I have a new mantra. Never argue.

Not in the, don't ever bring up something "we're so amazing we never fight!!!" stupid way.

But in reality, I will never win an argument with my wife. Ever. Because we are not on the same playing field. She is playing water polo, and I am eating wings.

For instance... my wife did the whole, 'I am on my period so now I will bring up whatever has been bugging me the past month' thing she almost always does. This time it was about dishes. Yup! Motherfucking dishes.

I think all of us realize, at a certain point, that no argument is actually about the subject matter. Well, at least, most arguments. My wife said something along the lines of "I really need you to put away your dishes after you make lunch. I am always cleaning up after you!"

I lost frame. It seems simple right? But I was pissed. Really mad.

Why would you get mad about that? It seems so simple?

hah.

Well, after spending an hour cleaning up after dinner that she made, doing all of the dishes... after a long day of work, which started with me getting up to get the kids breakfast, do the breakfast dishes, and get them off to school. Which involved filling and starting the dishwasher. Emptying the dishwasher before I made lunch, and cleaning up my lunch dishes...

And staying up a bit extra to clean up the mess she made making herself a snack. Leaving a cutting board, apple cores, and a knife out all dirty.

I was mad.

It comes down to respect for me. Do you respect me enough to notice ALL the shit I do for the family? Do you respect me enough to realize the extra effort I put in each day to make sure the house runs well, kids are doing great, and my wife has what she needs?

I then got into an argument. My wife is not a yeller. In fact, I wish she did yell, it makes it easier. She is calm and sharp when arguing. Her word is law and she can't be swayed. She is expert level arguer.

Our argument was something like this:

me "I don't think you realize all that I do around here. Don't bring up dishes. I am fine if you want to discuss something I missed, but don't bring up dishes. Because I don't want to get into a comparison game."

her "All i am asking is you pick up your lunch dishes so I don't have to."

Me "Don't bring up dishes."

I got pissy. Lost frame. It went on. Even after me leaving, her last words were something like "Just do the lunch dishes and we won't have a problem"

hah. Logic based arguments are not a woman's strong suit. I told my wife that we get along great as long as we don't talk. Its true. If we start to discuss anything household- it gets back to the age old argument of "You don't do enough".

So now, I work to avoid arguments. Post red pill, our arguments/discussions/whatevers have nearly ceased. This one caught me off guard when I was on edge about something else. I should have seen it coming. For my wife starting her period = getting mad at me about whatever she has been holding back for the past 3-4 weeks. Like clockwork.

So how to argue on red pill? For those new to it, like me, don't argue. Don't get into the comparison game. Women can't do maths. I thought of even doing the spreadsheet thing with chores pre-red pill. But all I saw was my wife saying "So you do all of that, no you don't" and I lose the argument.

I am thinking about how a true red pill relationship argues. Advice?

MY wife brought up something else that was actually legit! One of my jobs is trash. And I just didn't get all the bathroom trash the past two weeks. She brought it up- she was right- so I will get it this week.

But she still brought it up as if the world ended "I got the trash, you never remember, why can't you do it? Don't you love me??" (Over-dramatized for TV purposes).

I wish my wife would just say "Hey fucker, take out the bathroom trash." Or "hey- get your damn lunch dishes!" and when I say "I did get my damn lunch dishes, pick up after yourself you slob." she would say "Shit, I keep forgetting. You got it!". Like normal people.

But arguing is about winning for my wife. It is about control. Respect.

My job as a husband is to live in a such a way that she respects me and sees household chores through a new lens. "My husband is really busy with work, I see that I did not empty the dishwasher this morning when I had nothing to do, so I will do that, clean up his lunch dishes, and thank him for working hard." Instead of "He forgot his lunch dishes! And I have to empty the dishwasher! I do everything around here!"

That difference is hard mode for red pill marriage. We could got arguing school but the problem is not the argument, it is the baseline of respect, admiration, love, whatever other words you want to ill in there.

We argue because I have already lost.

PS I just had major dental work- am on meds- may have rambled- care not.