This is such basic stuff, even for newbies, but when I wrote this I started counting ‘should’ in one week of recent OYS’s and stopped counting at 11. So regardless of how well many of you know this, it still shows up in journaling here. (I would argue that ‘need to’ toes the line on ‘should’. If I counted that, the amount would be ridiculous.)

I was looking through a book a couple of months ago that has been in my house forever, a book on raising boys. I had never read it. Every so often I look through books around my house that I had read in my pre RP life just to see what may be in there counter to the way I operate now – just another way to keep me sharp. I picked it up for this reason and I came across a line deep in the book, “You can’t tell your son what he should become (occupation), but you can tell him who he should become.” There you go, knock a boy off his center, teach him to live life in others frame from the start.

Life is filled with ‘you should’s’ and ‘you shouldn’ts.' School, sports, clubs, church and society are constantly telling you what you should think and do, who you should be and how you should act. Noticing when others say it to you can be a cue for you to take stock of yourself, focus on you, your thoughts and what you want to say or do. Seriously, how many times do you get advice or counsel from your peers, even people you respect, that tell you what you ‘should’ do, think or even feel? It’s even common to find yourself thinking about what you ‘should’ do in various situations based on what internet retards at MRP might think. It’s ok – noticing it is something many men never get to. Try to pay attention to every time it comes out of your own mouth. Pay attention to why you are saying it. Just this alone can bring you a step closer to becoming your own judge of your actions and decisions.

One of the most difficult tasks as you begin/began your journey is trying to answer the question, “What do you want?” No one had ever really asked me that so pointedly and repeatedly as here. My immediate thoughts when asked that were often, “What am I supposed to want – what SHOULD I want?” It was a long process of continual work to get that ’should’ out of my system. I outlined in my most recent OYS that I am meeting with a friend once a week talking out many things that are not working in his life and each week I have been asking him the same thing in several of his challenges – What do you want? At first, it was deer in the headlights and of course, “I don’t know.” This response is a result of nice guy tendencies and a life of living ingrained ‘should’s,’ then hiding or suppressing things about yourself that for one reason or another, you have deemed unacceptable. This, in turn, leads to several facets of personal prison.

A recent OYS by u/theCrimsonLine” had a long list of ‘shoulds’ he came up against and did a great job of noticing the futility of them. Go look it up. I commented that I have nearly eliminated ‘should’ from my vocabulary. Cause and effect are about the only way I use it any more:

If I keep practicing shooting my pistol, I should become a better shot. If I keep up on squats, my back should stay strong for surfing. If I keep up the same habits at work, solid production should follow.

These statements are fine with me because I am taking ownership of the things I can control and gives leeway for outcomes that I can’t control. I still don’t like to hear it from myself though – but, whatever.

u/Tyred_Biggums commented the following on Crimson's OYS…

“Should” is a judgement based on shame. Do or don’t. Almost every time you say “I should have”…a “but I [excuse].” Don’t DEER to yourself. “I should have lifted but I was tired…” “I should have talked to that hot girl but I got scared...” “I should have asked for a raise but they will probably say no...”

Judgements based on shame are weak and it’s an ineffective way to go about taking action. Take the time to make a decision on what you want, either do it or don’t and accept the consequences either way. ‘Should’s’ be damned. If you decide you don’t want to lift and take care of yourself physically – don’t, but you do not get the pass to complain about the results. If you want the raise, ask for it. If you don’t get it, fine. At least you took action on what you wanted to do. Learn from the experience, create options and grow from it. Do or don’t.

Another reason it comes out of your mouth is because you are living in others heads, or their possible perception of you instead of you being your own judge. This can be hard to break because they sound so right…

“I should (or need to) be a good example, a better father, husband, friend, empathizer, employee…” – you name it.

“I should (or need to) work harder, sacrifice more, put others first more, be funnier, be more engaged, drink less…”

“I shouldn’t want to go somewhere by myself or out with my friends, spend time on my interests, want that sexual activity…

Statements like this are frameless, potentially incongruent and invariably have a nice little covert contract attached to it. For a nice guy, recovering nice guy or recovering career beta it looks like: “I should or shouldn’t a.b.c… [covert - so that x.y.z...]” This is why the question “What do you want?” is so important in your own journey because for nice guys the answer to that question so many times is a variation of the same answer, “I don’t know. I should do what makes others around me happy” or “I shouldn’t do what makes others around me unhappy.” (…so I can have a smooth, problem free, happy life...)

Recognize the shoulds, shouldn’ts and need to’s, then work on building YOUR OWN frame based on what you want, rather than what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ want or what others say you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do. For the really early birds – don’t go Rambo on this. Take the silent space to figure it out. It will probably take some time to know what you want, rather than what you think you want.

Forget the Should's, Shouldn'ts, and need to's. Either do or Don't.