Over a year ago Horns had a great post, [Your woman is one of your greatest creations](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/c2l5dt/your_woman_is_one_of_your_greatest_creations/). Over time I have observed the similarities between the leadership needs of my wife and my kids.

I often see where people post in their OYS’s about the challenges in the relationships with their kids, wanting to have better connections and more influence. In my journey I’ve noticed some parallels in what I was learning here, the execution of that learning and how it related to improving the relationship with my kids. The more I worked and watched, I realized that my kids are also a reflection of me.

For context, I have four kids ranging from 20 to 12. The oldest, a girl and the rest boys.

I know I can’t control my kid’s outcomes, I can only be in control of myself. With that in mind, part of my mission is to model, lead, and guide my children in line with my worldview. Working on me and then giving them my gift of capable leadership has created better connections. Kids want to respect you, they crave your approval and want your time, attention and leadership. Sound familiar?

Frame and mission.

It all starts with you and the work on yourself. As you progress and begin to live in your own frame, rather than others, you become more consistent and less affected by things outside of your control. You will most likely become a more consistent, capable captain. I think this is the most important thing you can do to improve your relationship with your kids – become a HVM - do the work (you know… ending validation seeking behavior, ending covert contracts, expressing emotions like a man, stop trying to control outcomes…).

Awhile back in my journey, I received a DM that stated, “A blue pilled man lets the world happen to him, a red pilled man happens to the world”. We all know or are learning this and it’s a good framework to have in building connections with the kids. Much of what we all learn here are several ways to “happen to,” instead of reacting to our environment. As I took the time and space to envision the life I wanted, I did the same in how I wanted to “happen to” my kids. Once I did this I could outline clear expectations and boundaries that were congruent with my worldview. These were expectations I had to model in action and reinforce with words. What are your expectations? What are your boundaries? That part is fully up to you, captain.

Outcome independent leadership

Once you have taken the time to figure out how you want to lead your crew and are leading/modeling it in actions, you can lay out your expectations and boundaries. You'll need to enforce them. Your kids are little shit testers. Regardless of age, they will test this framework until they feel safe inside of it. If they do not, it will continue. Again, most kids need and want this from you whether you see it or not. They need consistency and emotional safety from a position of strength. They want to respect you, they want your time and attention, they want to know you are on their side, they want boundaries and they will shit test you endlessly for it. A good mental model would be to view this as a gift.

Respect: One of the best pieces of advice I picked up when it came to kids is to “never let them see you sweat.” In the face of kids breaking boundaries, you have to learn to remain calm and enforce them. If you yell – they win. If you react – they win and they know it and will keep it up until you have established respect and authority – which is what they want. Broken record follow through is my favorite in this part. “I said to…x, I understand, but I said to…x, I heard you, but I said to…x.” The earlier you begin this, the more effective it is. Does all of this sound familiar?

Being on their side: We often hear that the masculine grows by challenge, the feminine grows by praise. I have also observed that children will seek your attention and approval and will grow by praise. Praise helps to guide them to lean into the fear of challenges. I have found this to be true even with my 18 year old son – I just praise him in a more masculine way. Being on their side goes beyond cheering them on in sports, band or other activities and achievements (which could very well be ego driven but that would be a whole different post). For instance, I don’t want my boys getting caught up in watching pornography. Not necessarily for moral reasons, I want to give them every chance to develop a masculine frame and to minimize what can undermine that. So rather than looking to punish them if I find it on their phones, I have clearly laid out my expectations in advance and the reasons why. I reinforce with words, “I’m not looking for ways to get you in trouble, I am telling you this because I am on your side.” If you set up a more punishment based (reactive) style without explanations they will just find ways to work around it and you lose the opportunity to guide.

Time and attention: This one is my favorite. Not only do I pay attention to them when they are sharing their interests with me and encourage them in their own pursuits and passions, I introduce all of my interests to them and spend time teaching. It’s killer time together. My physical outlet and passion is surfing. It’s my thing. Not surprisingly, all three of my boys surf and one has learned to shape his own boards. I love to fish, same with all of my boys. We do these things together constantly. They’ve not taken up everything I do but they have taken up a lot and it is a great way to connect. By the way, my 18 year old son lifts four times a week. He’s shredded. Go figure. We lift together when schedules coincide but we trade notes often. I believe this portion alone on fun, lighthearted time and attention is why they nearly follow my footsteps. That and that I have become more of a HVM. Again, sound familiar?

All in all, in my journey, I have observed that there are clear relational parallels with children and women in the behavior and responses in our action or inaction. They both look for many of the same things. A HVM to follow, a mix of alpha/beta qualities, time and attention and praise... Leadership.

Btw, your wife is looking to you for this leadership too, captain. I have found the more confidently and consistently I lead my kids, the more she follows my leadership. This clears her mental plate to provide value in areas within her strength. This is a side benefit that has been fun and damn satisfying to watch.

Realize that working on you alone will maximize the opportunity for connection with your kids many of you want. Another reason to end the fuckarounditis and get busy.