DivorcedRedPill? Need help accepting and dealing with what feels like a powerless situation.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-03-01T04:32:38+00:00

I was a legal investigator for more than 10 years and was involved in many, many divorce cases. Your story is nothing new I am sorry to say. Let me tell you what I would tell the clients.

Sorry, but you married her. You fucked up and now we have to deal with it....but let us deal with it. Don't sit at home thinking about this case in the shower and how you can get the better of your ex wife.

Be honest: All these distractions are not that time consuming. I worked for lawyers who handled 10-15 divorce hearings a week. They are only all day affairs if you let them get to you (cuz then you have to go to the bar and get hammered- and yes, some lawyers have a heart).

You got divorced, ultimately because you could not handle your wife's emotions. You are destroying your entire post divorce life by your inability to handle her emotions. At this point, her emotions should mean almost nothing to you.

Accept that you are practically powerless because you were married and now the courts control every detail of your children's lives. It is awful, but then I think of the half dozen wrongfully convicted dudes I interviewed, one of them served 9 years in prison on a bogus rape charge.

TLDR: The system sucks. That doesn't mean you have to ruin your life. Be happy with your girl and in the time with your kids. Whenever I feel like your post, I go back and read the Book of Ecclesiastes.

jacktenofhearts · 2015-03-01T00:16:24+00:00

You said you've seen therapist, so I would have imagined you would discussed some coping mechanisms. Conventional wisdom here is that you can't control other people's actions, you can only control how you react to them. You were dealt some shitty cards in your hand, and then made some decisions where you traded some shitty cards and ended up with others. You can't go back in the past. You can't make the deal just magically give you better cards. You can't take back your decision to accept some new bad cards (e.g. Legally agreeing to the diet restrictions). Also you can do is put yourself in the best position possible to play the cards you do have. These are things you need to come to terms with. If you think you need to see a professional, this is what you need to talk to them about.

I see your situation as almost having a chronic illness. Imagine you had some sort of kidney disease, which you thought you could manage, but it progressed to something worse and you also exacerbated it with some poor diet and health choices. Doctors are still confident you can lead a fulfilling lifestyle, but that requires moving forward and youre still sort of stuck in a "I never thought it would be this bad" mentality.

Your situation sounds largely like two steps forward, one step back. You now have 50% custody, but now you're legally bound to food restrictions you think are stupid. You got a mediator for disputes, but apparently that sucks, but now you're getting a new one. It's easy to dwell on thoughts like, "jesus, can't everything just fucking work out and be stable for ONCE?" But dude, this is life. Two steps forward and one step backward is how most of us make progress. The key is PROGRESS. You've likely been conditioned to dread the inevitable step back. And that step back does suck. But you have to figure out some way to get perspective on how you're moving forward. Because otherwise you'll just end up anxious and vomiting self-pity like you are now.

Some specific advice - take the long view. I do this with my kids. Not everything about their childhood was ideal. But I'd like to think our lives will overlap for more than the 18 years they are in my household. So they're eating really weird food now. Is it causing health or growth problems? It sounds like you really don't like your ex's parenting style. Again, nothing you can do about what she does, all you can do is raise them to be the best people they can be. For most of your time together with them, they will be old enough to have their own agency. Things like legal custody and diet restrictions will be irrelevant. Focus on that, and not so much the outcome of every individual court date.

As for your current girlfriend, it sounds like she likes you a lot, you know you aren't very considerate sometimes, and you see her hurt by that but also think she won't ever leave you. My suggestion is, own that situation. If you want to be in a committed LTR, own it. If you don't, end it. But right now it sounds pike you're just sort of keeping her around because you like the companionship - when it's convenient to you.

Is she a good person? Is she still good woman? Does she deserve more than what you're giving her? A lot of women aren't, and only you can decide that. But like I said, own it. If you think your distance /anxiety serves some purpose in getting a better outcome for your kids, then break up with her. Otherwise, if you can come to terms that it is what it is, and she's a good woman that has stood by you and gives you what you want physically, emotionally, and as a stepmother - then do what you need to do to salvage things with her.

TL;DR - Find serenity, find acceptance, invest your energies in what you can control and stop letting your self-pity and anxiety make you dwell on what you can't.

