Mid-week check-in

6-leslie · 2022-11-23T00:25:38+00:00

I'm still stresst and my mental health is getting worse but I have to keep going. I hate my family so fucking much but if I can hold on a year or two I may be able to escape. It's all about waiting now. Waiting is hard especially in the winter when it's dark because darkness worsens my mental health a lot and makes the voices from the front left of my brain loud. Also no gardening, autoimmune disease gets worse, and anniversary of bad events.

I askt for a light therapy lamp because that'd really help. But yeah that's not going to happen because my family wants me to kill myself and igores my basic medical needs. I'm really upset over that even though I should be emotionless about this by now.

Still nothing on getting new mental health team, put on disability, and physical doctors. "Help is available" no it isn't. I'm tired of that being everywhere, shitty bot messages in search results and humans, professionals and strangers. IT's socie-tylevel gaslighting I hate everyone who says this. OK fuckhead.

Everything sucks but I want to get to a place where everything doesn't suck

So I've started telling myself "If other people went through even a bit of what you ahve they'd have killt themselves already" when I or the voices say I'm pathetic. It helps for a second until I think about what that means. Suicide isn't weak, I hate that mindset, I'm becoming an even shittier person. So now I'm becoming the type of person who puts down others who killed themselves to feel better than "puny shit." And I survived attempt myself so wtf? you'd be "weak" too shithead. None of us are weak I'm just insecure and becoming a shit person to feel less insecure. But it's better to be insecure than be a shit person.

I have plans to get through winter, but the light therapy lamp would be the most important, so I know this is going to fucking suck shit despite the plans. To prepare I am going back to drugs. Thank God drugs exist. I misst them so much.

I'll do great in the day but as soon as the sun sets everything is awful like I was never happy and never will be and impulsively suicidal. I don't want to be like this. I'm trying my best, it all gets fuckt up, because God hates me and I'm curst. Still going to try, I have to until at least another year.Though still "help is available" pisses me off so much. NO THERES NOT. Iv'e been through it all I know more than anyone I am the most documented psych patient my age in this country. I'm probably in the top 10 of all psych patients of all ages. The government watches me and can see my thoughts that's the positive is recently I Stoppt caring. For a long time I was paranoid about that but now I don't care anymore because they clearly don't give a shit enough to do anything with me after all this time.

I know hat I'm fine. I know that more than anyone help isn't available, so the government doesn't help, Cps, psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, guidance counsellors, teachers, ER staff, psych ward staff, 911, crisis lines, literally none of them have ever helpt, most of them actually went out of their way to make things worse. There's a whole world of abuse metnally disabled people go through that isn't "hidden" but normal people dont' care about. Then they want to tell methey care and there's hellp. Go fuck yourself. I love you but go fuck yourself.

And to finish this post with a great timing, just got a message from my mother after weeks to send me a link t a mechnaic and say "Oops wrong person lol" ignoring all the important medical stuff I've been begging for months. She always ignores me. I don't exist to her except when she wants to take her anger out on me or use me for attention/reputation, "look how hard I have it, how good of a mother I am for taking care of this crazy retard of a son." The most you've ever done is let me live in a house and even then a filthy dangeorus hosue with no fucking lights or heating in ahrsh winters. I hate her. I have a right to hate her. I'm not ungrateful or selfish no one should go through this. I need to escape.

BoTheJoV3 · 2022-11-22T22:44:55+00:00

Doing good. No water in the house

Sword_of_Damocles_55 · 2022-11-22T12:39:15+00:00

Thanks for this post. Honestly I'm lonely. Lost a long term relationship and I miss having someone in my life.

Title	Mid-week check-in
Author	mensupportmenmod
Upvotes	18
Comments	4
Date	November 22, 2022 4:00 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/mid-week-check-in.1140626 https://theredarchive.com/post/1140626
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/z1jqwg/midweek_checkin/