Today has been quite a day. I didn't know what would happen. But I'm actually back from the hospital. At a hotel still, in my own room. Still, I actually got the surgery done. Well, procedure is more like it. I'll explain.

I did initially get some conflict from the hospital after everything was done. Telling me that I didn't need post-op care and that I could continue in my daily activities nearly right away. That didn't sound right or good. And I just now realized why. The only thing that was possibly done today was a cystocopy and that procedure was already run by one of my previous urologists two years ago. I swear, this urologist told me he would do something involving the tip and create a bigger opening through dilation. But, I don't think he did any of that. He just ran a cystoscopy and that's it. And I don't think he's planning on doing anything else. That didn't hit me until just now. (Sighs)

At this point, I think if this doesn't work, I may have no other choice but to accept the way things are and things won't get much better than this and may even continue to get worse in the future. I have tried self-improvement, a lot of doctors, physical therapy, medicine, surgery (that unfortunately didn't work out) and I'm still stuck in the same position. And at this point, I'm just....tired.

UPDATE: I'm back home now. I also wanted to tell you guys while I was at another city, I contacted my ex-friend again (who is a feminist). I knew I only did that out of desperation because she was one of the closest people I've ever talked with. But I also knew that if I did reach out again, she might not answer, break off the friendship herself possibly or she could possibly tell me to fuck off. We sorta had an on again, off again friendship and honestly, I think it's best to end the friendship but a part of me doesn't want to because.....it's like I have no one else to talk to or be open with. So....I keep thinking about going back to her again. Even my therapist keeps kinda recommending and hinting about reconnecting with my ex-friend. So between that and the doctor not really providing anything for me (I probably should've seen that coming), I'm stuck and I'm alone again. A part of me wants things to change for the better and to at the very least be able to truly talk and connect to another person. But there's this other part of me that is saying that's never really going to happen and despite my efforts, my health is still fucked up, I'm not able to really talk to or connect with anyone and all of this (along with learning about gender bias and the trauma I've been through), has kinda made me more cold and distant towards everything. And it's so bad that I can't even really talk about how I feel with another person most of the time so I keep bottling things up and do more of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" crap. It's just sad. It's really sad.