My ex-wife is taking our daughter to the doctor to have her hymen checked because she doesn't believe our teenage daughter is a virgin. The teenage daughter doesn't want to go. It's also probably obvious that I and my ex have very different views on religion and sex, though I won't go into them here. My ex has come to the belief that our daughter is having sex due to the daughter lying about her whereabouts and being found hanging out with a boy later.

I think this is an awful idea. A broken hymen isn't even necessarily evidence of sex as it can be broken in other ways, though I do believe there certainly is a high chance she is not a virgin; statistically speaking many girls her age are not. Not to mention at a certain age your privacy shouldn't be violated in this manner no matter the circumstances. I believe these actions will cause irreparable damage to the relationship between my ex and my daughter, and the huge deal my ex is making about sex may give my daughter a complex about it.

I had sex at about the same age my daughter is now, and my ex did much earlier, and even got pregnant and had an abortion. It's been a long time since I've been a teen, but I think teaching her to make good choices and then trusting her to act on what we've taught her, even if she does decide to have sex is all we can do past a certain age, as it is her life and she knows by now that there is little we can do to stop it as we can't watch her all the time. I've tried to argue this before, but my ex turns it into a pissing contest where I'm accused of letting my daughter sleep around with whoever she wants and do as she pleases. I've even been threatened with having visitations with the kids disallowed.

I live 1000 miles away and have little control over any of this that I know of. I've made my case that I think it's a bad idea to her, but that is all I can really do that I'm aware of.

My ex is also talking of getting a babysitter for our teenage daughter, to walk her everywhere she goes. I think this is going to be painfully embarrassing to a teen and is going to add fuel to the fire.

Am I wrong in this? Is there any legal advise I can give my daughter before this happens? Can a 13 year old tell the doctor no? I don't have the money for a lawyer to stop it and do not believe words will work. Help!

EDIT: Now it's become about HPV and disease why she needs a pap smear. It's also about her morals and I shouldn't be trying to be a new age parent and just let her do what she wants (from the mother).

EDIT EDIT: Ex has agreed to leave it up to the kid after much argument. Sigh, that was scary. Now to try to get my kid back here so we don't have to go through this anymore.