If you have ever been apartment hunting, you know how landlords vet you. Where I live they all demand credit scores, proof of employment, 3 months deposit and various other information. And all they are risking is that you don't pay rent for a few months or that you wreck the bathroom.

When choosing a partner, you risk so much more. You might be planning to buy a home with them, they get access to your home, they might raise your children, they might get access to a joint bank account, they might one day make the decision whether you will be taken off life support etc. It's a HUGE risk.

So why do we vet our partners so little at the beginning? Less than landlords and employers vet us?

I'm not saying to ask for credit scores or anything. But at least:

  • background check: at least google his name before you meet. At my company a few colleagues fell for a scammer although he is featured in newspaper articles about fraud, because they didn't google him before handing over money.
  • don't fall for your gut feeling: it is established that women are on average bad at identifying rapists at first sight. It was tested by showing women pictures of convicted rapists and non-rapists and noting how many times they could guess correctly. So even if your gut says "this guy looks harmless", you still don't need to let a stranger into your home in the middle of the night.
  • references: if possible talk to his ex girlfriend. You don't need to trust her but she might give you proof of her accusations if there are any
  • confidentiality: don't freaking give your date ammunition against you, such as nudes, secrets, confidential company info etc.

Most importantly: - vet him BEFORE agreeing to a relationship, not after. If you don't have enough information about him you are not ready for a committed relationship.

Correct me if I'm wrong though.