One of the things I think new members or a number of us in general struggle with is self doubt after a breakup. Worries that we could have done more, or done something differently, etc can cause us to ruminate, despite the best of intentions to block, delete, and move on.

Unfortunately, I was in a somewhat lengthy emotionally abusive relationship and I've been out for a few months now, reading FDS to help me move forward. I want to share something I did towards the end of the relationship (with the help of my therapist who I had worked with for about 6 months).

My Ex had a habit of breaking up with me repeatedly over many many minor "issues". It was a very classic hot and cold, push/pull dynamic, a hallmark trait of narcissistic abuse and the cycle of abuse. He would break up with me, I would beg for him back, he would come back, love bomb me again, until something happened for him to again discard me (please look up the cycle of abuse).

When I regained some strength with my therapist, the last time he did this (and without any explanation of what was wrong), I told him I respected his choice to break up, and he was an adult who was allowed to make his own choices, but I was going to take him seriously this time and move forward with my life. A PERFECTLY REASONABLE boundary we can and should all set. I communicated the boundary and the consequence clearly, he still chose to end the relationship, and that was that. I did exactly what I said, and began to move on. For months, he sent me hand written letters to my house, a gift for my birthday, etc. I was not the best in maintaining no contact, I fully admit that, but I refused to re-enter the relationship.

After another few months, he again wanted to try again. Maybe incorrectly, I wanted to as well just to really make sure I left nothing on the table, and if things didn't work out, then so be it. Per another poster's recent advice, I followed her same strategy at the time of insisting we start from the beginning, start dating and courting, and not jump into anything. After I saw this dude again for two dates over the span of two weeks, He was insisting on immediate commitment, and a plan for MARRIAGE. Way too fast in my opinion (we had been engaged before, he called it off multiple times including the final break up - I had bought my dress and returned it literally three times - the saddest thing ever).

I held super firm in my boundary, and said I was happy to date each other, take things slow, rebuild trust; I was VERY CLEAR that he could be in my life as we dated each other and spent time together, that I wasn't kicking him out, but wanted to move slowly as I was still healing - and this guy requested NO CONTACT from me since I was "incapable" of committing to him. Again, what I set was a perfectly reasonable and clear boundary along with a path forward should he have chosen it, and he decided not to abide by that.

Ladies, unsurprisingly to you, I maintained that no contact and didn't text/email/call, absolutely nothing. In the span of a few months, this guy made and deleted some fake Instagram profiles, got a new phone and "accidentally" called me when making sure my contact info transferred over (it's an iPhone, it's automatic dude), and then finally sent me a lengthy apology and hoover attempt at the start of this pandemic. He's continued to text me multiple times since then, despite being the one who originally requested no contact - making the EXACT SAME suggestion i made months ago to take things slowly, try again, etc. But to me, if you request no contact, you're requesting to be out of my life - that breaks any shred of connection we had left. It's still hard, but I'm moving forward day by day, taking solace in the fact that I acted reasonably and with healthy boundaries.

My point is: do not be afraid to set perfectly reasonable boundaries, communicate them clearly, and follow through and maintain them. This applied to both romantic relationships, but also with friends, family members, and work colleagues. If you are thoughtful in this approach, and assured in the boundary you are setting, you get to keep your peace of mind and (hopefully) avoid some rumination when a LVM/ZVM/NVM decides not to respect that. And if they choose not to respect your PERFECTLY REASONABLE boundary, then that's their loss.