need_advice_on_my_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-advice-on-my-hvm.1107849 https://theredarchive.com/post/1107849

Comments