Withdrawing affection vs. acting butthurt

BluepillProfessor · 2015-09-26T03:31:57+00:00

my wife was trying to be very affectionate. I kind of mildly reciprocated because I thought if I had been completely cold it would be "acting butthurt."

First, I would be very careful of withdrawing attention- aka actually punishing the Starfish. Focus on building yourself up, not tearing down a wife who is trying to be affectionate. I recommend withdrawing attention/time/affection for sexual denial but would be much more careful with Starfish. She is trying. That is all you can demand of her. If you are getting Starfish it means she is not attracted and only you control whether you are attractive, not her. So what is there to punish? Discipline yourself instead in that situation.

Second, withdrawing attention can easily be seen as acting butthurt. When you withdraw attention for sexual denials it hurts, but it is necessary pain with a deliberate purpose. So while it hurts, you don't admit how much pain you are in. You leave the house if you can't face her without projecting or admitting your pain.

[deleted] · 2015-09-26T13:33:18+00:00

Your attitude has a lot to do with withdrawal vs butthurt.

Are you sulking around, or are you smiling and whistling a happy tune?

Does your body language show defeat or confidence?

Are you cold and distant to your wife, or are you still engaging with her playfully as if nothing is wrong?

I think many people think withholding time and attention means being cold and distant. It doesn't. You are still the happy, jovial guy you always are. You still interact the same. You still tease her and slap her ass and kiss her good and hard.

However, you do not spend time listening to her stories or snuggling up to watch a movie or take her on a date. She has to earn those with sex.

[deleted] · 2015-09-26T04:26:10+00:00

Everyone is different, but I will give you my experience with the Starfish. Early in my MRP journey, I was having a really unpleasant sex session and I said, well I guess you just aren't into this today. Then I got up and went to the gym. She was really hurt. At the time I was so angry, I didn't care. Two losers, me no sex, her sad.

So the next time I started practicing caveman, AKA hate sex. At first there was only one winner, me. Soon she was getting into it too. Now 2 winners instead of 2 losers. It also helped me in getting past my very difficult (for me) anger stage.

Redneck001 · 2015-09-26T13:29:20+00:00

Great question and one you will navigate mostly by trial and error. I went through same starfish phase and now bend wife over whenever and wherever I want

I do think a jump from dead or cold bedroom to frequent starfish sex is a good sign that you are doing something right. Perhaps enjoy this plateau and know better things will come as you improve and she perceives this new SMV

abdada · 2015-09-25T20:34:28+00:00

You withdraw attention because you get more rewards spending the time doing something else.

You don't hang with her and ignore her. You go do shit that pleases you. She doesn't please you.

You're busy. If she wants your time, she's got to compete.

Always stop if sex turns starfish. Going to the gym is good because you've got energy to burn.

Not all marriages can be saved, but you're making yourself better regardless of outcome.

IWillHandleIt · 2015-09-27T21:23:41+00:00

It's really about your attitude, and that can't be changed in a day or a week. For now, do your best not to act butthurt, but the change really comes when truly aren't butthurt. Work on your internal dialogue.

When you are really "there", you won't be butthurt, and you won't really be withdrawing affection; instead, you will just go and do something else that makes you happy rather than wallowing in your disappointment. It will be about you taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of trying to blame your unhappiness on her.

spexer · 2015-09-25T20:38:37+00:00

As a Newbie, do not turn down sex. Rejecting sex because it is not good enough takes advanced skill to pull off effectively.

Until you are much further into MRP, i suggest the following:

Go caveman on her, with no focus on her getting off.
LEAD physically - flip her over, manhandle her.
do not verbally ASK for anything. Tell her what to do, what you want.
do not perform any tasks (back massage, giving in to shit tests) in order for sex. Just go and take her.

Title	Withdrawing affection vs. acting butthurt
Author	trp_dude
Upvotes	8
Comments	21
Date	September 25, 2015 8:30 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3mdqhc/withdrawing_affection_vs_acting_butthurt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/withdrawing-affection-vs-acting-butthurt.200964 https://theredarchive.com/post/200964

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