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help

April 19, 2022
20 upvotes

I'm having a hard time moving on me and my wife are still pretty codependent even though we have been separated for a few months now I still obsess over what she does and where she goes and who she talks to we still talk on the phone almost daily and see each other during the week and on weekends we are still having sex and being loving a lot of the time but fighting most of the other times sometimes I want to try and work things out but I think we both understand it's best we split I've started having mood swings and I'm starting to enter a very negative headspace and I think I need to seek help idk what to do

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Post Information
Title help
Author BNico2288
Upvotes 20
Comments 13
Date April 19, 2022 6:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/help.1112033
https://theredarchive.com/post/1112033
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/u7bv6y/help/
Comments

[–]a-man-from-earth 10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

we both understand it's best we split

Cut the cord. Walk away. Go no contact.

and I think I need to seek help

Good idea. Go seek a counsellor or therapist to talk things through.

[–]BNico2288[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We have kids so I can't completely go no contact but I try to give her space but it never fails she either reaches out to me or I make the call sadly I've acted out of character during all this but I've heard admitting you have a problem is a good step

[–]a-man-from-earth 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have kids

That does complicate things. So, I think you need to make a choice: either try to patch things up, and go to couples therapy, or file for divorce and treat her like she's married to someone else. As long as you two are having sex, who are you fooling really?

Be strong and do what is right.

[–]dodus 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This kind of thing is just horrible, I’m sorry OP. You need to detach from her completely. It’s going to be hard. Try not to obsess about what she is doing to heal - that’s no longer your business or problem. Reconnect with friends and family. Find some new hobbies. You will get through this.

[–]FatherOfLights88 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Do you really want to hear what needs to be done?

[–]BNico2288[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I will hear any advice offered

[–]FatherOfLights88 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You're extremely enmeshed with her and have lost your sense of self. It's like tape getting stuck to itself (sticky side to sticky side). You'll need to gently pull your surface away from hers. I don't know if this needs to be done in stages, or in one painful rip. I also don't know the true future of your relationship (without you and I having a real conversation).

Regardless of that, you need to make the conscious decision to decouple yourself from her.

You can start by no longer having sex with her. Every time you two couple again, all you're doing is causing more damage to yourself. How is this indistinguishable from a substance addiction?

If you two are 'separated', then separate yourself. Oh, it'll hurt, and you'll like ugly cry. It's what needs to be done if you don't want to drive yourself further into the abyss of 'crazy'.

[–]windowpass 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This as well as therapy. Seek a male therapist. There are some online ones. If you have any kind of insurance, you'll only pay a copayment, but make sure it is accepted first

[–]surrealstrength 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is an answer that can apply to so many situations. Well written sir

[–]FatherOfLights88 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks!

[–]surrealstrength 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you think having a sexual relationship is a reason you're not able to let go?

[–]BNico2288[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No I think I'm just dwelling on what we had we have been together for 10 yrs also I'm concerned with being alone and the possibility of not finding someone else and her moving on with another man

[–]surrealstrength 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry man.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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