Man talks about his negative experiences when being emotionally expressive in a relationship. As men do you think this is common?

tenchineuro · 2019-05-08T20:36:28+00:00

Man says that women might not be ready for emotionally expressive men.

As men do you think this is true?

As the other post says, it's not some intellectual theory that has yet to be tested, it's the experience men live since they are small boys.

Daddie0 · 2019-05-08T20:29:21+00:00

Do you think women tend to be uncomfortable with vulnerable men? They don't tend to be, they are uncomfortable with it, and always will be. They think it's what they want and can handle it, but they can't. They are not doing on purpose either. They want a rock to lean and hold on to, they doen't want to do this for men.

What Brown also discovered in the course of her research is that, contrary to her early assumptions, men's shame is not primarily inflicted by other men. Instead, it is the women in their lives who tend to be repelled when men show the chinks in their armor.

"Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart—and it's healthy," Brown said. "But guys are not allowed to fall apart." Ironically, she explained, men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticized for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, they are met with revulsion. She recalled the first time she realized that she had been complicit in the shaming: "Holy Shit!" she said. "I am the patriarchy!"

Brené Brown did a TED Talk on Shame, google it and then go to 15:30 in.

Here is also a quote from her in a Redbook article on the subject

"Men walk this tightrope where any sign of weakness illicits shame, and so they're afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of looking weak. But if you can't be vulnerable, then you can't truly grow and be your best self. Women can either embrace and help men walk across the tightrope, or we can be the ones who push them off."

Just like Brené Brown states in her video " For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."

And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

"So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work."

"Men are smart. They hear us asking for their vulnerability, but are also very aware that we may act scared or resentful when they show their vulnerable side. You wouldn't believe how often men tell me, "I pretend to be vulnerable, but I keep in under control," or "I give her enough to believe I'm being open because if I were totally truthful about how afraid or out of control I feel, she would judge me." Underneath the pretending lies hurt, disappointment, and shame."

Lion_amongst_gods · 2019-05-08T23:50:45+00:00

Damned if you are not expressive, damned if you are.

ABitterSatireHeWrote · 2019-05-09T03:23:04+00:00

"My wife walked in and caught me crying, She was concerned and immediately came over to hug me, but her entrance was like a finger in the dyke. All of a sudden everything stopped. No emotion at all was spilling out, like a door had slammed shut. We hugged, I said thank you and I thought that was all it would be. She was visibly upset that I had shut the door on 'an intimate moment'. She came at me with 'why don’t you love me, is this relationship going to continue without any emotion?' Why did I not trust her? It was incessant, the door was shut but I could feel the pressure trying to open the door from the inside, it was all I could do to not fall down in grief. I wanted to, I needed to but I simply couldn’t make it happen. She had moved from angry to challenging. A 'real man' can show his feelings. It’s a healthy part of any relationship, 'just let it out, let it out, let it out, let it out!'

"I couldn’t cry, but I couldn’t keep it contained any longer. I yelled at the top of my lungs 'ENOUGH!' It was long and loud and I looked directly at her while I said it. Her reaction was exactly what my Mom told me it would be, She was terrified, She had never heard me yell like that, certainly never directed at her. She bolted from the room like a startled animal. Logically she knew she was in no danger, I have never and will never hit anyone unless defending myself. It didn’t matter that she knew logically she was safe; there was a part of her brain way down deep that was simply terrified to see that side of me. Mom was right, no one wants to be around a big guy who yells or cries. Not even the woman who knows me better than any other person on the planet.

"She went and stayed with her sisters for a couple of days, she knew it was illogical and she was safe but she went anyway; she took our kids too. The message was clear, where she goes the kids will go. The message I hear now is ‘I can take your kids from you whenever I want.’ At my whim I can take it all. You will be left with nothing. I know it wasn’t the message she was trying to project but it is the message I heard. It’s the message I still hear. Now when I’m alone I don’t need to try to cry, a switch has been flipped, I need to try not to. I try not to even now. I’m terrified. She moved back in after a couple of days, we still have a strong relationship, I still want to be with her, The dynamic however has changed, now I know I can’t leave her if I wanted to. I will do whatever she says when it comes right down to it. She has my entire life in her hands. Everything I care about…hers to take. What do I do with this realization? How do I come to terms with it? Ignorance truly is bliss. I love her; I have no interest in leaving her. I fully meant the death do us part in our vows. Still do, but now, in the back of my head I know the truth. If for whatever reason she decides to leave, she stands to lose nothing but the guy she no longer wants to be with and I stand to lose everything that matters to me. She can take every reason I get up in the morning; whenever she wants for whatever reason she wants at the drop of a hat.

"I don’t think it’s likely. We still love each other. We still want to be together but I am not an equal partner in this, I am when all else fails, a subject to the will of my wife. I am pretty sure I would endure anything to not lose my daughters. I saw what every second weekend visitation did to my dad when we were young. He finally checked out of the picture for years rather than have to give us up after only one night together every 2 weeks.

"I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure how to deal with it, I can’t drive out to the woods and scream whenever I want to now, because to her it means our relationship must be falling apart and I can’t afford for her to start thinking that way, I have certainly learned I can’t scream in front of my wife, so now the switch has flipped, I sit alone in my garage and try not to cry, most of the time I fail, sometimes I don’t.

"I don’t know what to do, it shouldn’t consume my thoughts but it does sometimes, there’s no pushing it down or forgetting about it."

http://honeybadgerbrigade.com/2017/02/22/when-does-the-switch-flip/

ManMoth2 · 2019-05-09T12:27:20+00:00

A very effective way to make a woman lose all interest in you as a romantic partner, in my experience. Reproductive instinct is ruthless.

UUUU__UUUU · 2019-05-09T04:16:48+00:00

Yep. Opening up to my wife translated into more ammunition in her hands she could use against me when she thinks things aren't going her way. I did it once, never doing it again. Anyway, I am divorced now and there won't be another opportunity to exercice it again.

But IMO, all this opening thing is bullshit; at least for me. If you've got a problem it still is a problem even after having talked about it to ten people for one hundred hours. I don't see what purpose does it serve except advertising your vulnerability to others who could potentially abuse your situation. Nope. Don't recommend it. And I haven't had great experience with professional therapist too. All in all its a waste of time. Even that medium article is a wasted effort.

Title	Man talks about his negative experiences when being emotionally expressive in a relationship. As men do you think this is common?
Author	UsedToBeRadical
Upvotes	14
Comments	11
Date	May 8, 2019 8:17 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/bma7ox/man_talks_about_his_negative_experiences_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/man-talks-about-his-negative-experiences-when.878157 https://theredarchive.com/post/878157

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