Thank you, MRP. Yes, I checked, there's no "Thank You" sub on this side of TRP, so I post here.

Due to truthful aka harsh aka "stop whining pussy" comments to my recents posts I've been able to both STFU, to start getting my stuff done and to give some thought process to my "life 'n sheeit".

TL;DR

I decided I'm heading for divorce. Thanks for helping me to get a reasonable mindset in order to make such decision. If anyone wants to discuss a decision of an anonymous throwaway account user, here are details of my reasoning.

SHE CHEATED

There is a 99.9% chance that she cheated with her ex-bf. They communicated over FB during my betamax days and I easily see her doing that again; I don't trust her; should I continue relationship with her, it would be key loggers, screenshots and GPS tracking and I'm way too busy for that.

My gut feeling is, they have contact now. Why should they stop, they had it for 2 yrs. I don't want to spy her, I've got more important things to do.

They met, more than one time, during mid 2012 - early 2014; their meetings required traveling 2.5 hrs by car so they were planned and with premeditation. Did they fuck? They say they didn't, what else should they say to me? Like it would actually matter in this whole situation. Today she actually cried to me "and I was able to meet with him, go to a few parties with him, talk with him and get drunk dead with him while you were playing a saint at your AA meetings" (to which I replied with a smirk "my god, baby, you never told me you met him more than once!" and generally joked about that BUT each time I hear anything about that part of her past I learn new details and my gut feeling is like "what kind of idiot would I have to be to believe that a bitch who travels for 3 hours gets DRUNK DEAD with an ex-bf and does NOTHING with him").

On the other hand, I have no proof of actual cheating, except her admitting to emotional cheating (which, as I understand, for many of you would be enough).

On the other hand, she managed to stay faithful during my 1.5 yrs of being a total betamax (early 2011 - mid 2012). I actually told her, that I doubt many women would sustain that long and I don't mind her going away. I did NOT told her what I actually mind in this situation, because I don't think that discussion about my butthurt would lead us into any interesting place.

NO RESPECT

Second, I allowed her not to walk over myself, I allowed her to dig me deep in shit. If there is a definition of "negative respect" somewhere in Wikipedia, put my wedding photos there. Seriously, even if I could just be "meh" about that suspected cheating case (he is her ex boyfriend, I did not mind him fucking her before I met her, why would I mind him fucking her now, it's like past only today, right?) - I could just ignore that, I was going betamax by then, she was going AWALT... I could get over this...

What I don't want to get over: I do not want to ignore her disrespect.

I do not see it would be possible to rebuild respect in any other way, than walking away from this relationship. Maybe I'm bullshitting myself and it perfectly possible. Maybe. On the other hand, first divorce case happens in February 2016. I have time for improvement.

So, even if I see my value and I could just ignore that cheating case somehow, I don't see her respecting me EVER, AT ALL.

I spoke with her today, as me actually starting a plan that /u/abdada once suggested to me got her into much dread (getting rid of superfluous stuff in my life, electronics, getting ready for moving). I comforted her. I don't really care about manipulating her into anything. I'm not interested in she seeing me as an attractive male. Told her, that I'm going to support kids financially, that I'm going to help her with them and with housing if there are any needs; I was actually calm, cool, I joked, I was a person that I would like to be with.

... and she kept being unstable from time to time, she actually told me in anger, in front of my 6-year old son today that I have a small dick. Funny thing is, what he understood is that mommy is calling dad A small dick. I laughed, he laughed, whatever. But honestly, what I totally resent about this situation: I could have my phone set to "rec on". My fucking iPhone 6plus 128 GB, because if I can't have a big dick, let me have a big screen AND big memory at least.

Enough, guys. I'll give my boys an example how to peacefully handle such situations.

BETA BUCKS

My gut feeling today is that all she cares is money, all I am is beta bucks. I don't mind. Children are mine and that's pretty cool. What happened, happened. It won't re-happen, it won't change EVER. I'll continue helping her with my kids.

She scared today and she started talking with me. At first I was like "OMG TRP WORKS EVEN AT HOME". Then... man. She scared, because she had that comfy piece of furniture called "husband" that sat at home, brought money, fixed shit and she did not had to care about it at all. Now, there's a possibility, that this piece of furniture will be moved away. She's scared because she got used to me, because I help her, because I bring money, not because "love" or anything like that. And, I actually told her, no worries, baby, I'm going to take care about myself, because if I am healthy and earn good monies, the kids can get food and clothes and from time to time I'll help you with your home too. I don't care at all about making her "dread", I'd rather have her quiet and comfortable and get a silent, peaceful divorce, if that's possible in my situation.

I don't care, totally don't care about making her suck my dick. Yes, perhaps that's not very MPR-way, as I see many posts focus actually on making your old harpy do actually that, like it's kind of your hobby or something, but as it seems, I'm not really one of you guys, though I still appreciate your being here, your level of comments and integrity and your help, that I already got.

CONCLUSIONS

Criticize me as you will. This what I describe feels aligned with my inner values as of today.

I was baptized christian, I believed in one marriage per lifetime. On the other hand, I was active, high-functioning alcoholic when I married. Christian church allows dissolution of marriage in this case. Not that I'm going to use that as an excuse, but look - those guys aren't soft when it comes to dissolving of a marriage, and they have this case of mine covered. On the other hand, yes, I know, I am totally aware I'm opting for an easy way.

Most important thing is, I feel actually happy when I care about my stuff, my life and I stopped thinking about her, especially about her cheating.

I stopped being depressed and I actually wait what the next day will come, because I have no idea at all what is going to happen.

I love her as another human being. As a woman... somehow, I fetishized some parts of our sexual life. Except her outbursts, she seems to be a good mother, doesn't drink, smoke, cares about kids, seems interested. There's not much more to see. As a lifetime partner, she's unreasonable and irresponsible. As a friend? We don't have any family rituals, we did not created any healthy, sober ways of spending time together. Before I started therapy, we went somewhere and I got drunk there and this was all our fun - when I was drunk I was able to tolerate her.

This is the third time someone in our marriage files for divorce during last 3 yrs (2013 - she, 2014 - me, 2015 - she). This madness has to end. To secure my own safety, I must be free from unnecessary legal connections with this crazy woman (and if you say this is AWALT, OK, I don't have to be married at all). I told her that I am aware many people have a good relation post-divorce, but what I did NOT told her - I actually don't EVER see re-marrying her AT ALL, NEVER EVER and even if she manages to get her shit together and start acting like a human being towards me, I won't trust her AT ALL.

On the other hand, the divorce is coming in 5 months or so. This is how long we will wait for the first case. I have time for improvement, and during that time, she will... I don't know what she will. I neither want to know, nor I care. Honestly, this was far too long not about me. You helped me to get on the right track, guys. I'm not sure what will happen in the future, but this is what I think today, this is what is the best for me NOW. Thanks.

LESSONS LEARNED

  • "when someone shows you who they are for the first time, you better believe them".
  • definition of madness: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,
  • even if I don't care about details of her affair and I got over that, my trust for her has gone away, it's not zero, it's fucking NEGATIVE,
  • I don't see how could I rebuild my respect without leaving. I let myself go in this area way, way too far,
  • borders are important to me in every aspect of my life, marriage, relationships, workplace, communication, MY KIDS(!),
  • I'm leaving an intolerable situation instead of waiting for the situation to change,
  • if you getting treatment for an addiction, feel free to be emotional pussy while in treatment group, stay STONE COLD when at home, STFU, never go into details of your emotions and failures, just think as much you need, thank me later, HIDE your diary if you have any.

THANK YOU!

Thank you for reading my post, ego getting ready to die in 3... 2... 1..