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Who Do You Call When You're At Your Lowest?

November 22, 2021

Good afternoon gentlemen.

I wanted to have a discussion on a video I have seen circulating recently about this question and the number of men responding they have absolutely no one to talk to. It's heartbreaking to me.

There has been a long-running stigma that it's not okay to talk about your feelings. Hardships and their emotional counterparts that build up over time feel insurmountable, and that does not need to be the case. This sub, while small, is a great opportunity for your voice to be heard anonymously, and if you are thinking about posting you definitely should. Even if the issue itself small. As we approach the holidays things to get harder it's possible to feel more isolated, but here you are never alone.

I wish you all a good Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful I stumbled upon this outlet as a way to support one another. Love you all.

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Post Information
Title Who Do You Call When You're At Your Lowest?
Author DelRMi05
Upvotes 21
Comments 36
Date November 22, 2021 5:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]AngryFox95 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’ve stopped talking to friends/family about any issue, large or small. I’ve developed this “friends are made to be lost” mentally and I have been 110% focused on my job. Society has chewed me up and spit me out. All I want now is a small home or apartment to call my own and watch the days go by.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a decent friend group, but we’re spread out and only get together from time to time. I’ve always been jealous of people who have had that best friend since they met in the hospital the day they were born and have been inseparable ever since.

As a grew older, I learned that family is yours for the choosing, and that there can be many different types of friendships.

Im sorry for your circumstances, but I also feel there’s nothing wrong with having small groups of friends or boundaries like you’re saying.

I just hope you don’t feel like you’re alone there. Society has the ability to wear down on us early and often.

[–]UnHope20 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sort of in a similar boat with the friendship thing. It's hard but I'm learning to make a conscious effort to maintain friendships and stay connected with family.

It can be tough to connect and stay connected with others in today's world. But you can really benefit from having people to talk to who you vibe with you.

If you want to IM just to chat I'm down.

[–]Whatitwsid 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know exactly how you feel. I'm there myself. I just want a small place to call my own. And to work on me. Just me. The best support I ever had was a counseling service I went to years ago. The only person I knew would be there. Who wouldn't be judgemental and would hear me. Watch me lose it and still stay there. I just hope we can all find what we need in those moments.

[–]SaracensFlanker 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don't think there is anyone for me to call. My family are very atomised and I guess I'd call the sister closest to me in age if I had to. In terms of friends - I have two or three who have stuck around over the years, but they're not really a source of advice or comfort. They're just there when I'm not drowning in anhedonia or depression.

For the most part I have resigned myself to living miserably until I can't do it any more. I'd like to own a home at some point but the economy is currently rigged against that being possible, so I'm biding my time living a largely solitary existence. It isn't much, but it's enough, so far.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I hear you on the family situation. It’s not easy there like many assume. But that’s okay. It’s probably more normal than many realize.

I’ll say that friends come in many forms, and serve different roles. Keep it light with them if need be. It may just help to find a different outlet. I think whoever created this sub had the right idea. I appreciate you taking part in the discussion.

Feel free to DM about real estate. I’m in the industry and I understand the nightmare that is home buying. I can answer any questions you may have. It’s hard, but still a wonderful goal.

[–]SaracensFlanker 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. And I hadn't thought about it but I guess not all families are close - I'd like to talk to them more than once every five years but it just doesn't happen.

And with respect to real estate, I'm in the UK, so it's just the house price to earnings ratio that kills the dream. I come from London as well so I would either have to buy something at 25-100+x median earnings or move to where I have no connections at closer to 8-12x median salary.

Still, could be worse.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

To offer some more perspective if I may, plenty of families that appear nuclear or traditional are anything but. We’re not always privy to what happens behind closed doors. What I do know is that social media really distorts perceptions about relationships and the idea that everyone is happy but you. Family, in My opinion only is when two or more people care for each other beyond their own self interest. You don’t need to label relationships, but you quickly find that they come in all different forms and sometimes you discover that you’re very important to those that you would t expect.

UK real estate is certainly a different animal. A client of mind married an English man and I helped her find a place when they moved back here to the States where I am. She educated me about the real estate process over there. Definitely not for the faint of heart. It’s bad everywhere of course but there are some specific challenges as to how transactions work. So I feel the struggle.

[–]Morden013 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My best friend. I have two actually, but the other one is so under the water with the work and family, I have no heart to pour my problems onto him.

The first one is also 10 years older, so he often gives me a valuable advice or at least a story - I had it worse than you... Puts things into perspective.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s certainly nice to have that perspective from someone older, and you bring up a good topic here to talk about: “I had it worse then you.” This is going to happen from time to time but if taken the wrong way it can sound like your feelings are being invalidated because you didn’t have it as bad. It’s probably not a case where the person you’re talking with is trying to make you feel bad, and they are empathizing, but you can see where some people can take it the wrong way.

Thank you for the response

[–]Morden013 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are right, but it is our way.

We have been friends for 20 years now, and that guy is someone who has helped me pull myself up from some serious shit. I have done my best to return the favor. The other friend is a great person himself and these two are somebody I can talk to openly. I cherish that and appreciate it every day.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're very lucky. It's great to have these types of people to lean on. Friendships take on different forms and each friend plays a different but special roll. Sometimes we need a person to listen to us, sometimes guide us in the right direction or bounce ideas around with, and sometimes just someone to hang with without any sort of pressure.

Growing up I had a really close friend who I had a falling out with after high school (We're still in touch and friends!), and we were inseparable. Never did we talk about anything serious but we were absolutely there for each other when we needed it. We were each other's escape. One way we would cope with life's challenges was to hit the road on an adventure or head to our favorite food joint.