NotABibleScholar · 2015-03-01T01:22:27+00:00

I'm not sure how many guys here have actually been divorced. I've not seen many identify themselves. This is why divorce with kids sucks, dudes don't have a clue what you are going through. They say a lot of stupid crap because its RP and clever. Talk is cheap and words are wind. This is why unless there is adultery at play, I try to recommend fixing things if kids are involved.

So, here is what I'm going to tell you. Prepare for the suck. Look at it hard and long in the face, get personally acquainted with it. Its going to be a close friend. If she has placement, she has the advantage. However, you can set boundaries with her. It took me years, read that years.... To get to a decent place with communicating with my ex. I had placement though, and the advantage. The more serious you get with this Ltr, especially marriage will likely cause your ex to stir crap up.

She doesn't have to agree to changing custody times, so you should never plan for that ever outside of a court mediator. Get it out of your head. Now, don't switch for her then either. It will teach her about boundaries, get stuff in writing when or if you do make temporary changes. Don't be a jerk, maybe these food allergies the crap, but give things the benefit of the doubt. Try to work things out. Do not communicate with her about anything other than things related to the kids, custody. Then keep it brief, if you can use e-mail as it let's you keep a log, it also removes tone, and you can respond as you like. I'd be glad to give more advice as needed.

marxistbacon · 2015-03-01T23:12:17+00:00

Similar story here - kids, then divorce, then lots of contact about the kids, then an LTR. Found TRP after a few years after getting divorced. Dealing with the ex has been challenging to say the least. It started out amicably enough, but over the course of the last couple of years I've realized that the "amicable" was really just an excuse to phone me constantly, bitch about random stuff with the kids, waste my time, and try to inflict her control strategy and judgment on me from a distance. It has caused problems with my LTR, in part because of jealousy, but also it made me realize that it woulkd have been a lot healthier for me to set firmer, more limited, boundaries with the ex waay waay back.

I can't explain how it happened, but I just don't give a shit about 99% of the stuff the ex says or does anymore. I'm just weary and tired of it to the point where it's just like a stupid TV sow on in the background - it means nothing to me. I've reverted to a much simpler more direct form of communication - just the facts, ma'am. I started asserting myself more, calling her calmly and firmly on her shit when needed. Sorry, you can't call me up on an hour's notice when I'm out of the city to tell me that I must unconditionally drop everything so that I can give one of the kids a ride to school from her house, which is a ten minute walk from school. She fucking went ballistic on me for six months over me pushing back, but now just quietly seethes at me. It's a little ironic that I still need to apply RP "training" to someone so unromantically involved in my life.

I think that accepting the ex as an uncooperative person is just realizing that you can't change her, that her internal drama isn't yours to worry about. Don't let her rent any more space in your head than is absolutely required to raise your kids.

The bigger thing for you is to make sure this doesn't wreck your view of women going forward, and prevent you from having a decent time with your LTR now. You fucked up by choosing such a wildly inappropriate woman to marry in the first place. Your judgment was terrible. What you have to do is learn why you made that call, and ensure that you go forward using better judgement and better knowledge. There are decent women out there but you need to have your eyes open and know what you need and expect before you will be able to correctly identify them. Stephan Molyneux, of freedomain radio (internet podcasts), has a terrific way of analysing this phenomenon. You should listen to some of his classic call-in shows where her really digs into some peoples motivation for why they are why they are. He's red pill to the max, and a really good armchair psychologist, and fun to listen to.

Good luck man.

KyfhoMyoba · 2015-03-01T23:10:44+00:00

history of mental health issues and being a slut are the main ones.

Do they EVER learn? Do. NOT. Put. Your. Dick. In. Crazy.

Dude. Plate this one, and keep looking.

spexer · 2015-03-03T21:55:50+00:00

You are only powerless if you are a victim. If you have that mentality, then you have already lost.

It is clear in your post that you are not powerless. You say:

I still suffer from covert contracts and have difficulty identifying what I truly want and then speaking up for it.

So here is a behavior you clearly see contributing to your problems, that you have the power to change.

Man up .

Title	DivorcedRedPill? Need help accepting and dealing with what feels like a powerless situation.
Author	thenaughtyninja
Upvotes	5
Comments	24
Date	February 28, 2015 11:34 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2xibyk/divorcedredpill_need_help_accepting_and_dealing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/divorcedredpill-need-help-accepting-and-dealing.202435 https://theredarchive.com/post/202435

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