Was not sure how to tag because several of the options fit, so if mods want to change the tag, go ahead! 👍

I had this thought tonight about vulnerability & wanted to share. We have all made the mistake of being vulnerable to feel closer to a man, by talking about past traumas or serious problems. Then he throws it in our face as an excuse to leave, gaslight, abuse or other bad things.

The key with vulnerability around men is SHOW, don’t TELL!

What does this mean:

-Instead of telling him that your family has whatever drama that makes you feel like shit, let him see it. Any man who is serious about you and sticks around will eventually see a situation where your family acts nutty toward you. He will come to his own conclusion about it, without being told by you once it happens, and if he mentions it you can then say “yep, aren’t they?” Then change the subject.

-If you have an ex who was a terrible person but you still have ties to him due to kids or other reasons, once again, let the new guy eventually see what your ex does. No need to confide all your past hurts and traumas to him. He might comment “wow, ex is a piece of work, I can’t stand it” and you can just say “mmhmm” or some other equally short response.

-If you’re having upsetting issues at work, when talking about it, frame it as professional problem solving instead of venting unhappiness. If it is a consistent, recurring discussion about what you’re trying to do to improve your work environment or find a new job he will get the picture on his own that you’re looking to move on and don’t enjoy this current spot in your career but you’ve never explicitly told him that.

The best part: if you SHOW instead of TELL, if he then tries to manipulate, he doesn’t have much to use because you never really gave him ammo. He can talk shit about what he saw if he’s going to be asshole, but then you have the trump card of “OK, I respect your opinion” because without having confided in him for the illusion of closeness, all he has an interpretation of what he’s SEEN that could’ve been terrible drama or traumatic for you. But you’ve never revealed your feelings about the trauma yourself so he can’t throw it in your face. Obviously if he does this from what he’s SEEN you should prob walk away, because he’d definitely gaslight or worse if you TOLD.

This doesn’t mean you can’t ever be honest about difficult situations, but work with a therapist as either your primary person to help you with situations so that you don’t need vulnerability to feel close to your partner, OR your therapist can help you reach a good balance of honesty vs. over sharing with your partner.

I have not used this tactic yet but in my next relationship I definitely will be. I was thinking how with my most recent ex, I probably overshared about trauma and he turned it on me.

Make sense? Good! Now go forth and be a queen! 👑👑👑