Sometimes we need more from our friends than they can give at the time which can be challenging, but the point is there are other outlets.

This highlights a great point that adult relationships just hit different. High school and/or college are great at putting everyone in the same box and presenting similar challenges to everyone. After you move one you find yourself in many different situations and are kind of left wondering who understands you on your own island. No wonder people feel alone.

[–]SgtRinzler 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I've been very fortunate to have a large support system, but I know and have found out that it's mostly surface level. My parents are great and would support me through anything that life threw at me, but I've largely just pushed through and made myself responsible for my own life and that's helped a lot. Ive had a lot of help getting here and I'm not perfect, but the good days are even, if not a little more than the bad.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

If I may ask, what are the biggest challenges you are facing right now? (in regards to what is making your average day slightly more than bad)

[–]SgtRinzler 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I work a lot, don't have much time to myself to do things I enjoy. I have a bit of protagonist syndrome and don't think I'm living up to my potential. I just also have no energy to try most days

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh man, that hits close to home. I switched roles in My industry, went back to school, and have been challenged recently and I just feel worthless at My job sometimes despite putting in the effort. I feel you on the energy thing too.

One thing I did this Fall was to pick back up an old hobby. I kind of forced Myself to do it on the weekends and I ended up rekindling a passion of mine that was a little healthier than gaming every day. I started to make time for Myself, to not do just anything, but something positive. It really cleared up My mental health and made a difference. I still have work challenges, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

[–]SgtRinzler 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It sucks cuz I want to work out again, like get a gym membership etc. But I have no energy or time to make the most of it. I'm also into guns, and with the events of the last couple years that's been super unaffordable

[–]DelRMi05[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Shooting sports can be great. I’m into it as well but I typically end up fishing over all else. Ammo is also very expensive. Bass fishing gets cheaper over time and I catch and release. Both outside, and both can help you keep a clear mind.

Instead of a gym, maybe throw on some headphones and go for a walk? Great small step that can make a quick difference and there’s not much to it. The outdoors is great when it’s not cold and is nature is known to make people happy. Just my two cents. Baby steps. And do it because it makes you happy.

[–]SgtRinzler 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll see what I can do, good fellow. I appreciate you and your input

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate you for the discussion

[–]Gpda0074 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hmmm... either my parents or some random dude on the street I'll never see again.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I won’t underestimate a stranger that exhibits kindness. Sometimes they have everything you need

[–]YearningConnection 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I suppose I dont call anyone. Its been awhile since Ive been pretty low but I at least made a few friends now so maybe I might call one of them. I haven't had a chance to test yet.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you’re going in the right direction. I hope you don’t feel like the only reason to have a serious discussion revolves around something negative. Happy emotion is emotion you also process.

[–]YearningConnection 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thats something I never thought about. Thanks!

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re welcome friend.

[–]wolfoftheworld 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I used to have a good friend support system until starting last year a lot of them grew distant and uninterested in maintaining a friendship. I tried reaching out but would be met with half-hearted attempts or being ignored. I asked myself if it was me, if maybe I tried to keep the connection going too much or something else. I'm still convinced one former friend is so brainwashed by his girlfriend that he would rather bow down to her then hang out.

I get the whole "life is busy" bullshit we all hear, and it can be true. But I find that saying gets used so much these days that it is no longer genuine. With our smart phones, communication is much easier than before, but people still can't be bothered.

I'm with the one user on this thread who feels that friendship fades away easily. Because it really does.

I consider everyone an acquaintance now ever since last year. It's been rough mentally to adjust to this mindset, but I find it to be true the older I get. So, I do have a lot of acquaintances, but I don't know if I classify them as friends anymore. I'm wary. Because they were once my family, but are no longer.

I do have a good support system in my parents. That I am really grateful for. But even still, there's things you would rather discuss with your peers then with your parents. I know without my parents, I'd be lost. So I acknowledge them as much as possible.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I wholeheartedly agree. As we age relationships with a significant other take precedent and other relationships fade out as a result. I think Covid has exasperated this problem is well. If we look at the law of inertia (an object at motion stays at motion..) I would say relationships are similar. This isn’t a you thing I particular.

I have done two things to help preserve my friendships that don’t put a lot of pressure on my group. The first is a meme thread. We’re all browsing the Internet in our free time, so conversation happens naturally when there’s actual things to talk about. The second is a yearly trip. We rent a cabin and get drunk together every summer. Enough people are invited and while only a fraction go, it’s a yearly staple that has a decent turnout every year. With everything you said regarding fading relationships, the guys look forward to that escape.

It becomes harder to make friends as we get older and I think a big part of that is people generally don’t like taking the time and commitment, so the role of friends changes from people that you really rely on to people looking for something more lighthearted. Stick to steak dinners and sporting events and watch how quickly people want to join you.

[–]wolfoftheworld 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are very correct with the statement about "nobody taking the time and commitment." That is very much the truth in our modern world.


[–]Carkudo 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

An ambulance.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

With the cost of healthcare the way it is? That's crazy.

[–]a-man-from-earth 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Not everybody lives in the US...

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

It was a non-serious reply to a non-serious reply

[–]a-man-from-earth 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't think the comment you replied to was non-serious.

[–]DelRMi05[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

If your lowest is a mental ailment it could be, that that’s not what the original context was centered around. I was making fun of the us healthcare system. I know not everyone lives in the us.

[–]a-man-from-earth 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was making fun of the us healthcare system.

Yeah, I see that now.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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