I've always had a sense of guilt around girls for being too loud, too active, too rough with language, etc. Like I'm an unwashed, unsophisticated lout and it's outrageous to even go anywhere near the "fairies that fart butterflies" (though I didn't even want to and felt like a peasant preferring company of other peasants to the complex "high society"), I'm gay and asexual but felt like a perverted predator. I notice that the guilt, subconsciously, still persists, and suppresses my masculine traits and potential by forcing me to present myself as an inferior: trying to make my voice tiny, slouching (although I'm usually the shortest person in the room even if there are only women there, I still feel as if I were too big and scary, I even avoid capitalizing letters), smiling friendly when I don't want to, looking down; I am not afraid of looking people in the eye, I am afraid of making them uncomfortable by forcing them to look me in the eye. It happens around women always but I think also around men sometimes (I realise I don't know since almost all the clerks, teachers, doctors, HRs, etc. are women). I don't do that on purpose, it happens without noticing, say, during a conversation; after exiting it I realise I was doing it again and feel disgusted and angry at both myself and others. What do I do? I don't think I suffer from social anxiety, if I remind myself to stop doing that the problem is only in fighting the habit, but for some reason I completely forget about it in a social setting like I'm hypnotized and the hypnosis only wears off after
