Updates suck when you can’t share a lot of details for safety reasons and it’s those details mainly that’re updating. So It sounds like nothing changed but things are working, progress. I saw a lot of social workers(?) for different things recently, they did all the money stuff like they put me up for something where the government gives me some money, that’s just waiting for a couple weeks now for them to approve it that’s done. They’re all very nice to me.

The group home thing I was told I have 2 options, group home or a thing that’s like being adopted as An adult. A Family is paid to take care of you & let you live with them, they have to pass requirements, know about autism & interview. I think the family option is the best, so they said my grandma has to call the group that runs this program to get me put on a waiting list then I get interviewed and they see if there’s any families that can take me. And if there’s none then we go with the group home option. Until then someone comes everyday for 4 hours (time probably change later) to help me live, idk when it starts I think very soon.

For some reason we have to go in person for them to tell us they approved me for the government pay thingy. It’s on many floors so my grandma would take an elevator but I refuse I’d rather walk 1 million flights of stairs than go in an elevator, I have a phobia. So I always take the stairs everywhere but I get lost very easy and I won’t know this building. So the social worker said she works in the same building and I can call her when I’m there and she’ll walk with me to where I’m supposed to be. She’s really nice to me I like her.

The organization my grandma has to call to get me on waiting list for the alternate family thing, I’m worried she won’t do it becase she doesn’t want me to go to another family. And I can’t do it myself, but if she doesn’t I’ll tell the social worker and she’ll help.

I didn’t tell my grandma or mom about the alternate family option because I thought they’d get angry//feel personally attacked/offended/jealous and try to sabotage this option. The social worker told her on the phone (I gave her permission) because she had to explain that she (my grandma) has to call this organization. After my grandma got off the phone, she askt me twice if I “know that’s a family, right?” I said yes, she said “ you know you can come with me when I move right?”

I know that sounds normal in writing without context but trust me I knew then what she was doing it’s something she & my mom does a lot it’s a manipulation thing. I didn’t want to argue (I never do) but I wanted to try standing up for myself in case if I don’t she thinks she can get away trying to sabotage this option somehow. I just said “I can’t”. She asked why and I knew the question was a trap not genuine like she & my mom always does but I’m still a stupid idiot that gives people the benefit of the doubt too much, I hoped she’d change her personality & say something like “oh OK do what’s best for you” so I answered “you don’t take care of me”

I was right of course she got offended, did that weird cartoon angry noise my family does when they’re about to punish me, muttered “I don’t take care of you” twice in her angry voice. Then she said “I’m 70 I can’t act like. 40 year old”

Her ages part of why she doesn’t take care of me, but most of it she goes out of her way to hurt me, she’s just not a good person overall (makes sense where my mother got it from). I know she knows I know that and she was trying to get me to get upset trying to explain no your ages not the real problem. Ok because remember I have limited voice use/use writing to communicate longer than a short sentence, also severe sensory issues, trying to defend myself in words like that I get frustrated overwhelmed because I can’t speak and the sensory pain, I have a meltdown. And my family knows this that’s part of why they refuse to listen to my AAC. It’s so they can guilt me/blame me & punish me for having a meltdown that they cause on purpose. It’s so fuckt up I have no voice.

Very cool I didn’t fall for the trap this time and I said “that proves my point (she agrees she can’t take care of me) I’m not arguing about it” and I got to leave to my room and she didn’t follow me to yell at me thankfully

I’m writing about that example because she shows me every day she doesn’t care about me but that time for some reason it hit differently. Ignore it was only 1 reason (the least bad/innocent/not her fault one) of why she agrees she can’t take care of me. She still agreed she can’t take care of my basic needs. But she acted like she was the victim and trying to make me feel bad & that I should stay to suffer instead of leave to get better. Like what the fuck is wrong with my family. I’m an object to them not a person deserving respect & basic needs taken care of. My need don’t matter at all, but her wants does and every day they’re so petty too she causes me physical & mental pain every day for the most pettiest shit she wants. But that was very clear ugly picture to me then of who she really is (not the nice grandma I thought she was when I saw her 1nce a year before I moved in with her). And made me more confident I’m doing the right thing by leaving

I still don’t know what was special about that 1 interaction when she does it & worse all the time but it really affected me different. maybe it’s because all the new social workers I’m seeing now are nice to me and see me as a person & listening (reading, they let me write unlike my family) to me and that’s making me see more clearer how messsed up my family is now. Idk but I know that’s now how decent people react in that situation especially not someone you love. If you love someone you should be supportive that they’re going to get their basic needs taken care of, recover from 20 years of abuse & neglect, and be happier & healthier. You don’t make them feel bad about it, act like it’s a personal attack against you & that they should let themselves die a slow painful death just because you “don’t mean to” abuse or neglect them.

I know abuse runs in families, my grandma abused my mother and my mother abused me and my fathers parents abused him and my father abused me (not as bad as my mom). I’m never having children but if I ever have friends or a husband I refuse to treat them like how my family treats me. I’ll spend my entire life in therapy to make sure that doesn’t happen. Fuck this stupid ass abuse cycle, I don’t want any part of it. Things will be OK I think, I have hope I’m gonna make it out. I’ll update again whenever there’s enough changed I can share in a post. Thanks for reading bye