I'm a woman engaged to a man who is in a custody battle over a 4 year old child he is 99% sure is not biologically his. He is only 26 so was pretty young when the child was born, knew the child probably was not biologically his, and his mother in the hospital told him that she also knew the child wasn't his, and if he wanted to back out he better do it now. The child's mother was even younger, cheated on him through their entire relationship. She was and still is incredibly unstable, substance abuse, violent, you name it. He decided to stay for multiple reasons. The child's mother has never had a job and drank the whole time she was pregnant and nursing, cheated on him when he was at work, abusive to the point of breaking his nose, stabbing him in the arm, just really awful. Once when the child was 2, after the child's mother took her to another state without telling him, he had decided he'd had enough and planned on getting a paternity test and amending the birth certificate so she couldnt come after him for child support. The women in his family completely flipped out and his Aunt who had been a huge support and help to him when he was younger, said if he did this, she would never help him again. He felt like he was being disowned. So, he changed course and went and found the child, wrote up a custody agreement, and took the responsibility of spending thousands of dollars a year transporting the child back and forth for visits to the mother. We met about a year ago and he has been the most amazing, gentle, attentive partner I've ever had. Until we got engaged recently, the kids mother showed pretty low interest in raising the kid. My fiance would drop her off at her mother's and the mom would text him a couple days later to pick her up. He would sometimes refuse, and so the time was split about 60/40. I don't know how much of this is relevant to my question, just trying to explain the situation the best I can.

Now, the mother is keeping the child from him and not disclosing whereabouts. She has had us drive across state lines to go silent when we get there to pick her up. We've spent thousands of dollars on plane tickets and attorneys fees, and the custody battle is just starting. The child's mothers family is all involved, her dad and sister and brother often take care of the kid when she is with her mom.

This is about to get ugly, and my fiance has been talking more than usual about how the baby isn't biologically his. Now, I know he loves this kid. I know he does. I've held his as he cried for not knowing where she was. But there's a huge part of him that feels like an illegitimate father, I can see it wearing on him when he brings it up. I can see it when he's filing custody paperwork and talking to the judge. I can see it in the way he parents. When he brings it up he says, "I dont like talking about this," but he is always the one who offers the information. I find the timing odd.

I want to preface this by saying I am incredibly paternally biased. My parents went through a divorce and my mother was just as awful as this kid's is. My dad saved my life. But I was his kid.

I also have a half brother who wasn't biologically my dad's and they have adopted eachother for life. Even after my parents split, they are father and son to this day.

So maybe I'm a total bitch to think this, drag me if you want I don't care, but is it wrong for me to think that he should consider letting the mother have the kid?

I seriously feel like he was used, and then guilt tripped, by all the women in his life to care for a child he will always know is not his. I'm pissed off about it. Honestly, the kid treats him like crap too. I am mad for him. I have bonded with the child and I understand she doesn't know what's going on and it's not her fault. But I can't help thinking about his mental and psychological health and what this is doing to him.

The other night we went out for drinks and when we got home we were talking about things. I looked him in the eye and told him I know he'd been guilt tripped, but did he understand that he didn't have to feel bad for not wanting to do this? He just broke down and hugged me.

What do I do? Am I out of line for bringing it up? This is a topic I've never brought up to him before, he always does.

Is this evil for even thinking about now that the kid is already 4?

Is it even my place to say anything? I might be the only person in his life that's ever told him he shouldn't feel like a scumbag or less of a man for walking away from taking care of people that aren't even biologically his.

It's obviously a difficult situation for me emotionally as well, I don't want to be connected to this terrible family for the rest of my life so I am scared of bringing anything up at all out of fear of being bias, that evil step mother.

So please tell me what you think, and try to be kind. This shit sucks.