Basically the same shit-test over and over. I need to be able to respond to this without being an asshole, because let's face it, you can be super alpha and get laid every day, but that doesn't mean you can build a happy marriage.

barzerobar · 2014-08-25T21:06:48+00:00

Still working out the kinks of my wife's bossy shit tests, but here is how I've handled the situations you've laid out. Hope it helps.

-Comply with the order, but issue a counter-order. If she gets bossy, I start issuing commands back at her, but don't directly refuse to do what she asked me to. "Can you take out the trash?" "Sure, do you mind working on the dishes while I'm out?"

I, personally, don't do this. It becomes a tit-for-tat negotiation and it doesn't garner the respect of my time. I opt to use the "do it later" since it will be on my time and on my terms, but still meeting her need of getting it done. However, if pressed, this is how I would handle it.

ME: "I'll do it later."

HER: "Why can't you do it now? It's gross."

ME: "I have other things to do. I'll deal with this later. I understand you need it done and if you need it done now, you can do it yourself."

Not to say I employ this route ALL the time, but most of the time works for me.

-I directly refuse to do what she asks me to. This usually goes over poorly. She gets irritated, because she probably didn't ask me to do anything ridiculously inconvenient, just something really quick and simple that she could have done just as easily herself.

I command respect and flat out refuse if she's acting like a cunt. Even after she apologizes, I don't do it so as to not reinforce the shit/remorse/apology behavior pattern (common in our marriage). I treat her like a child about it and let her know she'll have another opportunity to "try again next time." (I use this on my son all the time). This is especially true for trivial, ridiculously inconvenient things she can do it herself, bossy shit tests. Her time is NOT more valuable than yours.

-I say I'll do it later (and then do it later). This seems to be an okay compromise between standard alpha and beta response since I'm not immediately complying, giving the impression that I'm not just dying to do the bidding of her slightest whim, but it's also alot less likely to start a fight (hold your frame or not, fights suck).

While I do this thing as described above, the key main difference for me is to engage, not avoid, a confrontation. Do not be afraid to fight and stand your ground. It's an opportunity to stoically maintain frame and assert myself. That I am doing HER a favor and my time and effort are not an entitlement. I'm not a slave and neither or you.

I do it. Sometimes the first command she gives me is followed by more, and at some points I stop and say, "You know, I'm not your slave. I'm your husband, you're being bossy, and you need to stop." Obviously this strategy requires a string of tests, so if she only gives you one or two, you failed.

I command respect, but say as little as possible. Stop it at the first sign of rudeness or disrespect. Especially if she's being a bossy cunt. GoT reference. "Any man who must say, 'I am the king' is no true king." I, personally, don't remind her I am husband. I show her I am her husband and I am not to be trampled on or bossed around like help.

i.e.

"Don't talk to me that way" and dismiss.

"No reason for me to do it when you're being rude and disrespectful."

"No. You're not being kind and I'm not listening."

If you take anything away, take this:

Your time is your absolute most precious commodity and not to be wasted on the ungrateful.

[deleted] · 2014-08-26T03:28:36+00:00

[permanently deleted]

UEMcGill · 2014-08-26T01:26:23+00:00

This isn't a shit test. This is just your wife just being a bitch. Never reward bad behavior. NEVER.

If she orders you to do something, look at her blankly and walk awAy. ZERO engagement. Then when she comes after you tell her "I will not be talked to like that". Just like a teenager you have to be firm and consistent.

My wife can ask me what to do. But she can go fuck herself if she orders me.

ToddSD · 2014-09-14T06:24:59+00:00

I used to deal with this too. Not anymore. I realized she was treating me like a minion, asking me to do shit for her constantly that she was just too lazy to do, while it was never asking her to do anything. No more. I explained to her just what I wrote above, and started saying no to things that were driven by her laziness. Sure I'll pick up the dry cleaning while I'm running errands. Of course I'll help put the kids to bed, and other mutual family stuff. But I just say no to laziness driven requests. Fuck it, you do it.

Outcome a year later: requests have ended, and she likes me MUCH more. And blowjobs are now 2-3 times a week, thanks to RP.

MetacognitiveMan · 2014-08-25T20:55:02+00:00

You'll probably get more/better responses over at /r/TheRedPill.

When it comes to my wife being bossy to me (she usually uses an asking tone, not commands), the way I react depends on the circumstances.

If it is something she could just as easily do herself and I'd have to go out of my way to do it, I just say, "No." Sometimes, I'll tease her by calling her lazy jokingly or make fun of her timing.

If it is something I could easily do, I'll just do it, expecting noting in return. May also joke about her being lazy, etc.

If it is important, like having to do with our kids, I assume I am doing it and don't give a fuck if I do or don't as long as it gets done.

Now when she commands something of me, I either ignore her or say, "No" and hold frame. It is very important to set boundaries and enforce them. If she throws emotion at you, you reflect the emotion like a mirror (you can even verbally recognize it) but don't absorb or take on it.

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