It sucks that even being a parent and a husband, Im alone and have no one, feeling worse now than before when I was single. That inner voice that reminds you of things people have said or taught you. "You have a wife and child, why you feeling that way? Should be happy." I understand when people mention that you gotta sometimes put that energy to initiate but man, I've done that shit all my life, even with my wife. I was the only person that did that for her cause to be fair, she always had to initiate but tbh overtime, I'm starting to feel she's lying a little. It's like why do I still feel like I'm putting all that effort to get her attention, to do anything with her. Overtime, I just stopped cause I was getting burnt out and I am. She's been hanging out with a friend a lot more lately because I choose to distance since I saw it wasn't going anywhere. She would actually notice and ask why I was being distant, not wanting to say much. But when I do, start again, it's the same results. She even told me her friend reminds her of the old me, she misses that. But instead of doing anything about it, she just hangs out with her friend. It's like I just have to feel bad and just do it. It's obviously, subconsciously, she replaced me and not willing to be patient with me.

Now before anyone assumes she's cheating or anything like that. Naw man, we are both unconventional. I'm just talking about the friendship part of our marriage if you get me. It's like we take care of each other (I'm questioning that too now) and our child but she's not my friend, she ain't for me as much as i thought she was. I've done alot of good for her life compared to how things were, it was shit but at the cost of my mental health and everything I built up for myself after the military, practically gone. I've voiced myself so many times, calm and at times, even angry. But again, doesn't go nowhere. She would have no idea the pain I go thru when I'm alone, even when I've told her before. Her actions and just how she flows, she doesn't care. Even when I know she loves me. It's a cluster fuck and to be fair, I feel completely stuck. So I just spend most of time glued to my laptop and isolated. Occasionally get up to take care of my kid.

I hope this doesn't come off as complaining. I've been alone with these feelings. After the post I made yesterday, I really didn't expect the way you guys reviewed my post and were comforting to just see conversation happen.