Need support

Rockymemorylane · 2020-03-08T07:24:05+00:00

In hindsight you will realize that you made a good decision. People don't often realize how bad their situation is until they get out. And by realizing, I don't mean you will realize immediately. This will take time. It could take a week, a month, and maybe a whole year even to really look at your past relationship objectively and not with a blind eye because of the love you have for someone.

To stop regretting the decision of cutting him off, you need to occupy yourself: •Pick up a hobby. •Read that book you've been meaning to read. •Take a walk. •Go the gym. •Bake. •Buy a cookbook and randomly select a recipe and cook it up! •search up events near you •visit it a friend - anything that will keep you too occupied to think about him. - Go on Pinterest (it's fucking amazing and fun)

Another thing that helps is journaling. Write down your thoughts. Date them so you can see your progress •How do I feel? •Why do you I feel this way? •what were the cons? What were the pros? Do the cons outweigh the pros? •is my loneliness/singleness worth it or a toxic relationship is? •what do I want in life? •what kind of people do I want to attract? •what are important qualities I look for in a man/people? •reflect a whole lot.

Time. Cliché. But clichés are clichés because they hold truth.

Another thing, don't try to enter new relationships. Give yourself time to heal. Time to process what works and what doesn't.

...read a lot of quotes too. It really reminds me that I'm not delusional nor ruthless for wanting the bare minimum. It helps me realize that i'm not the only one seeing "it" (abuse).

And may you live peacefully ever after.

MelatoninNightmares · 2020-03-08T07:57:21+00:00

Sister, I am so proud of you. It sounds like you're going through a lot, and you've already been through a lot - a stalker, a gay ex-husband, the stresses of coparenting? And then this asshole just makes it so much worse.

I think it would be good to review some FDS concepts here, since I'm not sure how new you are to the sub:

One: A man must be ADDING to your life. Neutral isn't good enough. And if he's actively making your life worse, it's time to go. In an old post to someone going through a similar situation (having a hard time permanently leaving a toxic LVM), I said this:

What is he bringing to your life? What is he adding? Are you having fun? Are you happy? Does he make your life better in any way? Because it doesn't sound like it.

It sounds like a heroin addiction. Once you're really addicted to heroin, you stop getting high from it. You just need the heroin to stop from getting dope sick. It's not adding any joy, it's just preventing pain.

A lover is supposed to make you happy, not just prevent the pain of loneliness.

I think you could benefit from that same advice.

Two: No second chances. This asshole just blew the second chance he should never have gotten. No third chances. You gave him the opportunity to show you that he had changed, that he was different. And he showed you that he has not changed. When people tell you who they are, believe them. He just told you who he was.

Three: You come first. FDS is ruthless, but it's about keeping you safe and making sure you get what you want and need out of life. That means that you make decisions based on what is best for you. This man is not what is best for you. If you need some extra motivation to remember that you come first, remember that you also have a son. Is this the kind of man you want as a role model for your son? Can you be the best possible mother while you're dealing with this asshole's bullshit? Coparenting is hard enough - do you really want to have to juggle this asshole's jealous bullshit on top of it? Don't you think that might affect your son? This man obviously doesn't respect you - do you think he respects your child? If you don't have the strength or confidence to do this for yourself, do it for your son. Do it for you, so that you can be the best mother to him.

You did the right thing here. You did what you should have done a long time ago. Remember that. Here's how to remember that if he comes back around:

Apologies are just words. Words are worthless. Only actions matter. And his actions have proven that he doesn't respect you.

Refer back to this post if he starts making you question how things actually happened. You wrote this post, in detail, immediately after it happened. It's accurate. It went down how you wrote it, and these were your feelings. These feelings were valid.

HE WAS IN THE WRONG. He was the asshole here. His jealousy is completely irrational. You are coparenting with your ex husband, which means you're going to have to talk to him on a regular basis. This jackass can't handle that. That is HIS problem. It is not your problem.

He is not supportive and obviously does not care about your safety. You have a stalker. That is an incredibly dangerous, stressful situation. A good man would be okay with literally anything you had to do to stay safe. A good man would try to protect you. This man made it all about him and his feelings, and did not give a shit about the fact that your stalker is trying to contact you, which means you could be in danger. Your ex husband did the right thing by telling you. Your ex husband was trying to keep you safe. Remember that - a man you are no longer married to cared more about your safety than your current partner.

And if you start thinking about taking him back? Consider what that means in the long term. Do you think you're going to get a "happily ever after" with this guy? Really? Of course you're not. You're just going to be doing this again, and all of this pain will have been for nothing. It's going to suck for a little while, but the total amount of suck will be a lot lower if you stick to your guns.

You can do this. I believe in you. It's going to be hard, but it will all be worth it in the end.

myousername · 2020-03-08T07:45:41+00:00

I'll start with what you did well: 1) blocking and deleting him, definitely keep up with that, 2) taking the high road and giving him his stuff back immediately. He probably left his wallet on purpose to have an excuse to contact you, but he made a big show of leaving and only taking some of his stuff to try and make you feel bad, fear him leaving, fear loneliness, beg for his forgiveness, and submit to him. He probably threw his stuff because you didn't play into his hand like he wanted. So, 3) good on you for refusing to fall for that manipulative tactic and cutting him off completely.

Now, please don't take this the wrong way, what I am about to say is intended as constructive feedback because I genuinely want to help:

Girl. There are so many red flags in your post. Your life sounds like it has a lot of issues, like layers and layers of issues. The good news is that it's not a complete disaster, there is still hope. A lot of the factors making you unhappy are under your control, which is good because that means you can do something about it.

To me, the thing that just jumped off the screen in your post is LONELINESS. It sounds like isolation is the trigger that causes you to reach out to men who are bad for you. A lot of women become overly attached, desperate, clingy, and codependent on men when they have no other friends, which makes it hard to permanently leave the guy even if he is being shitty, because to break up with him is to lose most of your social support network.

The key takeaway here is that you need to develop your non-romantic social support network. That means NO MEN. Most male friends just want sex anyways, and they will end the friendship if you reject them. If their friendship is contingent on receiving sexual favors from you, then he is not a real friend.

I will admit that making new friends is easier said than done. It's hard, like really really hard. But, it's TOTALLY WORTH IT. I've been there too. When I was with my narcissist ex, I had basically no real friends, which made it super hard to break up with him, because I knew I would become totally alone. Since then, I have worked on my mental and physical health, and started doing hobbies where I am meeting high quality people, and adding to my friendship network.

This is going to take a serious, consistent, and conscious effort on your part. We internet strangers can give you all the support and advice you could ask for, but it will mean nothing if you don't actually apply it in real life. It's not easy, but it's totally achievable, and absolutely worth it.

jellyteas · 2020-03-08T07:35:04+00:00

A lot of women, when we are abused or wronged, gaslight ourselves into thinking we overreacted when we had enough. They socially program us to be this way. You did the right thing. Fuck that mediocre scrote. He will never truly fill the loneliness you feel. You deserve someone who loves and respects you.

glittersparklesglitz · 2020-03-08T11:39:38+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Need support
Author	glittersparklesglitz
Upvotes	15
Comments	18
Date	March 8, 2020 6:52 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ff8ya0/need_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-support.680641 https://theredarchive.com/post/680641

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