I’ve been listening to the ‘Dirty John’ podcast and I’m convinced women who get into abusive relationships and especially those who stay in them are subconsciously aware of the threat of defying them. The woman keeps giving shoddy explanations about getting back with him, saying he is good to her. But having been in an abusive relationship without being treated well, I know I stayed because I thought it would be more dangerous to leave than it would be to stay in the relationship, you hope compliance would spare you more indignity. Most times I am nice to problematic and invasive men is to prevent some extreme persecution from them.

Also the podcast is such a great example of how we raise women to be scared and comply with our abusers. Her mother and the sister (who got murdered) both loved Billy(the sister’s husband) and John. Even after the sister got murdered the mother said that she still loves him because God made her that way. If you see problematic behaviour in your mother be hyper-aware of your own behaviour. Even if you know what’s right for you, take a beat before responding to a situation. Do not resort to politeness, you don’t need to be aggressive but don’t sugar your disinterest. It’s so easy to fall into the loop of pleasing men who neg. Despite knowing what was happening to me was wrong, I went on autopilot and fell back on the trait I had inherited from my mother of not rocking the boat in the hopes of self-preservation.

This is a great lesson for me. In all situations where something is being asked of me, I’ve slowly learnt to step back and take my time in responding. Know that your compliance with manipulators and abusers only fuels their belief that that’s the correct way to conduct themselves. THINK! Connect before indulging him as opposed to after, analyse him ruthlessly. Assholes are assholes for the get-go.